Busy Monday Nights

When I get home from my friend's house and food shopping, I'm going to be busy preparing for my Tuesday. I can't wait for my Tuesdays to calm down, which they will... after tomorrow. But tomorrow I've got to prepare breakfast for when I wake up really early in the morning, and then prepare 2 snacks and lunch because I've got classes and then a doctor's appointment all the way up until about 2 or so, and I won't have any time to relax. After tomorrow, I don't have to prepare the lunches anymore. But still. Busy! And that's not counting any homework I get assigned tomorrow and working out for an hour.

Sometimes I wish I weren't so busy, but then I'd be bored. I'd probably be less stressed though.

Speaking of stress, I have to work on my thesis when I get home, too...

Exercise

So I've been going to the gym every day this week (except for Monday- my break days) and so far it's been a bit stressful simply because of the fact that I've been busy almost every day this week so I don't have time to do homework. I should definitely be prioritizing homework, but I'm waiting on another textbook to get here so I can start on a group project due in about 3 weeks and all that. I'm glad for my no-class Fridays and doing absolutely nothing most Saturdays and Sunday days. I'm waiting eagerly for the first two weeks of school to be over because then I don't have to work all day on Sunday the 24th or Wednesdays anymore! So I can go work out any time during the day on Wednesdays and do homework Wednesday afternoons too! I'm very excited for living back on campus though. I can do a lot of stuff now. Which is great.

New Year, New Job, New Start

Hello, everyone! Sorry about not writing. I got slammed with school, depression and doctors appointments, job, and moving out of my apartment to move back onto my college campus.

It's 2015 and I'm determined to make it a new beginning for me. I've been around some toxic people (which kind of triggered this recent down for depression). I'm determined to stop interacting with the toxic people unless absolutely necessary and to hang out more with the people I consider my friends. Luckily, two live on campus, one lives off-campus but I'm planning on going to use her house more often, and two more live closer to campus but not on campus. Those are the five I feel close to. There are some people who aren't as close but I feel better around them than with the toxic people.

Now why did I say "unless absolutely necessary" instead of keeping it at nothing? The reason is that a majority of these toxic people are at my job. I love this job a lot. Or used to, anyway. Recently, I've been feeling left out of work functions. Everyone gets along but me. And that may be because one of the toxic people in my life is the assistant manager at my job. Everyone is friends with this person. And let me tell you the majority of the people at my job love to gossip. I feel like the assistant manager and these people have been talking about me behind my back. Today, at job training, I found out that at some point everyone planned to go to the pizza place near school. I heard them talking about it, but no one asked me to go or if I had heard about it, and I asked no one because I learned a long time ago not to ask people about invitations because unless I am explicitly invited, I assume my presence is unwanted. I keep trying to reason it out as "no, I was at training for my other new job and they probably planned it while I was at that training. They probably just assumed that I knew I was invited and I assumed I wasn't invited and that's why I didn't go." But at the same time, this tiny voice keeps saying, "No one likes you, that's why they didn't invite you. If they wanted you there, someone would've asked you before everyone left if you were going or texted you and asked you why you weren't there with them." And I want to disprove that voice so badly but I am not on the best terms with these toxic people. The thought popped into my head in the past day or two to maybe quit this job if it doesn't get better. If I continue to feel left out and alone, I need to either take a long break from this job or quit completely. And I don't want to quit, but it may be best for me.

I've got a new job at the same facility as my first job, and this time it's as a facility manager for the building. I'm very excited for it. I get to be very hands-on and get leadership experience and experience managing a large exercise facility. I'm very excited for this facility, not only as an employee, but as a guest. It is brand-new and beautiful. I used it today (employees got to use it first!) and I'm in love with it. I'm excited to do my new exercise thing of weights and swimming and biking and maybe a Latin dance or ballroom class. If I can gain more muscle, I would be grateful. I'm not going to push for it, but if it happens along the way, I'll be happy. But I'm so excited for this new job of mine. The only problem I'll have is not being able to eat during my shifts. My metabolism is kind of fast and I eat smaller meals, so I need to eat relatively frequently. We'll see what happens.

I'm going to create a paper with my resolutions (only two right now) and the reward I'll get for doing those resolutions. They are small and manageable. The first is to write a page a day of a story I'm working on and would like to publish eventually. The second is to stick to my workout schedule. I'm willing to be flexible for that because life happens. I may get sick, my depression may hit again, etc. I just need to roll with it and work with it.

Second-hand excitement

There are quite a few games being released on November, and I've got second-hand excitement for at least three- Dragon Age Inquisition, Pokemon Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire, and Smash Bros for the Wii U. Now, I can't get Smash Bros due to a lack of the Wii U. But I'm still excited because that means I can go to my friend's house and play it. Although that excitement tends to be dampened by the fact I actually get beat very badly against anyone other than AIs.

But the Pokemon games, I became excited for once I realized I could switch the language for the game. I have a thing about playing Pokemon in Japanese. Now I want it so I can play it. It's also for nostalgia's sake- I loved Pokemon Ruby. Guess which one I'm getting?

And finally, Dragon Age. That one is slightly more my excitement than my friends' excitement rubbing off on me, but I'm not getting it for a while because I still need to beat Dragon Age: Origins and start and beat Dragon Age 2. I like to play games in order. However, it should be really fun! It looks amazing.

The knitter/crocheter struggle

AKA the projects have gotten too big to be portable.

It's sad. My mom's shawl is officially too big to be carried around with me to school (I need that space for school stuff...) and I can't carry the scarf (too big as well) or the hat (too complicated/reliant on pattern). It's not necessarily a bad thing, though. That means I can work on writing stuff. Although the knitting was nice. I could still pay attention to class. With writing, not so much.

Transition

By the end of the year/beginning of the next, I'll be back in the dorms. The sad thing is, I'm excited about that. I hate feeling like a burden, like I'm not wanted, and that's precisely what I feel like in my current situation. I'm trying to find small ways to reclaim my independence, but it's hard. At least in the dorms, I know I can have independence. My friends are close enough, and it'll be nice to hang out with them again.

The only thing is, I have to move so much stuff, and I don't want to. This means I'm going to have to downsize considerably. Which means my yarn stash either needs to go home to Vegas until I need it, or cram it all into two boxes (haha, that's not happening), or figure out how to stashbust. A lot. I can think of some ways, but there are no guarantees that I'll be able to do it fast enough. And then there's the matter of clothes. I'm in the weird phase where I want to dress up nicely all the time, but I know once it becomes mid-summer or mid-winter, I'll want to dress up comfortably. However, I know there are things I don't wear all that often, and that's the stuff I'm going to have to give away. I have a problem with donating clothes, though. Why? Because people spent money for me to get that stuff, or I spent money to get that stuff, and I didn't even wear it that often. It seems like a waste. That's something I have to get over. Like there's this one jacket I own that goes to about my knees, or slightly longer. I don't remember who got it for me. All I know is that I don't wear it anymore. Maybe because I can't figure out how to layer it in SLC weather, but I don't. That's a thing I need to get rid of, and I don't know if I can get over the little voice saying "don't give it away, that's a waste." Same goes for anything that was a present to me. I can't bring myself to give it away but I need to because it takes up space. I also have to either put books in storage or do something with them because I don't want to give them away. I love my books too much but I can't carry them with me everywhere.

But I want to go back to the dorms. I'm tired of feeling unwanted, of feeling like I'm in the way, of feeling like I am nothing but a huge nuisance to everyone around me. At least in the dorms I can isolate myself of my own volition. That's a huge difference.

I had an idea in the midst of a panic attack the other day that I later chalked down to being ridiculous, I was just overreacting, but it sounded so good at the time. And that was to quit my job and live with a friend in her house. But I can't do that, because I'll be even further away from the friends who actually care about me. Or the majority of them. The friend whose house I'd be living in is one of those friends. So instead I settled for "I'm going to visit her house every weekend until I move back into the dorms" and then I'll figure out my schedule then. Because I'm going to be honest, it's much better to be surrounded by people you don't see that often but who still love you vs people you see that often and don't (especially if those people call you their best friend!).

Because no best friend or even a regular friend should make me feel like shit. Because no friend should ever not communicate and then get upset when I get upset over not being told. No friend should ever, never tell other people your secrets, and while this hasn't happened to me yet, my "friends" can be notorious gossips. I told you and you alone. There's no need to go tell other people.

I need to shed the toxic friendships out of my life, and I'm doing that during the New Years. I'm done with you people.

Feelings- might get personal

I've been yo-yo-ing between being really busy with classes and being bored with classes. I guess that's the benefit of taking online classes- you can catch up with all the work and then having nothing to do until the next module opens, and then when you catch up on all your physical class work as a result, it leaves you with nothing. For me, that's a double-edged sword. I actually am one of the rare people who like to be kept busy- whether it's with cooking, or homework, or something, I like having something to do. If it's people related it needs to be done less frequently, but it's still doing something. Boredom makes me think several things, including

1. I'm missing something in my homework/life
2. I finished all my homework fast which means it was either too easy or I screwed up somewhere
3. It makes me extremely restless which makes me more susceptible to darker thoughts
4. Darker thoughts.

Among other things. It's number 3 and 4 that get me. Because I've had low self-esteem issues for my whole life, I've taken to heart slightly toxic things as a child, and started having more mental problems in college. Although I've been working to get over it, and I've had some friends who've supported me, I still fall prey to thoughts of worthlessness and loneliness and sadness. 

And today, there was an event that made me feel absolutely unwanted. A burden. The feeling is unjustified, I'm sure, but when I've had these problems for so long, it's almost too easy to fall into the same rut again. I realized that some people may actually view me as a burden, holding back their lives, despite previous promises from their mouths that they'd help me in certain aspects. That I'm unwanted because of this. That I have no friends (this is absolutely false but in this certain environment it feels like it) who'd be there for me if I needed it. That no one needs me. And as someone who feels like all she's good for as a friend is to be there and listen and be needed, the feeling of not being needed sucks. 

So I'm sitting here rambling trying to sort my feelings out and hoping that writing keeps the demons away for a bit longer. 

Almost time to return to Utah

I don't know if I'm excited to go back and start school and see my friends again or if I'm really nervous about school. I'm taking 6 classes + 1 non-credit krav maga class, but 2 of those classes are online, so maybe it won't be that bad? Then there's my club(s?) and potential research. And I don't think work will be that bad... yet. I mean, I can still do my homework and stuff at the pool, and I refuse to work nights, so we should be good on that front, too. I should probably get my bike's flat tire. That way, if my roommate ends up having to return later than me, I can take my bike back. It's faster than the train. That'll only work when there's no snow, though. I'll figure that out when it comes to it. Not sure about the mornings. Maybe the train will be the best bet for that.

I'm figuring out a planner that'll work best for me, so I don't have to deal with store-bought planners that don't have everything I need. I tend to be a bit compulsive when it comes to organizing my life, especially when it gets crazy busy. The notes section in that planner will become quite handy once I decide to start thinking about ideas for the store I want to start. Don't know how well that'll go...

Trips Galore!

Sorry! Life has been kind of hectic. For two weeks I was in Japan, and then I've been at home being social. Okay, not really. It actually kind of slipped my mind to update this blog once I got home because I've been working on my dad's blanket like there's no tomorrow. Because I want this done. And it is almost done! I'm really happy about it. It's been a lot of sweat and tears, to be honest. Then I just need to pretty it up some and it'll be good to go. Not that it'll do him much good in Hawaii where he's being transferred for his job. Just a bit too late... Oops.

But yeah! I went to Japan for two weeks and had a ton of fun! Lots of stories and pictures I need to share, as well as the WIP I started while waiting for my plane. I discovered I actually get nervous during landing/takeoff. Why? Don't know. But it turns out knitting/crocheting helps me calm down and takes my mind off of it, so I worked on that a lot. Stay tuned for the batch of photos of my Japan trip! It's going to be a multi-parter.

I'm also going to Disney Land and California Adventure this weekend! It's my roommate's birthday present for me. Admittedly, she has some ulterior motive (she's never been to Disney Land, only Magic Kingdom), so it works out for all of us. There's likely to be pictures of that, too.

Self-Confidence

I'm going to write this now while I'm in a semi-decent mood. My mood's kind of low today, and it may be because lack of sun or I'm just not excited to be back where all my stressors are.

Since at least high school, I've had confidence issues. I've internalized some things I probably shouldn't have let get to me and it's affecting me even now. Some things are:

• My grades are who I am 
• Intelligence is all I have
• My opinions are worthless
• I need validation in order to be someone
• I need to do something significant and spectacular with my life

The top two come from things I heard from my family and school. The third is from my interactions with friends and at school. The fourth is kind of derived from school, and the fifth definitely is. Basically, school's kind of toxic for me. I became a high achiever and expected a lot of myself, and became severely disappointed when I couldn't go through with it or couldn't do it as well as the next student. This  was killer in math and science, two subjects I was awful at. I somehow got through science with A's and B's. Math... I got C's. This caused me to hate myself more in high school because I thought I wasn't smart enough. 

I've been seeing some facebook posts linking to pages about how to know you've lived a good life or something like that. And I've been reading them. And in a good mood, I know I am lucky. I am living a good life. Yet sometimes the little tiny things get me down. Like all of the above. Like how I'm not pretty enough and so I can't empathize with my friends who have stories of men hitting on them or getting something for free. Like how I'm not skinny enough so I go through intense periods of calorie restriction and near fasting and then binge eat because I start getting headaches and my dizziness (already really bad) becomes worse. Like how I'm not happy enough because I may have Seasonal Affective Disorder, which makes living in Utah really, really hard. 

In attempts to make myself feel better, I try to find all the inspirational things I can and collect it. Put it in plain view for myself to see. Sometimes it works. Other times, it makes me feel worse. I'm going to go through each thing point by point and let you know how I try to deal with it.

1. My grades are who I am

Okay, this is kind of hard to get over. But I remind myself that past college, no one's going to give a shit I've got a 3.96. They're going to care about who I am and what I did. It's the "what I did" that's causing me more anxiety. And I've been telling myself, "I'm genuine. I'm real. People will see that," as a way to make up for the fact I may not have a lot for "what I did." In college, I don't have time for the "what I did" category to expand- at least, officially. Partially because I know I get stressed easily. I likely won't have time or money to do internships. I won't have time or money to do study abroads. I mean, hey, if an internship happens, I'm going to jump on it. Likely only if it's paid. But I've got things that I may not be able to put into a resume that I can talk about. Like my independent travels to Japan. My ability to teach myself things. That's something I'm proud of. I can teach myself things. 

2. Intelligence is all I have

I am not just my smarts. I am kind but firm, compassionate but blunt. Insightful into the way the world works. Resourceful and able to pick up on things quickly. I just have to remember all of this when I'm down. There's more to me than just intelligence. "Intelligence" in my current use of the word is how well I can do in school. Basically, "school smarts." It's good to be intelligent, but not "school smarts intelligence." 

3. My opinions are worthless

I've been shut down by so many people and ignored so many times that I've learned to be quiet. I never learned to fight for my opinion. Never learned how to debate properly. I don't even like picking from two options because it's giving my opinion on something. But there are people who care about and listen to what I think. I know for a fact I have one person who will listen to me and if he doesn't agree he will let me know in a way that doesn't frighten me. No "you are wrong." No raised voice. No "you are stupid." I just have to start getting my opinion out there while being backed by this person and become more confident. This will take time. But I'm going to do it.

4. I need validation in order to be someone/I need to do something spectacular with my life

Confession time: I went to go see The Fault in Our Stars in the movie theater and laughed at the movie and the people watching it. Laughed because it didn't seem realistic. Laughed because the characters didn't make sense to me. Laughed because the people watching it were making funny noises that I'm sure were the precursory noises to crying and why were they crying? But there's one line that Hazel said that almost made me cry. Not because it was some sappy confession. Because I was Augustus Waters in that moment and I needed to hear what Hazel said. She said (paraphrasing), "Why are you so set on being remembered by everybody? Isn't it enough to be remembered by someone who loves you so completely that they won't forget you? Who cares if you aren't remembered later on down the line? Isn't being loved by a few people so completely instead of by a lot of people partially more important?"

My school's honors college has a thing about telling us we need to do something important. if it's not outrightly telling us we need to do internships and take all these honors courses and do research blah blah blah, it's being implied. And I get stressed out because I DON'T see myself doing these things that easily. A lot of the opportunities are aimed- practically being shoved at- those who are engineering majors, computer science majors, or science majors. Basically, something hard science-y. Something that everyone says "will get you jobs out of college!" Whereas I haven't really heard of opportunities for people like me, who are fine arts majors or humanities majors, etc. I'm a Japanese/Linguistics double major. There are opportunities for research in Linguistics. I'm very interested in how to teach people language and how people acquire language, though, and the last time I checked, there wasn't much research being done at my university.

I don't need to be recognized for all that I do by the people I help. That's nice acknowledgement, yeah, but isn't it better to feel better for myself? I'm not saying I'm going to forgo acknowledgement completely. I need some "hey you do well!" thing that isn't sent out to a huge group of people. I like things personal and tailored to a small group of individuals. But I should stop hanging on it like a lifeline. I do not need validation by random people to be someone. What my family and friends acknowledge is enough. I had a talk with another friend (not the same from above), and he told me to be confident in what I do. Other people can see what I do and they won't necessarily vocalize it all the time. He said that he believes in me. Keep in mind, we aren't particularly chatty friends. I don't keep up with him all the time. I probably haven't talked to him much since middle school. But he sees that I operate differently- which isn't bad- and he believes in my ability, even if it is in a way vastly different than the way the world seems to operate.

5. Not pretty enough/calorie restriction

I've been convinced since high school that I'm not pretty. I don't have a face people like to look at. This is shallow. I have my own inner beauty and the people who go solely off of looks are not people who are worth my time. I've only recently gotten rid of the complex that I wasn't pretty because "I never used makeup." I really didn't. Only for really special occasions did I use make-up, and that was somewhat grudgingly. I can still sympathize with my friends who get hit on. But I haven't been in their position- yet. And I hope I don't. Before, I hoped it was because I was too ugly to be there. But I only recently change it to "I hope it's because of the way I carry myself. With a sure step and a gaze held level instead of at the ground, with thrown back shoulders and a way of exuding confidence." 

The "not pretty" complex also led to me hating how my body looked. This only started last year, where I began to skip meals and eat less food as well as exercise more in an effort to lose weight so I could be skinny and pretty. then I'd binge on food, feel awful and gross, and go back to restricting calories.  But I learned that by restricting calories, your body kicks into starvation mode- metabolism slows down and it's HARDER for you to lose weight. I still have problems with it. I think a large problem with it was I didn't know how much I was eating. I got MyFitnessPal for the iPhone and now I can see how much I've been eating. I'm not using it for calorie restriction- now that I know how much I need to eat and how much I've eaten and how much I need to go. If I use it in a healthy way, I should be fine. And I shouldn't be disappointed when the number on the scale doesn't change that much. I do swim and run. I'm going to have muscle. So if I lose weight and then gain it back it's probably because of losing fat and gaining muscle. 

So that's my long thing evaluating my self-confidence and how I hope to change things in the future.

My brother's graduating tomorrow

From HIGH SCHOOL.

And then he'll be coming up to college about an hour and a half away from where I am. I get to visit him on occasion. I'm going to be really busy with 18 credit hours, potentially two clubs, potential research, and a job. Two of those classes are online, though, so we'll see how it'll go. If all else fails, I am dropping one of the classes before it impacts my grades. 

Right now I'm making the From Afar scarf by Caitlin ffrench. I like her triangle scarves/shawl designs a lot, and I need something to wear to Ricky's graduation that isn't a  faintly pink cardigan because I accidentally washed a bright red dress with a white cardigan. Oops. After that, I'll be working on the White Russian skirt. I found an extra ball of cotton yarn in the color I was using- totally didn't know I had it! So I get to continue that project. 

In addition to all of that, it's father's day this weekend and I get to chill with my dad! It'll be fun. I'm contemplating getting him a Kindle Fire. He mentioned how he'd take my Kindle if I wanted a new one, but I'm perfectly content with my old 2nd gen Kindle (it's old. Pre-internet browsing for kindles). It'd give him something else to do beside watch TV, he said. So I'm thinking it'd be a good idea for him. I just got to get my brothers and my mom in on it. Otherwise, I'll pay for the whole thing myself. He deserves it.

Two Weeks!

I'm going to be in Japan in two weeks, for two weeks! Lots of two weeks stuff. I'm really excited for it. I'm staying in Tokyo, Takaoka (near Toyama), and Kanazawa. In Tokyo I'll be hanging out with my friends a lot, in Takaoka I'll be conversing with my grandmother (who understands no English so it's a speaking challenge!) and helping out at a middle school, and meeting with friends in Kanazawa and exploring that city more. I'm bringing my good camera so I'm hoping for some quality pictures to share!

In the mean time, I'm working (a lot...), crafting, and looking through various handpainted yarns to make myself feel better. Next week (the week before I go to Japan), I'm working just over 37 hours. I have no break. Seriously, my break is this weekend when I go home. I was supposed to have Saturday off (I leave Sunday), but lo and behold I end up taking someone else's shift because "I need the money." All of Saturday that isn't me working will be me preparing to go to Japan. Alone. Likely exhausted and needing some R&R and not getting it until Japan (kind of) and when I go back home to Vegas after Japan (a whole month without doing anything? HEAVEN).