New Year, New Job, New Start

Hello, everyone! Sorry about not writing. I got slammed with school, depression and doctors appointments, job, and moving out of my apartment to move back onto my college campus.

It's 2015 and I'm determined to make it a new beginning for me. I've been around some toxic people (which kind of triggered this recent down for depression). I'm determined to stop interacting with the toxic people unless absolutely necessary and to hang out more with the people I consider my friends. Luckily, two live on campus, one lives off-campus but I'm planning on going to use her house more often, and two more live closer to campus but not on campus. Those are the five I feel close to. There are some people who aren't as close but I feel better around them than with the toxic people.

Now why did I say "unless absolutely necessary" instead of keeping it at nothing? The reason is that a majority of these toxic people are at my job. I love this job a lot. Or used to, anyway. Recently, I've been feeling left out of work functions. Everyone gets along but me. And that may be because one of the toxic people in my life is the assistant manager at my job. Everyone is friends with this person. And let me tell you the majority of the people at my job love to gossip. I feel like the assistant manager and these people have been talking about me behind my back. Today, at job training, I found out that at some point everyone planned to go to the pizza place near school. I heard them talking about it, but no one asked me to go or if I had heard about it, and I asked no one because I learned a long time ago not to ask people about invitations because unless I am explicitly invited, I assume my presence is unwanted. I keep trying to reason it out as "no, I was at training for my other new job and they probably planned it while I was at that training. They probably just assumed that I knew I was invited and I assumed I wasn't invited and that's why I didn't go." But at the same time, this tiny voice keeps saying, "No one likes you, that's why they didn't invite you. If they wanted you there, someone would've asked you before everyone left if you were going or texted you and asked you why you weren't there with them." And I want to disprove that voice so badly but I am not on the best terms with these toxic people. The thought popped into my head in the past day or two to maybe quit this job if it doesn't get better. If I continue to feel left out and alone, I need to either take a long break from this job or quit completely. And I don't want to quit, but it may be best for me.

I've got a new job at the same facility as my first job, and this time it's as a facility manager for the building. I'm very excited for it. I get to be very hands-on and get leadership experience and experience managing a large exercise facility. I'm very excited for this facility, not only as an employee, but as a guest. It is brand-new and beautiful. I used it today (employees got to use it first!) and I'm in love with it. I'm excited to do my new exercise thing of weights and swimming and biking and maybe a Latin dance or ballroom class. If I can gain more muscle, I would be grateful. I'm not going to push for it, but if it happens along the way, I'll be happy. But I'm so excited for this new job of mine. The only problem I'll have is not being able to eat during my shifts. My metabolism is kind of fast and I eat smaller meals, so I need to eat relatively frequently. We'll see what happens.

I'm going to create a paper with my resolutions (only two right now) and the reward I'll get for doing those resolutions. They are small and manageable. The first is to write a page a day of a story I'm working on and would like to publish eventually. The second is to stick to my workout schedule. I'm willing to be flexible for that because life happens. I may get sick, my depression may hit again, etc. I just need to roll with it and work with it.

Vacation time!

Sorry it's been a while since I've written! I went back home for the weekend and spent a lot of time away from my computer. Which ended up being a problem because I promptly forgot the log-ins to a lot of websites. Except this one and a few others. Oops. My memory isn't as good as I thought.

But yeah! I went home this past weekend for my birthday and I'm going home next weekend (not this one) for my brother's graduation. He's graduating high school! And then coming to school an hour and a half away from where I currently go to school. I asked him why, because I was certain he was going to go to an in-state school. His response? "I hate a lot of the people I went to high school with and I want to get away from them."

My exact same reasoning. Both of us knew that people were going to go to the two big in-state schools.

I also get to celebrate my third anniversary with my boyfriend when I go back this time around! It's actually this weekend, but we're in two different states. Oh well. Still, it will be fun when we get to do something together!

Back (for good?)

I have had a rough semester. It's the reason I ended up dropping the blog, ended up withdrawing from a lot of my social activities, and a lot of my hobbies so I could focus on school and my two jobs. It's summer now, which means FREE TIME! I may go back to Musings Monday, WIP Wednesday, and Finished/Photography Fridays if possible.

Musings Monday is most likely going to end up turning into "let's document my attempts to pick up new hobbies!"  Currently I'm trying to learn how to code HTML, CSS, and Javascript. Who knows, I may get good enough to redesign my blogger (so if it goes wonky one day, you'll know why). And maybe get hired by a company! Total sarcasm. I don't think I'll be able to get that good enough.

I'm also trying to start up my own store so I can make some extra money, and I'm also co-blogger of a travel tumblr blog. My friend and I are doing it for funsies, mostly. we shall see! Summer should be good to me, especially since I am going home frequently, working, and traveling abroad.

Summer So Far

I've had a very fun week. I've had some super sweet friends who've been willing to help me deal with a fear, friends who played video games with me until 4 in the morning, and friends who've been overall really cool dealing with me. Summer's turning out to be fun so far.

To Write or Not to Write

That's fairly stupid question, because the answer will always be "to write," unless you worked, then swam for an hour, then ran around chasing a frisbee for two and a half hours. Quite frankly, I'm tired. I really want to write, but I'm not feeling it. I'm inspired, but it's too much effort to move pen across paper. It's too much effort to even word vomit. It's kind of sad, because I really want to finish this story. I am almost done with it. But I've got no inspiration. I just want to sit at my computer and watch funny shows all night.

Running on something

I'm 90% positive I'm running off of some hidden reserve of energy. After getting back from three hours of roller blading, bounce housing, and climbing through a jungle gym (once in a speed run), I was still awake and active enough to do random dancing in my apartment. Then go get frozen yogurt. And I'm still running off of something. I'm going to crash so hard tomorrow, and I've got work tomorrow. I'll survive. I may be running off of the energy of wanting to do something. I want to swim, I want to play frisbee, I want to play volleyball. I want to do something active. I want to socialize. Yet I haven't, so I'm sitting here trying to find something productive to do and it's coming out in the oddest ways.

Ultimate Frisbee

I've become the photographer for the club. It's fun! I like it. I'm also a substitute, whenever they don't have a lot of people. I can't wait for the summer!

Lifeguarding

Yesterday, I got my lifeguard certification, and I'm super excited to have that. I might also have a lifeguard job sometime soon, because my instructor approached me and said that if I'm interested we can talk. This takes a load off of my shoulders, because I need a job. Desperately. For summer. I'd rather just focus on my studies and explore, but I need a job. A friend of mine who is a lifeguard at the facility I may work at said it's a pretty safe place. They had to perform one rescue in eight months, and that was because the woman couldn't handle it, despite the fact there were lane lines extremely close on either side of her. I guess that means I don't have to be too worried about performing a deep submerged rescue.

I'm not feeling quite my usual self right now, so this is a quick update. I can be a lifeguard and I may be a lifeguard. Yay, me!

Progress!

I promise that Wednesday I will talk about my vegetarian diet. Promise. I may have a new (vegetarian!) recipe to share! Your waiting will not be in vain. I think Wednesday I'll talk about a cupcake pattern I tried out today, share the frosting I used for that (I had to adapt the one given to me), and possibly share a recipe using tofurky. I went to Trader Joe's and bought myself some to make spaghetti, you see. While I was at Trader Joe's, I had a bit of an epiphany. I don't miss meat. Not as much as I thought I would. I do, however, miss seafood. I wanted to pick up some salmon while at TJ, but I didn't because that fish would just sit in my freezer for a few weeks. Oh, well.

"But what's this progress you mention in your title?" you ask. I'm getting there! Just went on a bit of a tangent, that's all. My progress is actually related to my crochet/knit projects! Did you expect differently? I've got a few finished projects. One has been finished since the beginning of January, the others finished only recently. Here we are:

The Triumph Cable Scarf from Smariek Knits

I churned this one out in about nine days. I started on January 9th, finished January 14th. I honestly thought it would take longer because of the cables... But it didn't! This is a beautiful pattern for the scarf. It's a part of Smariek's series of cable scarves. I recommend checking out the rest of the series. The scarves are absolutely gorgeous.

Dog Blanket

One of the two blankets I made for my dogs. The blankets were stashbusting projects, in truth. It works, though! Acrylic yarn is best for my dogs, because Joey occasionally throws up while in his cage. It needs to be something that is easy to wash, yet look attractive at the same time. I have to figure out which blanket to give to which dog... The star blanket didn't turn out quite as large as I'd hoped and this blanket can work for either dog. We'll see!

Same as Seven by Caitlin ffrench

This took a little while to make because it was initially only worked on while I was riding the bus to volunteer work and during periods where it would be impossible for me to bring a larger project. Towards the end, I powered through this. I used Caron Simply Soft, and I'm extremely fond of the colors. It was very simple and enjoyable to make.

Penny Arcade Jacket by Vickie Howell

I need to get more yarn for this project, but I got all of this from three balls of Red Heart Simply Soft. My gauge isn't quite right, so I found, much to my shock, I'm making a size large using the size medium instructions. Note to self: If using the same hooks, work the pattern smaller to get the correct size. 

Seven and Zero by Caitlin ffrench

Another cute triangle scarf pattern by Caitlin ffrench! According to her, 'Same as Seven' is the same as 'Seven and Zero', minus the holes. I wanted to make this one because it looks a little more feminine, and I needed another stashbusting project. I'm a huge fan of the blue/white of this scarf. 

Donald Duck Blanket

This is my mom's birthday blanket! I alluded to this before, remember? Well, I'm almost done with the second 'oh boy'. I'm hoping this will be finished by my mom's birthday. You can see the slight differences in color at the top... this is because I thought all the light blue I had would be similar. Dye lots are extremely important. I don't particular;y care because it gives this blanket a little quirk. I ended up using the baggies to hold tiny balls of yarn because that got tangled, fast. I had a huge pile of yarn while trying to do the color work at first. I became frustrated and started using the baggies instead. It works like a charm. 

There is my progress for the week!

A Confession of Sorts

I'm sure you'd much rather hear me talk about my vegetarian 30 day challenge, but this is actually something I want to talk about.

Today, for my Innovations Roadmap class, I had to give a presentation about a problem and how it's connected to me. My problem statement (after my teacher amended it) is "Knitting/crocheting is an undervalued tool in helping with mental disorders." I then had to explain why this was important to me. My teacher stresses that the personal connection is important because you need the connection if you kind of lose track. This was the hardest thing for me to do. I've got the mindset that I need to deal with problems on my own and that no one else cares about it. Telling people why knitting/crocheting and mental health is connected made me extremely nervous.

It didn't help that for the past few weeks, I haven't been feeling very confident in my problem statement and coming up with a 'valid' connection. Today, I got up there and explained why this problem is important to me. I picked up knitting when I was 12 because I was bored. In high school, it morphed into a coping mechanism for stress. I had an on and off relationship with high school. In college, it became the coping mechanism for extreme stress, anxiety, and depression. I am prone to anxiety and stress, so that was nothing new. But there's a unique thing in Utah that I didn't have to experience before.

Snow storms that block out the sky and the sun. Sickening fog that does the same thing. It is entirely possible to not be able to see the sun for a while. I've lived in sunny places for my entire life, with little cloud coverage. There was one week in particular where I didn't see the sun. One whole week without the sun and blue sky. My mood plummeted. That one week, I was seriously depressed, and refused to tell anyone but Nate about it because of the aforementioned reason. I thought I needed to remain strong because society didn't want a weak individual. My self-esteem suffered, my attention span shrunk miserably, and I found it hard to get up in the morning. I starved myself as best as I could without my roommates noticing. I self-harmed a little. I contemplated suicide once or twice because I would've have to deal with all the stress anymore. The thing that kept me from doing anything too distract was knitting. I got lost in it and kept away the 'cycle of rumination.'

I admitted to my Innovations Roadmap class I may have a form of depression called Seasonal Affective Disorder. As the name says, it's seasonal. Mine may occur during winter because of the cloud coverage in Utah. I can't say for a fact that I have this disorder for sure because in order to be diagnosed with it, I need to experience symptoms for two consecutive years. That's the thing with depression. So this disorder, my stress, my anxiety, is my connection to my problem. I admitted this in a wavering voice to the people that lives in the same wing as me. I admitted this after saying last week I was afraid of talking in class because I didn't want to be judged (and be considered weak, hypocrite, that sort of thing).

The response? My teacher said I was brave for admitting this sort of thing.

When I got back to my room, I found nothing but support. Kristan and Olivia who live next door said they liked my presentation, and Kristan offered a solution with Vitamin D pills, which is what the pituitary gland needs and gets from sun exposure. I bought some of those pills while I was at the store earlier and laughed when I saw them called the 'sunshine pill.' They also said I could come over to their room any time and chill with them and bake. It was such a nice offer, because I love baking (and they make good cookies).

Olivia who lives in the same room as me (I'll call her Liv from now on) said I had a good presentation and said her room was a source of free hugs. I'm really glad I met Liv. I value the friendship I have with her. She understands what I'm going through, and told me her coping mechanism is music. And this girl is a wonderful musician. Her songs are great and she's funny and awesome.

Ysa, Lynette, Madeline, and a few others also said "good presentation. That was brave of you."

The positive reception I got made me happy for the rest of the day. It told me I was not alone. It reaffirmed that the people I live with are the best, considerate people I can live with. It took a while for me to find that sense of 'community,' but now that I've found it, I love it. I won't be too nervous speaking to them. I don't feel that insecure. To know I have people I can hang out with... That is important to me. More than most people know. I've been feeling like I didn't have any people I could hang out with easily. This, though, encourages me to be more outgoing with those on my floor, talk, and connect with them more.

To the people on my floor, I am nothing but grateful. Thank you, everyone.

I'm back!

I went MIA for the past week because school is handing me this massive amounts of homework, which I'm responding to with an "I don't care!" That's not the best way to respond, children. Go study.

I finished up a paper for one class and have to work on a presentation for another, in addition to massive amounts of reading from a few other classes. Seventeen credit hours... I'm crazy. I know this. Add my volunteer work (approx. 5 hours a day, twice a week) and social obligations, and I've been swamped. However, I've almost caught up with my work! ...Maybe 'caught up' isn't the best term, because I was never behind to begin with. The more appropriate term would be 'almost finished.' Especially since I'm  knocking out big projects that have been stressing me out.

To deal with the stress and make myself happy again, I've been crocheting. What else would I be doing? Cooking? Yeah, that's not until next Tuesday. I get to make cookies for Nate and send him those, plus another little surprise, for Valentine's Day! No buying chocolate for me! Not until all the chocolate is on sale and I can buy boxes of it to enjoy. But I digress! I've been crocheting away on projects, and I've finished two! Both of them are the blankets for my dogs (mentioned here). I finished the striped blanket an hour ago. I don't have pictures of it as a result. I do have pictures of the star blanket, though.

Caution: staring at the yarn may hurt your eyes.

Now my problem is giving what blanket to which dog! They're both large enough for Chester and likely durable enough to be used in Joey's cage... I guess I'll find out when I go home in March!

I'm very excited to go home in March. It'll be a month away as of Friday. I'm so ready for school to be over. Every student is echoing my sentiments in one way or another.

Steadily crafting away

I've been way busy with homework recently, but in the midst of things, I've found time to start on some new projects. I think it's more interesting to work on several projects at once than to do one project and finish, then do another and finish, and so on. It keeps me entertained. Admittedly, I haven't been working on the projects much... It's just a stitch here or there, in between screen pages loading and copying down notes. But I've got four very nice projects going on. 

One is for myself, called the Penny Arcade jacket from Vickie Howell. I am in love with the stitches and I'm making it in a dark green color. It'll look great when it's finished! 

The second is a Donald Duck blanket for my mother. I adapted a sweater chart and turned it into a blanket. My mom will love it, I have no doubt. Her love for Donald Duck knows no bounds.

I am making the Chromium Star Blanket and the Striped Blanket for my two dogs, Chester and Joey. Chester's star blanket is being made from two yarns, a bulky brown and a bulky blue-brown-white striped. Joey's is dark blue with dark blue camo additions. It's for the dogs when they're chilling on the couch at home (or in Joey's case, in his cage). The last two are more stash busters than anything, but the colors work perfectly. My dogs get nothing but the best. 

In addition to all of those, I'm making a nice scarf. It's going to be a project I bring with me on the bus when I go do my volunteering. It's small enough for me to bring without bothering anyone and interesting enough to keep my attention. I got about six inches done on the bus today. It looks pretty. I really love the yarn I used for it. I've made another scarf like it in a light blue, and that came out gorgeous. 

That's my crafting update! Have a good weekend, dear readers.

School is killing me!

Seventeen credit hours is something that's considered suicidal among college students. Guess who's got seventeen credit hours? This girl! I have a ton of reading to do (one night included 50+ pages of reading. On a computer.), a ton of big projects (three are looming on the horizon!), and lots of knowledge to consume (Japanese and linguistics). Add volunteer work, and you've got the recipe for a very, very busy and stressed out college student just trying to keep up the good grades.

I apologize if I don't post recipes or meaningful knitting/crochet posts in the next few weeks. I'm waiting until my current ESL student takes her citizenship test to halt volunteer work, and that's going to take up some time. My posts can only be quips on some days because of the sheer amount of work I've got.

Thank you for bearing with me!

Finally home!

I came home to Vegas on the 15th. I had a friend from college stay at my house for the first five days of winter break, and she wanted to go see the Bellagio fountain. So we went to eat at Mon Ami Gabi across the street and got to see the Bellagio fountain that way. Three times. It was pretty cool! But I'd honestly forgotten how bright Vegas is.

My friend left on the 19th. I've really been enjoying my vacation so far. Up until two days ago, it's been a mad rush to finish presents. I finished my aunt's hat and found out she wants a scarf to go with it! I chose Smariek's Triumph Cable Scarf to go with the hat. It works perfectly with the hat, and my aunt will really enjoy it, I think. Then, two days ago, I finished Nate's scarf. He gets it on his birthday in approximately four days. He'll love it. It's six and a half feet long (easily), and he loves long scarves. I think of the three scarves I've made him so far, two of them have been double knit. This is (probably) the best one so far, because I'm combining his love for scarves and his love for Legend of Zelda. I'm rather fond of the pattern, to tell you the truth. It's pretty!

My aunt's hat!

No picture for the scarf yet because Nate does read this and I'm not spoiling it. 

Now I'm finishing a friend's commission. She wanted a shark and gave me the pattern for it. That pattern challenged me by using all sorts of techniques I never thought of using. It looks fine, though! I'm also working on a blanket with the Portal guy on it. I'm only working on the orange portal because I only have one hook of the size I need. It'll be cool when it's finished!

Progress on Christmas Presents

I measured my dad's blanket yesterday and found out I have 16.5 inches left of the blanket. When I found out, I thought, "HALLELUJAH." I'm almost done with the fourth pattern repeat of Nate's scarf.

I'm starting to feel the crunch for making presents. I'm going to be working on it almost nonstop for the next week or so because I have no finals. I anticipate a few trips to the library to work on the scarf with a peaceful mind and plenty of episodes of Cake Boss to finish the blanket. I WILL get these presents done.

Then I get to start on a hat for my aunt. She was supposed to go through radiation treatment, but the hospital or something called and said she couldn't do it because of her oxygen levels or something. I'm still making her that hat. I want to cheer up my aunt. She's going through a hard time with her sickness and she's my favorite aunt (I feel like I'm not supposed to pick favorites among family, but she's the best). I'll be making her this hat in Caron's Simply Soft "Forest" colorway. I think I'll make a medium hat for a safe bet. She wanted to stand out in a crowd, but not too much. This hat will accomplish it for her. I showed my dad several patterns and colors (she's his sister, after all), and he went right for that hat in the forest color. I can't wait to start on it.

I'm back!

It's been a very long time, I'm sorry. I'll definitely keep up with this one now, though. I've entered a new stage in life, and as fun as it is to go on another site and complain about college life, I don't write much on it. It's mainly based on reblogging anyway. Blah. :{ The new, fantastic blog that this will become will be full of crochet and knit projects, recipes, and my college life in general. This will be a fun experience!

Also! I used to have another blog on blogger, but I deleted it. It was for my mom, but now I think I'll do it on this one.  My mother doesn't bead as often as she used to, but I'll post up what I can get from her here.