I'm not going to turn 21 for another 5-6 months. But let me tell you, I am not looking forward to it. I bring this up is because on Halloween, I was working when a regular patron came in. He asked what I planned on doing that night, and when I replied, "Oh, just playing horror video games with friends," he asks, "What, no drinking?" Which then led to the 'none of us are 21' discussion.
Thankfully, this patron didn't ask why we didn't drink. Although he did ask me if it was because I was Mormon. I said no, I'm not Mormon. And he goes "oh okay" and accepts it. But then he says, "Next year we'll see what you can do."
And I spent the next 10 minutes of my guarding shift wondering why there's a pressure to drink socially. Maybe it's a Utah thing, and I'm going to write the rest of this operating under the assumption that it is an exclusively Utah thing. If it isn't, let me know. I'm always curious to know what others think.
My workplace tends to have parties at one worker's house because it's easy, his roommates are cool with it, etc. Before that it was at another. I never touched a drink because I was DD and decided it'd be best for me to get a sugar rush on soda instead. It never actually worked, to be honest. But when I decline going to work parties now, the number one question asked is "Why not?"
Why not? Why not? Other than the fact that I'm not a huge fan of parties (which I then get crap for, but that's another story), it's because I don't want to drink, and work parties aren't fun if you aren't drinking. Plus, I didn't want to drink and then be unable to figure out how to get home (since I have no DD myself because of the fact everyone I know loves to drink). When I say that I don't want to tailgate with alcohol and will actively work towards finding a tailgate situation with friends who understand I don't drink, I get weird looks. Like, "why aren't you drinking?"
I get this feeling it's a thing with Utah where drinking is one of the key ways to separate non-Mormons from Mormons, and loose Mormons from strict Mormons. The Church seems to have a slight stigma that I can't put down into words. It's like it's bad if you're a strict Mormon. You got shit-talked behind your back, and for non-Mormons, get asked if you're Mormon like you've just sprouted a tail. Like being a Mormon means that your relationship with this person is going to be forever and irreparably marred because of your religion.
I get this feeling that my so-called "friends" in SLC are going to disregard the fact that I'm not going to want to go to a bar when I turn 21. Or, if they heed it, they'll look at me like I'm strange and unnatural. But I don't see the whole big deal of drinking myself stupid when I turn 21. I may not even drink at all for my actual birthday. Probably celebrate it a month later with my family because that's important to us. I'm very glad I won't be in SLC when it's my birthday. I just want to spend a nice day with friends who actually acknowledge my wishes and are cool with it. I don't want my 21st birthday to be seen as a way to rebel against the mainstream where I live.
2014/10/27
The knitter/crocheter struggle
AKA the projects have gotten too big to be portable.
It's sad. My mom's shawl is officially too big to be carried around with me to school (I need that space for school stuff...) and I can't carry the scarf (too big as well) or the hat (too complicated/reliant on pattern). It's not necessarily a bad thing, though. That means I can work on writing stuff. Although the knitting was nice. I could still pay attention to class. With writing, not so much.
It's sad. My mom's shawl is officially too big to be carried around with me to school (I need that space for school stuff...) and I can't carry the scarf (too big as well) or the hat (too complicated/reliant on pattern). It's not necessarily a bad thing, though. That means I can work on writing stuff. Although the knitting was nice. I could still pay attention to class. With writing, not so much.
2014/10/20
Transition
By the end of the year/beginning of the next, I'll be back in the dorms. The sad thing is, I'm excited about that. I hate feeling like a burden, like I'm not wanted, and that's precisely what I feel like in my current situation. I'm trying to find small ways to reclaim my independence, but it's hard. At least in the dorms, I know I can have independence. My friends are close enough, and it'll be nice to hang out with them again.
The only thing is, I have to move so much stuff, and I don't want to. This means I'm going to have to downsize considerably. Which means my yarn stash either needs to go home to Vegas until I need it, or cram it all into two boxes (haha, that's not happening), or figure out how to stashbust. A lot. I can think of some ways, but there are no guarantees that I'll be able to do it fast enough. And then there's the matter of clothes. I'm in the weird phase where I want to dress up nicely all the time, but I know once it becomes mid-summer or mid-winter, I'll want to dress up comfortably. However, I know there are things I don't wear all that often, and that's the stuff I'm going to have to give away. I have a problem with donating clothes, though. Why? Because people spent money for me to get that stuff, or I spent money to get that stuff, and I didn't even wear it that often. It seems like a waste. That's something I have to get over. Like there's this one jacket I own that goes to about my knees, or slightly longer. I don't remember who got it for me. All I know is that I don't wear it anymore. Maybe because I can't figure out how to layer it in SLC weather, but I don't. That's a thing I need to get rid of, and I don't know if I can get over the little voice saying "don't give it away, that's a waste." Same goes for anything that was a present to me. I can't bring myself to give it away but I need to because it takes up space. I also have to either put books in storage or do something with them because I don't want to give them away. I love my books too much but I can't carry them with me everywhere.
But I want to go back to the dorms. I'm tired of feeling unwanted, of feeling like I'm in the way, of feeling like I am nothing but a huge nuisance to everyone around me. At least in the dorms I can isolate myself of my own volition. That's a huge difference.
I had an idea in the midst of a panic attack the other day that I later chalked down to being ridiculous, I was just overreacting, but it sounded so good at the time. And that was to quit my job and live with a friend in her house. But I can't do that, because I'll be even further away from the friends who actually care about me. Or the majority of them. The friend whose house I'd be living in is one of those friends. So instead I settled for "I'm going to visit her house every weekend until I move back into the dorms" and then I'll figure out my schedule then. Because I'm going to be honest, it's much better to be surrounded by people you don't see that often but who still love you vs people you see that often and don't (especially if those people call you their best friend!).
Because no best friend or even a regular friend should make me feel like shit. Because no friend should ever not communicate and then get upset when I get upset over not being told. No friend should ever, never tell other people your secrets, and while this hasn't happened to me yet, my "friends" can be notorious gossips. I told you and you alone. There's no need to go tell other people.
I need to shed the toxic friendships out of my life, and I'm doing that during the New Years. I'm done with you people.
The only thing is, I have to move so much stuff, and I don't want to. This means I'm going to have to downsize considerably. Which means my yarn stash either needs to go home to Vegas until I need it, or cram it all into two boxes (haha, that's not happening), or figure out how to stashbust. A lot. I can think of some ways, but there are no guarantees that I'll be able to do it fast enough. And then there's the matter of clothes. I'm in the weird phase where I want to dress up nicely all the time, but I know once it becomes mid-summer or mid-winter, I'll want to dress up comfortably. However, I know there are things I don't wear all that often, and that's the stuff I'm going to have to give away. I have a problem with donating clothes, though. Why? Because people spent money for me to get that stuff, or I spent money to get that stuff, and I didn't even wear it that often. It seems like a waste. That's something I have to get over. Like there's this one jacket I own that goes to about my knees, or slightly longer. I don't remember who got it for me. All I know is that I don't wear it anymore. Maybe because I can't figure out how to layer it in SLC weather, but I don't. That's a thing I need to get rid of, and I don't know if I can get over the little voice saying "don't give it away, that's a waste." Same goes for anything that was a present to me. I can't bring myself to give it away but I need to because it takes up space. I also have to either put books in storage or do something with them because I don't want to give them away. I love my books too much but I can't carry them with me everywhere.
But I want to go back to the dorms. I'm tired of feeling unwanted, of feeling like I'm in the way, of feeling like I am nothing but a huge nuisance to everyone around me. At least in the dorms I can isolate myself of my own volition. That's a huge difference.
I had an idea in the midst of a panic attack the other day that I later chalked down to being ridiculous, I was just overreacting, but it sounded so good at the time. And that was to quit my job and live with a friend in her house. But I can't do that, because I'll be even further away from the friends who actually care about me. Or the majority of them. The friend whose house I'd be living in is one of those friends. So instead I settled for "I'm going to visit her house every weekend until I move back into the dorms" and then I'll figure out my schedule then. Because I'm going to be honest, it's much better to be surrounded by people you don't see that often but who still love you vs people you see that often and don't (especially if those people call you their best friend!).
Because no best friend or even a regular friend should make me feel like shit. Because no friend should ever not communicate and then get upset when I get upset over not being told. No friend should ever, never tell other people your secrets, and while this hasn't happened to me yet, my "friends" can be notorious gossips. I told you and you alone. There's no need to go tell other people.
I need to shed the toxic friendships out of my life, and I'm doing that during the New Years. I'm done with you people.
2014/10/05
That number on a scale
This has been a thing that's bothered me for a while. It's partially spurred by someone I know. This person is obsessed with making that number on the scale go down. She goes running, because "it's a good way to lose weight!" Yet when she complains about not being able to go running (which is a lot, and usually the reason is the weather "Oh, I don't want to go running when it's hot"), and I suggest that she do some weight lifting, she gives me a look of disgust and goes, "I want to lose weight, not gain it." Like I told her to become fat. That's not the case.
What is the stigma against girls having muscle? When did society become so obsessed with a scale? It makes me frustrated that people look at me funny when I go do weights. It frustrates me that girls are in a race to see who can lose the most weight and be skinny and good-looking. There's a stigma against being big- fat, muscular, anything that's not in the magazines- that girls will criticize other girls who aren't trying to actively become or remain small.
What is the stigma against girls having muscle? When did society become so obsessed with a scale? It makes me frustrated that people look at me funny when I go do weights. It frustrates me that girls are in a race to see who can lose the most weight and be skinny and good-looking. There's a stigma against being big- fat, muscular, anything that's not in the magazines- that girls will criticize other girls who aren't trying to actively become or remain small.
2014/09/20
A few totally awesome WIPs
(And one FO that I never got a good picture of outside of my brother's graduation)
This is the Elder Tree Shawl that I'm making for my mom as a Christmas present. This will be the easier of the two, I think, but longer because of the lace. I'm in love with the design.
This awesome Hyrule Warriors Scarf is for Nate, as a birthday/Christmas present. Haven't decided which one yet. He's a huge Legend of Zelda fan and he's super excited for the game's release. I'm less excited but still excited because Legend of Zelda! It's become a favorite thing of mine recently (OoT is still escaping my ability to play. though...)
This is the White Russian Skirt. I had some leftover green cotton yarn from a dress I made my mom and decided to try and make this. Unfortunately, the leftover was not enough to make a decent length skirt. Underneath this I'm wearing dance shorts, and obviously you can see the shorts still. I'm trying not to buy any more yarn until I use up what I already have- and that's a lot.
I wanted something to wear to my brother's high school graduation. I needed something that'd go with a red dress, and when I asked for opinions, I got navy blue as an answer most frequently. So, using red heart yarn, I made this. The yarn was super scratchy but it somehow softened up after a few months in my closest. Unfortunately, it wasn't soon enough. It was still a bit scratchy after trying to fix it a few times before the graduation.
2014/09/10
Feelings- might get personal
I've been yo-yo-ing between being really busy with classes and being bored with classes. I guess that's the benefit of taking online classes- you can catch up with all the work and then having nothing to do until the next module opens, and then when you catch up on all your physical class work as a result, it leaves you with nothing. For me, that's a double-edged sword. I actually am one of the rare people who like to be kept busy- whether it's with cooking, or homework, or something, I like having something to do. If it's people related it needs to be done less frequently, but it's still doing something. Boredom makes me think several things, including
- I'm missing something in my homework/life
- I finished all my homework fast which means it was either too easy or I screwed up somewhere
- It makes me extremely restless which makes me more susceptible to darker thoughts
- Darker thoughts.
Among other things. It's number 3 and 4 that get me. Because I've had low self-esteem issues for my whole life, I've taken to heart slightly toxic things as a child, and started having more mental problems in college. Although I've been working to get over it, and I've had some friends who've supported me, I still fall prey to thoughts of worthlessness and loneliness and sadness.
And today, there was an event that made me feel absolutely unwanted. A burden. The feeling is unjustified, I'm sure, but when I've had these problems for so long, it's almost too easy to fall into the same rut again. I realized that some people may actually view me as a burden, holding back their lives, despite previous promises from their mouths that they'd help me in certain aspects. That I'm unwanted because of this. That I have no friends (this is absolutely false but in this certain environment it feels like it) who'd be there for me if I needed it. That no one needs me. And as someone who feels like all she's good for as a friend is to be there and listen and be needed, the feeling of not being needed sucks.
So I'm sitting here rambling trying to sort my feelings out and hoping that writing keeps the demons away for a bit longer.
2014/09/08
Comic Con
"But Jess!" you say, looking at the title, "Comic Con was a few months ago!"
I know it was! I went to the one in Salt Lake, not San Diego. Cheaper and closer. Win-win situation. Except maybe not in SDCC's eyes.
But here's what happened on the three days I got to experience a Comic Con. Basically, it reminded me of an anime convention, but instead of just anime, there were more cosplays and booths and such related to comics, books, games, and so on. Basically the little girl in me was like "OH MY GOD LOOK AT ALL THESE BOOKS" and the adult girl in me was like "OH MY GOD LOOK AT ALL THESE BOOKS AND GAMES."
But that was when we got in.
Getting in was a problem on Thursday. There seemed to be a lot of miscommunication going on. Volunteers didn't seem to know what line was what, and everyone in line was either angry, confused, or both. Angry confused people are not fun. Basically what it boiled down to was the line I wanted in for approximately 3-4 hours was for gold/vip members, and any general admission people who had waited in that line had to leave and go to ANOTHER line and wait LONGER. Luckily I wanted in the right line. But then, once Nate and I got in, we waited ANOTHER 1-2 hours because we chose the line where every once in a while, one of the two people helping had to turn and help the handicapped. The line moved infinitely slow because of that, while the line directly to my left moved fast. It didn't help there were two "VIP registrations" and two general "VIP" signs. I don't think there was a difference, in hindsight. On Thursday, I missed EVERYONE I wanted to see because of that line. I couldn't see Cary Elwes, Johnny Yong Bosch, or Jason David Frank. I got a three day pass and in actuality only really spend 2 and a half days because of having to wait in line. I got lucky, though. Some people didn't even get tickets.
Friday, though, was fun! I got a new shirt with Charmander Shepard. My second favorite Pokemon combined with my favorite game character. I also bought 6 patches to put on hats and scarves. I'm so excited for those!
I know it was! I went to the one in Salt Lake, not San Diego. Cheaper and closer. Win-win situation. Except maybe not in SDCC's eyes.
But here's what happened on the three days I got to experience a Comic Con. Basically, it reminded me of an anime convention, but instead of just anime, there were more cosplays and booths and such related to comics, books, games, and so on. Basically the little girl in me was like "OH MY GOD LOOK AT ALL THESE BOOKS" and the adult girl in me was like "OH MY GOD LOOK AT ALL THESE BOOKS AND GAMES."
But that was when we got in.
Getting in was a problem on Thursday. There seemed to be a lot of miscommunication going on. Volunteers didn't seem to know what line was what, and everyone in line was either angry, confused, or both. Angry confused people are not fun. Basically what it boiled down to was the line I wanted in for approximately 3-4 hours was for gold/vip members, and any general admission people who had waited in that line had to leave and go to ANOTHER line and wait LONGER. Luckily I wanted in the right line. But then, once Nate and I got in, we waited ANOTHER 1-2 hours because we chose the line where every once in a while, one of the two people helping had to turn and help the handicapped. The line moved infinitely slow because of that, while the line directly to my left moved fast. It didn't help there were two "VIP registrations" and two general "VIP" signs. I don't think there was a difference, in hindsight. On Thursday, I missed EVERYONE I wanted to see because of that line. I couldn't see Cary Elwes, Johnny Yong Bosch, or Jason David Frank. I got a three day pass and in actuality only really spend 2 and a half days because of having to wait in line. I got lucky, though. Some people didn't even get tickets.
Friday, though, was fun! I got a new shirt with Charmander Shepard. My second favorite Pokemon combined with my favorite game character. I also bought 6 patches to put on hats and scarves. I'm so excited for those!
Zelda, Portal, Mass Effect, Firefly, and Pacific Rim
I saw Vic Mignogna (whose name I surprisingly spelled right the first time), and he was just a joy to watch. He's probably my favorite American male voice actor, and I love his upbeat attitude. I really needed to hear some of the things he said. I saw him already at an anime convention in Vegas, but this just made me happier because he was in a different setting and got different (and in my opinion, cooler) questions. I also got to chill with my friends David and Christian for a bit. I dressed up as Syfy channel's Hatter, but a female version, not the Andrew Lee Potts version.
Then Saturday everything started off kind of awfully. Nate got food poisoning from the dinner he made the day before- oh no! I had to go to a work meeting, so I basically fretted beforehand and told him if absolutely ANYTHING changed he needed to let me know. I can't do sick people. But he got better after my meeting. Don't let anyone tell you naps are useless. He took a 15 minute nap and felt infinitely better afterwards. So we went a little later than we could've, but that's fine. He was okay! We walked around the floor for a bit after checking out the line to see John Barrowman. Then we went back into line and oh my god was that line long. When Nate and I were at the front, waiting to get in, we talked quickly and decided that since two chairs next to each other weren't likely not going to happen, the next time a single seat open up, I'd go, then he'd go. we'd be separated, but we'd see John Barrowman.
I love the man, let me tell you. He is funny and witty and handsome and intelligent and all sorts of things. I'm so glad I got to see him in person at least once. I am likely not going to forget the story of the girl who tried to start a Gay-Straight Alliance at her school and asked John Barrowman for help, and he told her make it peaceful. And even though the girl had graduated, she said that a GSA had been made, thanks to some help from John Barrowman. He also responded with wit to a girl saying that Stephen Amell (the panelist before him and the main star of the show Arrow) said his knees still hurt. John Barrowman goes "well maybe he shouldn't have been on them that long," which sent the entire hall into laughter. The true story, he then explained, was that in a scene in season 1, when the Dark Archer is beating the crap out of Oliver Queen (Stephen Amell), he's supposed to kick him through a wall and then kick the crap out of him. JB is wearing steel-capped boots.
You know where this is going.
You know where this is going.
While wearing those boots, he kicks SA through the wall and starts kicking him. He kicks so hard at SA's knees that he actually hurt him. And JB felt so bad afterwards.
But Saturday, for the awful start it had (for Nate), turned out to be fun. I really enjoyed it, and I enjoyed hanging out with Nate and David and just wandering the halls and attending panels. I do admit, watching the pilot episode of Z Nation (Syfy's newest series) made me realize exactly how big of a nerd I am for planning out my zombie apocalypse plan. The zombie apocalypse isn't going to happen for several reasons (to see most of them summed up, go watch Neil deGrasse Tyson "The Killjoy of Science"). I criticized Z Nation not for the stereotypes it plays into, but for the unrealistic zombies. Unrealistic zombies. Zombies aren't even real, Jess. They may not be, but they can follow certain rules and Z Nation did NONE OF THEM.
And unfortunately I'm back into school. Oh no. Busy school.
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