Vacation time!

Sorry it's been a while since I've written! I went back home for the weekend and spent a lot of time away from my computer. Which ended up being a problem because I promptly forgot the log-ins to a lot of websites. Except this one and a few others. Oops. My memory isn't as good as I thought.

But yeah! I went home this past weekend for my birthday and I'm going home next weekend (not this one) for my brother's graduation. He's graduating high school! And then coming to school an hour and a half away from where I currently go to school. I asked him why, because I was certain he was going to go to an in-state school. His response? "I hate a lot of the people I went to high school with and I want to get away from them."

My exact same reasoning. Both of us knew that people were going to go to the two big in-state schools.

I also get to celebrate my third anniversary with my boyfriend when I go back this time around! It's actually this weekend, but we're in two different states. Oh well. Still, it will be fun when we get to do something together!

When is it Okay to Tell Someone to Stop Being Too Much of Something?

It's been a bad week for me. On Wednesday, after having a long day, I found out a good friend got fired from his job. He was, truthfully, one of the few people whose company I genuinely enjoyed at this job, with its long nights and hardships. He said that essentially it summed up to him being "too trusting" of people. Like that's a bad thing? So after this, trying to console our good friend about this friend being fired, and a sexist remark from another mutual friend that left me fuming, I went to bed early instead of trying to study.

Then Thursday, my supervisor made a remark about the events of Wednesday night about how she would've just gone back to her room instead of trying to help this friend through the news. My jaw almost dropped. I had to serve two roles Wednesday night almost simultaneously. Not only is that going against what my job description is, that is rude and disrespectful as a friend. So I ended up being mad at my supervisor. I'm still mad at her. I went back to my room so I could focus on studying for a test on Tuesday when I came across two of my co-workers in the hall. They asked me to swipe them into the key room so that one of them could get back into her room because she forgot her keys. So I did, and asked the one who didn't forget her keys, "Why didn't you just go back to your room? It's right down the hall."

"Oh, you happened to be coming down the hall so I decided to ask you!" she replied. I sighed and rolled my eyes. The next thing she said touched a nerve, especially in light of the previous night's events.

"You're too reliable. You should stop so people don't keep asking you for things."

I didn't really reply back. Gave a noncommittal response that may have been a small laugh before going upstairs to where I live. It really bothered me, that remark. I like to think one of my good points is being reliable. It's something I'm both proud and angry of being, but I'm more proud than anything. So that remark felt like a personal attack. It came too close to my friend being "too trusting."

Since when is being "too much" of something a bad thing?

Dreams of Travel

You know the whole nature vs. nurture thing? I wonder about it sometimes. In a post from about two weeks ago, when I talk about swimming, I said I was "born to be a water girl." Honestly, I love the stuff. It's still a goal to swim in a lake and a river. But that's a tangent. Do I love the water so much because I grew up in two states that was surrounded by water on at least three sides? Was it because I was on the swim team for a bit and grew to love that? It was likely caused by my environment, not who I am.

What does this have to do with anything, you ask? Well, I ask because I'm also a traveler. I love to travel, and I get restless if I sit in one place too long without a change of scenery. I can only change my scenery so much without a car. In this situation, my desire to travel was caused by my dad. He took the family places all the times. Canada, Mexico, Japan, the Bahamas, a ton of states. Lots of national parks. And road trips. Those are a blast. I've been traveling since I was a few months old. Now that I'm in college, I don't get to do it often. Poor college kid and all.

First Google image if you type in "poor college student." We get shirts?!

There's something refreshing about hopping in a car and traveling somewhere you've never been. The view outside of the car changes. You blast music- or, in my family's case, Dad picks something to listen to and moves it up to the front of the car so the kids can blast their music with headphones in. You talk and laugh and maybe have a hard time hearing what's being said at the front, and then there's a lot of yelling. You have a map to know where you're going, but maybe something looks interesting so you go there for a bit. Hello, 18-something's town. Then you lose cell service and if you don't have a map, you better hope the one driving wants to stop for directions instead of driving aimlessly.

But that's life, right?

This is what my family does during road trips.

I talked with a friend last night, and we got onto the topic of traveling. I think we both agreed a road trip is a cool thing. I don't actually remember, because I'm running on 4 1/2 hours of sleep and quite a few things have slipped my mind, despite my attention to details. I just remember I said road trips are cool. I recall saying something about how I wanted to road trip somewhere I had never been, to somewhere radically different from where I'd grown up, and take pictures of everything. Document the journey.

I've grown up in suburbia. I can tell you I've seen a lot of concrete and a heck of a lot of water and desert. To me, anything with more than a few trees is green. When my family went on a cross country road trip last year, I stared out the windows a good portion of the trip because there were trees everywhere. We joked, "What is this green stuff at the side of the road?" Then we were up north and there were all those fields, I found it interesting. For a bit. Then I became tired of seeing corn. But plants! Green! Not neon lights and metal and concrete!

WOOOOOO LIGHTS EVERYWHERE. LIGHTS AND IMPORTED FAKE TREES!

Of course, my friend laughed when I said certain places were green to me. He grew up in a place where there was green everywhere. The concept of someplace really green is foreign to me. Maybe, one day, when I have a car and money and can road trip, I'll visit green places like his hometown. I'll visit places with forests and rivers. I won't do urban landscape, oh no. I can do natural landscapes. I've told one of my closest friends that we should do a road trip. It's been a topic half of my friends have been going on about during summer. We keep thinking, "You know what? A road trip would be way fun." We have different destinations in mind, though. One wants to go to San Diego. Another wants to go to another place in California. I want to go northwest- so Washington, Oregon, Idaho. ("Spokane's a nice place," is what my close friend said when I mentioned Washington.) I'd also like to go to the East Coast, but that's more for history interests. Plus, I've been to the East Coast a lot. I want to spend a bit more time exploring the West Coast.

This ties in with something else my friend and I had talked about. Dreams. He had a lot of really cool dreams, but "none of them will come true." That's better than me, I told him. I didn't really have dreams. Then it occurred to me that no, I do have a dream. A dream that'll likely never come true because it's 1) expensive and 2) kind of an all-or-nothing thing.

That dream is to travel the world and take photographs of all of the gorgeous places that exist on our planet.

This is the photo that I claim started it all. An accidental good shot.

I love photography. I'd love to be able to do something with it. But if it doesn't work out, what do I do? Go back to being a linguistics major with no idea what to do with her life? Admittedly, I can probably get to traveling by being an ESL teacher. People want ESL teachers, right? Plus, if I improve my Japanese and learn Chinese and Korean, I can be a translator in those countries. Companies love multi-lingual people, right?

That's probably the one dream I've had for a while, with slight changes. I just wanted to travel the world when I was little. Now, I want to travel the world, see the amazing sights, take photos of those amazing sights. Walk, bike, ride a train, bus, or taxis. I miss trains. That's how I got around in Japan. Good memories. Also one of the only vehicles I can fall asleep in. Taste the food. Soak in the culture. Explore. Get lost. Go on adventures.

People in Motion

Today, I went to go take pictures of a family friend's daughter. She's an ice skater, and I've always loved watching ice skaters because what they do seems incredible. They're so graceful, too. It's really, really neat to watch them. She was only practicing, but I wanted to take pictures of her anyway. The mom asked me if there was any particular theme to my assignment, and almost without thinking I said, "I enjoy people in motion."

And really, I think taking photographs of people moving are one of the better things I do. I take photos of the frisbee group I'm a part of. Some of those photos are funny, others look awesome, and others are complete duds (out of focus shots suck). But they're interesting subjects because they're so dynamic. They move, all the time. And this fascination with people in motion explains why I like watching certain sports so much. I love watching swimmers. Really, that one is because I'm a swimmer myself. But I love watching swimmers swim, because all the strokes are so different, requiring different skills. I'm fascinated by butterfly swimmers. That's the hardest stroke for me, but it's so cool to watch.

I like watching the guys I play frisbee with, because they're so different. Some get good verticals, others dive, others run. If you can take a picture fast enough, they're in the best poses. Sometimes it looks like people are flying, or they're levitating the frisbee. Or you catch the funny moments where people barely miss catching the frisbee.

I like watching dancers because they move so much. They look graceful, and I'm always trying to figure out how people do moves. I love watching pirouettes. I'm horrible at them. Funny how I love watching what I'm so bad. Can't do butterfly, but love watching it. Can't do more than a single pirouette, but I love watching dancers do pirouettes. With dancers, if you catch the right moment, everything looks put together so wonderfully. 

So when I took pictures of the girl skating, I hoped to catch moments where she looked graceful and looked absolutely stunning. And I did. Sometimes it's a shame I've occasionally got to watch things through a lens, when I'm so in love with the way people move. 

College Bucket List

One of my friends in from my floor last year created a "college bucket list" club, or something similar. This got me started on what I wanted to do before I graduate college. The first year, I had no aspirations of doing much besides surviving. But now, I want to do things. I want to know what Utah and life has to offer me, a college student looking for where she belongs in the world.

Here's my college bucket list + the reasons.

1. Go rafting. I've had two people in the past month say they've gone rafting were going to go but work got in the way. And it sounds like a fun thing to do. Plus, who doesn't want to raft down a cold river in the middle of summer with a bunch of friends (and likely get a tan?).

2. Go kayaking. Same reasons as above. Different friends, but people have said it. I think it'd be a whole lot of fun. MORE WATER. Also, with friends, in summer.

3. Swim in a lake. This is on my actual bucket list too. I want to jump into a lake and just swim around in it. Not like Lake Mead. Lake Mead is nasty. Nah, I want a nice lake. And it's more reasons for me not to wear my one-piece swimsuit. That's why I haven't gone swimsuit shopping in forever for a new bikini. I don't ever use one and I want an excuse to use one.

4. Road trip with friends. To the beach. BECAUSE WHO DOESN'T LOVE THE BEACH?! Also: it's probably way nicer to be on the beach in California than up in the mountains in Utah.

This is actually Myrtle Beach in SC. Whatever. It's a beach.

5. Road trip with friends. To wherever. I just want to road trip with friends. Throw all our crap into a car and drive wherever strikes our fancy. I kinda want to go north. Probably Seattle or Portland or someplace. So northwest? Anyway. Road. Trip. Anywhere.

5. Attend concerts. Salt Lake's small, but it's got good concerts. Maybe I'll attend more now that I live here. Only problem? Car. I don't have one.

6. Visit Japan on a study abroad/internship. I'm going through some hardcore nostalgia. I just want to go back to Japan by any means necessary. Study abroad, internship, living with my grandmother, you name it. I will take any way to get back there.

7. Learn how to dance. Okay, so this was a goal of mine at the beginning of summer. That, be more social, and speak Japanese more. It's still a goal. I signed up for a modern dance class for the fall and I think I'll take a ballet class in the spring (and one of my friends may take it with me!). If I like either enough, I'll keep going with it.

8. Improve my times in swimming. Right now, my times for a 50yd free is about 40 seconds and about 1:30 for 100yds. I know I can swim about 600yds in 10-11 minutes. I want my 50yd to go down to about 30 and my 100 to maybe 1:00 or 1:10. I also want to swim a faster breaststroke.

9. Be social. And by this, I mean navigate social situations appropriately. Not feel awkward when I first meet people.

10. Work on strengthening my friendships. I have more friends than I did in high school, which is a success. But I want to be able to concentrate on keeping the high school friendships I had and on strengthening the ones I made in college. That'll be kinda difficult because everyone will be so busy in the fall, so the likelihood of me seeing them often is low. But that's what facebook is for, right? Sending messages to people, asking how they've been? ...Just got to get over my fear of messaging people on facebook.

11. Drive to Moab and do something fun there. Like a hike. I hear Moab is a beautiful place and I really, really want to go. I'd likely go for hiking, but there's kayaking too, so that's also an option.

12. Climb Lisa Falls again WITHOUT panicking. I climbed Lisa Falls earlier this summer with a bunch of friends. The places I got hit the worst still have marks. The reason I panicked? I'm bad with heights and I was not expecting bouldering. Next time, though, I know what to look out for and I'll swallow my fear of heights to go. That was gorgeous.

13. Play zombie tag dressed as a survivor or a zombie. I've played the university's zombie tag both times. The first time I stopped playing halfway through because I skinned my leg and my elbow. Also: knee brace was present. Fantastic. The second time, I became a zombie. That was the day I decided to dress up because why not. It's fun to dress up. I want others to do this with me. It'd be so fun to have a group of friends go all L4D or something at a game.

Swimming

I’m on a roller coaster with too many ups and downs. I’ve had moments where I wanted to laugh (and laughed) and moments where I wanted to cry (and cried silently). And things came to a head today, when I thought I was prepared to take on the world and broke. There were a variety of reasons. Negative emotions threatened to overtake me. They were unhappiness, anger, guilt, helplessness, pity.

And I decided.

I could either sit with tense shoulders and give myself a headache, I could go out with friends and run away from my sadness for a few hours, or I could find my method for making myself feel better.

Well, I did sit with tense shoulders for a bit. I’d be hanging out with friends soon, but I’d be a killjoy if I went out unhappy.

So I fell to my method of feeling better.

I went straight to the pool.

I broke personal records today. I swam 2200 yards in total in about 50 minutes. I swam 600 yards nonstop freestyle. I swam 500 yards nonstop breaststroke. I swam a 2x100 butterfly.

Butterfly is the worst stroke in the world, let me tell you.

By the end of the 2200 yards, I was relaxed. I felt less tense. But I wasn’t done. I went and did water pull-ups because I can’t do regular ones. Did those until my arms screamed at me. Worth it.

While swimming, I wondered how I got to that point. And I wrote a tiny little thing. Here it is:

I think I was born to be a water girl.

I adored the water since I was a little kid. I was born on a peninsula, One of my favorite things was going to the beach with my friends. I liked going into the ocean to swim and splash everyone. I haven’t forgotten the time I spent hours out on the beach and neglected to reapply sunscreen. It hurt for anything to touch my skin, but I hurt myself doing something I loved. That’s an odd thing to be proud of.

I moved to an island. Sure, I was isolated. I was a little lonely. But I found a key part of myself there. No, not the love of video games, being a tomboy, or preferring male friends to female friends.

I found the water all around me. I literally could not escape it. I joined the swim team and swam competitively. One of my swim team friend’s dad owned the water park close by. My dad worked at a beachfront resort and I got to go to the lagoons all the time. My swim team coach was a little off. But, as one of my coworkers put it, “what swim coach isn’t a little crazy?” I enjoyed the laps and pushing myself. I was a chubby kid, and I thought I couldn’t swim as fast as my skinner friend. I was so proud when I get first in several events, beating some of the smaller kids on occasion. I was good at something.

The swim coach had us swim laps in the lagoons. Terrifying. We could’ve been sucked out to sea. It never happened, though. Laps were a lot of fun. Laps in the wave pool at the water park were even better. More so when the waves were turned on and we had to fight the waves. (This practice ruined my love of the wave pool as just a wave pool.) I complained a lot about swim practice, I’m sure. But I enjoyed it. When I hit the water, my world made sense.

Then I moved to a landlocked state and lost everything. I lost my beaches, I lost my water park, I lost my swim team. I didn’t want to do anything in that state. I didn’t realize the rec center was close by. There goes middle school. I did discovered I liked to sing in middle school, so it wasn’t a complete waste.

I didn’t go to a normal high school with sports; otherwise, I would’ve tried to get on the swim team. No one was going to wait for a magnet student for two hours (the amount of time it took me to get to that school by bus). So I let high school fly by. The only water contact came from the backyard pool. That wasn’t a lap pool, though. I wanted to feel the joy of cutting through the water. I remained an average teen.

Cue college. Imagine my extreme delight when I found the pool was three minutes from my dorms. Forget the field house.

(What would I do at the field house? I hate running. I hate exercise machines unless they’re the spin bikes. I can’t lift weights.)

The pool is where it’s at.

I went as often as I could. Usually, that was about three times a week. Combine that with eating healthy and I dropped 15 pounds by the end of the fall semester. Another 5 came off in the spring semester. I felt great. I was so glad that I was close to the water again.

And then the job search. That was stressful. I needed a job for summer, and I applied to job after job. Some, I wouldn’t have minded getting. Others… I applied just because I needed the money. Then a friend said something about a lifeguard certification class and the pool hiring. I jumped on it immediately. I was a little worried about swimming the 300 yards. I hadn’t swum that much in nearly 10 years. What if I couldn’t do it?

I did it. Got certified. Got hired. Picked up my swimming game. Went from 40 minutes of swimming a random amount to swimming a mile every time. That was my goal. There are 1760 yards in a mile. I rounded it up to 1800.

This summer, my swimming seemed to have a purpose. I was back to me again. Being in the water, cutting through it, letting the repetition lull me into a sense of comfort. I was back in my world.

My legs went from okay to getting some definition. It might’ve come from a combination of a lot of kicking and walking up and down a mountain all damn day. My arms went from no muscle to some muscle, and that is likely all swimming. I don’t really do anything else that engaged those muscles. I looked better than I did when I started the school year and way better than I did in high school.

So I’m a little vain about certain parts of my body. Like my legs. They look nice. My arms look nice, and I’m not afraid of showing them off now. My hands and fingers? I’m taking care of them, so they don’t look nasty. I will keep my piano hands pretty. Guess how many people I’ve surprised by how long my fingers are? A lot. And my feet? Okay, I’m not vain about those. They’re functional. And huge. I couldn’t help but smile when one of my friends said, “Your feet are big. They must act like flippers in the water!”

Not quite, but they do help.  

When people are upset, they go to what makes them feel better. One friend runs. One friend immerses herself in music. I immerse myself in the water and push myself until my arms and legs are weak. And then I keep pushing myself. I lose myself in the strokes. Push myself until I can’t swim anymore. Until my body relaxes. 

If I can’t write? Hey, I can swim. Can’t settle down and find something mindless to do? The pool’s three minutes away. Learning how to dance? Practice, but when I get frustrated, the pool is waiting. It’s the one thing I know without a doubt I can do. I swim for me. It’s my thing. The one thing I know I can do well.

I likely missed out on my chance to do something great with swimming. I wanted to be an Olympian when I was a kid. In swimming. Like Katie Ledecky or Missy Franklin or Michael Phelps or Ryan Lochte. But I’ll keep pushing myself, doing the great things for me. When all else fails, I can go back to swimming. I’ll hold onto it for as long as I possibly can.

Should There Be Change?

I decided last night to dye my hair. I didn't know what color, but I wanted to. I eventually decided on dark auburn.

Except now I'm having second thoughts. If I dye my hair, it will damage it. Plus, the shade's not my usual hair color. My hair is dark brown. My thing is... Do I want to keep up with dyeing my hair? Not really. I like my original hair color. I want to be able to have it wash out eventually, so temporary dye is the way I want to go. But I don't know where to get it and have it not be spray on. The Smiths close to my place used to have temporary dye, but no longer. I wonder what I can do? I don't want to permanently change my hair nor do I want to have to wait to grow it out... I'm going to really have to look for temporary dye or my friend will be disappointed she won't be able to dye my hair.

You Deserve Hapiness

That's what I tell everyone in my letters. I am anonymous. A stranger writing a letter to a stranger, hoping to make their day. I have come to the conclusion that I write these uplifting things for two reasons.

1) These are the things I'd want to hear if I got an anonymous letter.

2) I don't want people to fall into the same feelings I had and keep having.

I don't want others to feel inadequate. I don't want others to feel unloved. I don't want them to feel alone and stressed out. I know what it's like when your brain turns on you and tells you things, true or not. Everyone needs reassurance.

"Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the single candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared." -Buddha

So smile. If you smile, someone else will smile, and that smile will keep spreading. Find your reason to smile. It doesn't have to be extravagant. It can be as simple as a silly picture. Your pet. Nature. The weather. No homework. Doing a hobby that you love. Anything. Keep that reason with you all day. When you feel like you're going down, bring that reason to the surface and smile.

Love yourself. It's the most important thing you can do.

Introspection

So today was a frisbee today. Every Friday! And I actually got beat today. First time I took that many hits in one game. I ended up getting hit in the head with the frisbee (because my own teammate kicked it and it hit me) and I ran into someone while trying to block. That guy was dense. Hitting him was like hitting a stone wall. I've been limping around because my left leg hurts and I know I'm going to get a bruise later. I've run into/been tackled by two guys before, but this was something else. However, it was fun. I pushed myself past what I thought possible (running on my hurt leg) every once in a while. Today is the day I've been doing what I didn't think I could do.

I went grocery shopping with Jonathan because I needed to pick up more granola bars and Gatorade for when I decided to pull a swimming-then-frisbee day. And I actually got to articulate my thoughts.

I found that how I interact with specific people will depend on the situation I first meet them. If I talk to people and the situation is uncomfortable, I'm less likely to try talking to them again. But if it's a good environment and it's easy for me to talk to them, I'm more likely to talk to them and consider them a friend. I told Jonathan that I have horrible social skills- something he never would've suspected because I'm talkative. The thing is, I'm shy with people I don't know. Once I get to know a person, I become loud and friendly. I told him I'm almost positive the frisbee guys are helping me be more outgoing. There were a few people I likely would've never bothered to talk to if it hadn't been for frisbee because they weren't the people I would've talked to normally.

Here's a funny story: Apparently, usually when a girl's invited, she comes, sees there are no other girls, then don't show up again. He expected the same from me. Show up, never show up again. It was a surprise to him I kept coming back. (Honestly, I've hung out with guys a lot. I like hanging out with guys.) And according to Jonathan, it's not me that looks scary. I've get this aura about me that is scary. Which rocks in a variety of situations.

For the longest time, I've held the belief I'm an unlikeable person. Whenever I express surprise that someone likes me, it's genuine surprise. But I'm starting to feel more and more accepted. First with my dorm friends, now with the frisbee guys. Here's a situation: A week or two ago, Jonathan had said we were going to split up into teams without flipping (flipping is the usual method of picking teams). The team of four got me, then there was a team of five. One of the guys, Forrest, said, "Pft, no, I want to be on Jess' team." Which made me think, "Wait, why? I can't do anything!" But in retrospect, I liked that, because it made me feel like I was likeable even though I sucked. I don't really suck at frisbee. I'm a decent defender. But when you've had low self-esteem for a long time, it's hard to think, "Hey, people like me!"

When I mentioned all this to Jonathan, he was surprised. He didn't know that the frisbee club could have that kind of impact on someone. It has on me. As I mentioned in this post, I hate missing frisbee. Not only does it help me release a lot of accumulated nervous energy and a lot of accumulated anxiety, but it and the people help me a lot.

I'm really grateful I'm going to university where I am. I've met a ton of people who are helping me get over my fears and anxieties, even if they don't know it. I'm extremely grateful to everyone I've met. I may not have the widest social circle, but the social circles I do go among are the best ones I could ask for. A big thank you to them for doing so much, even if you aren't aware of it. All of my dorms friends, lifeguarding coworkers, and frisbee buddies. They're all awesome.

It's been an odd day

That's all I can say.

I'd write about it, but the internet doesn't want to hear about my problems.

Something I complained about half-light-heatedly and half-seriously: My boss scheduled me to work all day next week Thursday. I'm going to bring enough food for an army and a lot to do.

I'm also looking forward to the Utah Arts Festival in two weeks. I think it'll be a blast.

Summer must be the time for change

I've recently started wanting to do a lot of things I never had the desire (or strong desire) to do before. 

Learn to dance.

Go hiking.

Hang out with friends.

Is it because I've got a ton of free time now? No restraints? Or is it because I've got great friends who are willing to do these things with me?

My friends from my dorm last year showed compassion and kindness when I had my problem back in... January? February? It seems like ages ago, truthfully. They showed they cared. That I could confide in others. It's okay to.

After saying "pft, nah, I'm too tired" several times during spring, I finally went to the frisbee club on campus for summer. Why did I say I was too tired? I had played volleyball just before it. And sometimes, I just didn't feel it. But I finally went, because I had free time and I was curious. I warned my friend and those there, "I can't throw. I can kind of catch. Not sure how much help I'll be." They said it's okay. I had such a blast that first day I went back. And kept going back, every Friday and Sunday, because the people there- those I already know and the people I don't- are cool. They're a community. 

One day we played in the rain. It was awesome. Also, it was cold. But mostly awesome.

The people in frisbee helped bring out the extrovert in me, I'm almost positive. That first day, I spoke to complete strangers with ease. That rarely happens. I'm proving myself and I don't need to put forth effort. It just happens. I showed I'm tough. It came from playing with no one but boys for three years. I was a tomboy and still kind of am. I can take a hit. Take karate for 4+ years with nothing but guys (there was a girl  for a few months every once in a while), and you learn to take a hit fast. I gained a reputation in my karate class for being a fierce grappler. It got to the point where no one would want to spar or grapple with me. I've also got a mean kick. Two of the funniest moments I remember was caused by three people- me, my brother, and a guy named Tyler. I'll elaborate on that some time.

That was a tangent. Point is, the frisbee guys make me feel at ease and make me feel that I can be myself. For once, I don't feel bad I look scary (that's another story). It helps in frisbee. And so does perseverance. Let me tell you, frisbee helps me burn off a lot of extra energy. A few times, I've gone swimming just before frisbee and still had the energy to run around, block, and yell. I've got a lot of energy these days, and I've got an acceptable medium to use it. To tell the truth, I look forward to frisbee every week. I'm hate missing it. The one time I thought I'd miss it because of work and a photography assignment, I expressed my dislike of it to Jonathan (the aforementioned friend). Turns out I didn't miss it because not enough people could come to my photography assignment. Doesn't matter, because everyone at frisbee is an awesome subject.

As for hiking... That came out with my dorm friends from last year. Our friend was going on a mission and we decided to go on a hike. I deliberately did not ask how difficult it was, because if I knew, I would've balked. It's a good thing I didn't ask. We were climbing, not hiking. I'd never gone on a hike before. I also have a fear of heights in certain situations, and that was one of those situations. After telling my friends, they helped me up the mountain, then back down. I got scratched up, abused by rocks, and felt sick several times, but I made it. 

And it was amazing.

I hated hiking. Now, as long as I'm with friends, it's enjoyable. I'm not going to go on that particular hike within the next month or so (I couldn't swim for a week, everything was sore), I'm willing to go with people when they say, "Hey, I'm going on a hike." I find I want to start a group hike. I'm actually going to go on a sunset hike a little later. I actually started this one.

All this leads me to think... I'm going to be a Resident Adviser for first year Honors students in a few months. A couple of months ago, I kept joking, "I'm going to be the worst RA, I'm so shy, I hate meeting new people and talking to people," and so on. Now, I feel like I can be a good RA. I'm willing to meet new people, willing to talk. Good timing, am I right? 

Summer must be the time for change. I feel good about myself. I feel like me. I can express myself and for every person that doesn't like me, I've someone who does. 

It's an awesome feeling.

Does anyone ever get those thoughts...

Where you instantly feel bad thinking about them? I've been doing that recently. With quite a few thoughts. It leaves me conflicted someones, until I shove it away and focus on school or hanging out with friends. Anything to take my mind off of those thoughts.

Exercise

I'm going back to my M-W-F posting schedule. Trying to remember post on Sunday is ridiculous. Partially because I don't want to have to remember I have to write something. I'd rather let my mind go blank.

For the past week, I've found myself looking forward to the times I can go out and exercise, whether it be swimming, playing frisbee, or volleyball. These things make up such a small portion of my day, yet I want to go out and do those things more than anything else right now. I promised myself to go swimming at least twice a week, maybe more, if I get the chance. Frisbee's always set on Friday and Sunday. Volleyball is whenever my volleyball friend can come to to campus to visit.

It's amazing how these things, which I usually detest, can make my week.

Back Home...

But not for much longer. I've got to go back to school to get residency. However, I've got classes two days of the week, I'm working two days of the week, and I'm free for three. I think it'll be a pretty cool summer! I look forward to continuing everything. I feel in love with the city during the summer. I'll find ways to entertain myself.

It's kind of sad, to tell the truth. I won't be back here until the fall, mostly likely. Right after summer semester ends, I jump right into RA training. No time to go home. No time to say hi. I know this is a part of growing up, but it still makes me sad. Growing up is sad and painful sometimes.

A List of Things I Want to Learn To Do

1. Edit together videos in Adobe Premiere well.
2. Do a good Let's Play.
3. Find a group of people to take themed pictures with. 
4. Keep up my photoshop skills.
5. Be flexible
6. People skills????

Innovations Roadmap #14

Goal [gohl]

Noun

1. the result or achievement toward which effort is directed; aim; end

2. the terminal point in a race

3. a pole, line, or other marker by which such a point is indicated

4. an area, basket, cage, or other object or structure toward or into which players of various games attempt to throw, carry, kick, hit, or drive a ball, puck, etc., to score a point or points

5. the act of throwing, carrying, kicking, driving, etc. a ball or puck into such an area or object

TOPIC: Personal goals and recommendations for yourself

One of my goals is simply to make it through college. I’m tired of college already and it’s only my first year. College does not seem like what everyone told me it would be. It’s only the first year, though, so I’ve got to give it time. Maybe I will. There’s a recommendation for myself. Try to make the best of my time in college. I’m not going to change how I am. I’m accepting that I’ve got problems meeting people. But I’m going to try to be more active with the friends I have. If people want to be my friend, they can do that.

One of my personal goals will be to relearn statistics because that’s the most useful kind of math I’m ever going to need. If I’m doing research, statistics will be something I’ve got to learn in order to make sense of the data I get. I’ve never been good at math, but this was honestly the first kind of math class I took in high school that made sense to me. Funnily enough, it was the last math class I took in high school. Four years and only one useful thing learned. But! Anyone can be good at something if they put their mind to. The brain can be rewired. I’m going to make sense of statistics and make it useful for me.

Aside from those school-related goals (it appears as though that’s a lot of my goals), I want to improve my photography skills. I’ll get used to carrying my camera everywhere. And when I see something I like, I’ll take the camera out and take a picture of the thing. I’m not going to give a damn about people giving me funny looks. I want to take pictures of things that appeal to me and are meaningful to me. I’m going to improve taking pictures of human subjects. I only ever take photos of nature because I don’t like photographing human subjects. I think my main problem with this one, though, is that I’m not comfortable asking people to be my subject and pose and things like that. I’ve always got ideas for interesting photos using people, but can’t do it because I can’t bring myself to ask someone to help.

I think the pictures of objects look better than the pictures with the human subjects. Except for the one on the left where my friend is jumped for the volleyball. That one looks awesome.

The next recommendation for myself is going to sound kind of strange. However, it is important for me and likely for others. That recommendation is: use the internet more. If I can’t take classes about graphic design or photograph or things like that, the internet is the next best thing. I’ll teach myself. I’m pretty good at teaching myself things. I’ve taught myself to knit, crochet, and sight read on the piano. I can’t tell you what notes they are right away just by looking at them, but tell me to point the notes out on a piano keyboard and I can do that quickly. The internet has so far only been used for my leisure. I’m going to teach myself to do the things I want to learn, because I can’t take those classes in college. I’m going to find a way to train my skills with the internet as a resource. Take everything on the internet with a grain of salt, I know. But when you can find the good stuff, it is good.

Two posters I made for my club. I wanted it to be cooler looking, but once again, no experience. That's a problem.

In a Rut

There are times when I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. It's probably been more prominent this semester, as it ends, then ever. I'm taking several classes that are forcing me to think about my perspective of life or life in general. I'm not huge on thinking of it all at the same time. I've already got a ton of stress in my life. Why do I need more?

One class- I believe my American Institutions class- mentioned how holding a college degree is becoming so common that it's expected. It used to be something that would get you ahead in life. Now... Now what? A lot of people hold a college degree; so what? What makes me special? Nothing. I'm not going to hold some amazing helpful degree that'll make me shine. I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like I'm not enjoying college as much as I should be. I want to do what I want, but everything else is demanding my attention. I can't do what I want. College is not what people are telling me it is.

There was something else we discussed in that class. My teacher wondered why we weren't willing to take risks or branch out. My thoughts about it is that I can't. My dad wants me to get through college in four years. I cannot tell you how often I've heard "make sure it's relevant. You can't waste time." In addition, it's also because I've had support my whole life. I'm afraid of losing everything and not finding a place for me again. I can't tell you how often I've had a day dream about dropping out of college and travelling. I want to take pictures. Enjoy the simplicity of nature and life without school. That's all my life's been based on. School. and I can't define myself outside of it. Everything's... school. I want a life outside of it. Now that I think about it, I'm wondering about what I want to do in life. Be a teacher. More school? Is that how prominent it is in my life? Is it because I truly enjoy teaching or is it because I can't separate myself from the school environment?

I wish I could make a living for myself off of artsy things. Crocheting, knitting, photography. But I can't. And I'm not sure if it's because I've been so trained to think I can't or because I used to think I could but reality hit me hard and all my optimism about anything has been taken away from me. I feel like it's both. 

In the love letters I write to strangers, I constantly say, "Don't let the world make you hard." And I realized I'm saying a lot of things to these strangers that I don't follow myself. I think, I'm too far gone. It's already happened to me. All these things have passed me by. I tell these people these things because I don't want it to happen to them. 

I'm young. I should not be this bitter, this angry, this hateful at myself and at other things. 

Check out this organization!

I'm going to preface this with a story.

I really love my dad's sister. She's the best aunt ever. The last time I saw her was last summer, on my family's grand American road trip. It was only for a day, for a few hours. But I was so happy to see her. I knew she was sick. It was a kidney problem, I think. She was supposed to get a transplant, but was rejected because her oxygen levels were too low and putting her through the surgery would be risky. My dad told me the doctors gave her 90 days. This was at the beginning of the year, and I freaked out. Internally freaked out. I'm good at hiding my emotions until I'm alone. When I was alone, I cried and cried.

She had told me at the end of December she wanted a scarf to accompany the hat I had made her. I got that done in record time and sent it to her. And for a while, I heard nothing. Not from her, not from my dad. So I worried. But then I joined my school's Campus Cursive, a branch of the organization More Love Letters. Then I got the idea to send the letters to my aunt. I asked my dad for her address and was relieved when he told it to me. I submitted a request for my aunt to receive a love bundle. It would contain anywhere from 5-10 letters. The day after I submitted it, I wrote my own letter to my aunt. I wanted to tell her things I couldn't say anonymously. I asked her for a letter back, if she wanted to, because I loved mail.

A few days ago, my dad gave me my aunt's phone number. Told me to call her because she wanted to give me her secret ingredient for her lasagna (which is delicious, by the way).

Today, after a long day of sitting in a class to get a lifeguard certificate, I checked my mail and got a reply from my aunt. I read it and was overwhelmed. I didn't care it took me a while to decipher her handwriting. I got a letter from her. And in that letter I felt the love from her. I called her up a little while later. We ended up talking for a while. I loved it.

She had gotten my letter, she said, and it had made her day.

She told me she had received the letters from Campus Cursive, and she sat in her car and cried tears of joy. She couldn't even drive.

She showed it to a friend of hers, and that friend started crying.

She told her pastor about me and the writers of the bundles of letter she had gotten, and her pastor said, "There needs to be more people like her and her friends."

She was talking to my dad minutes before I called her and told him about the letters. He asked her how many she had gotten and she said eight. My dad joked with her and said, "I don't even have eight friends!" She replied, "Neither do I, and that's why I cried!"

And while she was telling me this, I had to keep myself from crying. I had made my aunt's day, and I got to talk to her and have this moment with her. This is the power of writing. This is the power of handwritten letters. To show people that in this digital world, they are still loved and that somewhere out there, someone is thinking of them.

Moral of the story is: check out More Love Letters. Join them in their campaign to write more letters. You want something that isn't a text or an email. There's something touching about receiving a letter in the mail. Write a letter for them. If you're a university (or high school student, although this is significantly rarer), check out their website to see if there's a chapter near you. Join it. Make someone else's day and have a story like mine. Write letters and spread love.

Innovation Roadmap #13

Recommendation

[rek-uh­-men-dey-shuh-n]

Noun

1. An act of recommending

2. A letter or the like recommending a person or thing

3. Representation in favor of a person or thing

4. Anything that serves to recommend a person or thing, or induce acceptance or favor

TOPIC: Recommendations for the class

One of the things I remember talking about with someone in the class was how difficult it was to get 10 different problem statements/opportunity statements down that related to something we were passionate about. Maybe we just weren’t passionate about a lot of things. Or maybe we are passionate about something, and we just haven’t found that something yet. In another class that may have a few upperclassmen, this may not be a problem (or maybe it is. Peoples’ interest changes all the time, after all). But in a class of freshmen, who may or may not know what they’re doing? It’s very hard. I remember sitting down to that assignment and thinking, “Aw, crap, what am I going to write?” I’m only just getting into linguistics as a field and I’m not fully aware of all the problems in Japanese. I think a few of those problems were ones I came up with that I didn’t really feel passionate about. I’d recommend moving it from 10 problems (what it says on the syllabus) to 7 or 8 (what was said in class the week before the assignment was due).

The blogs are actually super helpful, so I’d recommend continuing them. It makes students think about topics they may not necessarily think too deeply on. I really enjoyed writing my thoughts down for this class. I don’t do it enough in a personal diary, so writing it in a blog very much helped with that.

More guest speakers would be nice, especially guest speakers from previous classes. In my mind, when it’s guest speakers from businesses, they are inspirational, but it’s sometimes hard to connect their failures with the current success because we only see the success. It’s the same way with many of the prominent figures today. A lot of the time, the success is only focused on, not the past and the failures, to the point where it’s possible to have the person seen as always successful. I believe that by having people who are currently living through their own roadmap and making it happen, the students in the class will see how this class impacted previous students. I really enjoyed the two visiting that one class. It may also be helpful having alumni from that class (I don’t think there are any yet but when it happens) visit and talk about it. It makes the speaker much more believable when there’s a common ground between the speaker and audience. They can claim having taken the class and struggled. Give tips on finding passions and connecting to mentors. Give tips on picking classes and engagements. And finally, give tips on how to proceed with their roadmap. Quite possibly, explain how it’s helped them! If a concrete example can be given, I may have been more inclined to believe earlier in the year that this would look good on a resume.

One last thing I have to add is it may be helpful dividing people into their own sections. The medicine people go together, physical exercise people go together, and so on. This was inspired by the one time we did this in class and the idea of being split into general groups for the April 24^th even so that we can meet others who are pursuing the same thing we are. The only thing I can see wrong with this is what was a little wrong with the one time it happened in class. No one knows how to help each other with their problem statements. It may have been because we’re not aware of what’s happening on campus, as freshmen. I have no doubt that if people knew about ways to get involved, it would really help others.

Innovations Roadmap #12

Reflection [ri-flek-shuh n]

Noun

1. The act of reflecting or the state of being reflected

2. An image; representation; counterpart

3. A fixing of the thoughts on something; careful consideration

4. A thought occurring in consideration or meditation

5. An unfavorable remark or observation

TOPIC: Reflection on the Innovation Scholar roadmap course.

I’ve had many ups and downs with this class.

I wasn’t particularly pleased with how early this class was. Getting up really at 7:30, then having to think about how I want to make an impact in a field at 8:30 when all I’d rather think about is taking a nap is really hard. If the Honors college wants to keep going with having this as a part of the CORE experience (or part of the Honors curriculum in general), I’d definitely recommend moving it back. Yes, it’s in our dorms. That does not mean we’re okay with waking up at 7 or 7:30 to go to a class.

That aside, I think taking the Innovation Scholars course was really beneficial for me. I found out I like psychology a lot more than I thought. Being in this class helped me connect my desire to help people with a passion of mine, and to use that passion in a way I hadn’t thought possible. Knitting is no longer just your grandmother’s hobby. It can be used for so many things. Without this class, I would not have started looking for how this hobby I started as a bored 12-year-old could help me as a stressed-out college student and help others from all walks of life.

At the same time, pursing this put me in situation I did not like much. I found myself comparing my problem statement with others. The examples brought up in class were science or something mechanical, and that made me think, “My problem is not good enough because it’s not trying to solve some big problem that’ll actually do something really cool.” I’ve had this problem outside of this class, where the Honors college focuses really heavily on the sciences. This just helped increase my insecurity about what I want to do. I feel like I should be doing something that’s really going to make an impact, but all I want to do is help people without having to rely on all the fancy gadgets. I think if I had heard a wider variety of problem statements, I would not have become insecure and struggled so much with coming up with a problem or finding a mentor.

I did appreciate a lot of the advice given. There was something very true about it, yet the way it was pushed made me cringe away from it. I’d love to try all these things. I’d drop out of college if I knew I could afford it because it stresses me out more than it should and keeps me from doing what I’d much rather be doing. But I can’t. The root to all these problems? Money. Don’t have the money to do anything. I have written a lot of the advice down, though. The reason I did this is to make my college experience the best it can be, despite how miserable school makes me. I think something to watch out for is saying “you have to do something, you have to make an impact” over and over in classes because I’m just a freshman. I’m still trying to adjust to living away from home, making friends outside of my dorm, dealing with the insane amount of homework my teachers give (do they give a lot because they think their class is the only one?), and on top of homework, making sure I’m getting enough sleep and taking care of myself.  The concept of trying to make a change in four years or advance something can be terrifying.

I really enjoyed the back and forth conversations in the class. I think if it weren’t so early, I would have participated more. I liked the brainstorming. The best part of this class is identifying a passion that you may want to pursue later. I liked finding out more about myself and about the people around me. It’s nice to see people who are passionate about something. I was talking to Kris the other day, and for the first time, I heard someone else say they were really looking forward to pursuing their problem statement. For those who actually care, they can get a lot out of this course. They can do collaborations, too, if they can find it. Not everyone’s going to follow through, I’m sure of it. Very few people might. However, finding something I’m passionate about, finding others who are passionate about something, and finding people who are willing to support you is something I’ve gotten out of this class. It was really a great and interesting class, and in the end, I’ll say I’m not unhappy about taking the Innovations Scholars class. I’m not thrilled, but I’m not unhappy. This is a great class.