When is it Okay to Tell Someone to Stop Being Too Much of Something?

It's been a bad week for me. On Wednesday, after having a long day, I found out a good friend got fired from his job. He was, truthfully, one of the few people whose company I genuinely enjoyed at this job, with its long nights and hardships. He said that essentially it summed up to him being "too trusting" of people. Like that's a bad thing? So after this, trying to console our good friend about this friend being fired, and a sexist remark from another mutual friend that left me fuming, I went to bed early instead of trying to study.

Then Thursday, my supervisor made a remark about the events of Wednesday night about how she would've just gone back to her room instead of trying to help this friend through the news. My jaw almost dropped. I had to serve two roles Wednesday night almost simultaneously. Not only is that going against what my job description is, that is rude and disrespectful as a friend. So I ended up being mad at my supervisor. I'm still mad at her. I went back to my room so I could focus on studying for a test on Tuesday when I came across two of my co-workers in the hall. They asked me to swipe them into the key room so that one of them could get back into her room because she forgot her keys. So I did, and asked the one who didn't forget her keys, "Why didn't you just go back to your room? It's right down the hall."

"Oh, you happened to be coming down the hall so I decided to ask you!" she replied. I sighed and rolled my eyes. The next thing she said touched a nerve, especially in light of the previous night's events.

"You're too reliable. You should stop so people don't keep asking you for things."

I didn't really reply back. Gave a noncommittal response that may have been a small laugh before going upstairs to where I live. It really bothered me, that remark. I like to think one of my good points is being reliable. It's something I'm both proud and angry of being, but I'm more proud than anything. So that remark felt like a personal attack. It came too close to my friend being "too trusting."

Since when is being "too much" of something a bad thing?

College Bucket List

One of my friends in from my floor last year created a "college bucket list" club, or something similar. This got me started on what I wanted to do before I graduate college. The first year, I had no aspirations of doing much besides surviving. But now, I want to do things. I want to know what Utah and life has to offer me, a college student looking for where she belongs in the world.

Here's my college bucket list + the reasons.

1. Go rafting. I've had two people in the past month say they've gone rafting were going to go but work got in the way. And it sounds like a fun thing to do. Plus, who doesn't want to raft down a cold river in the middle of summer with a bunch of friends (and likely get a tan?).

2. Go kayaking. Same reasons as above. Different friends, but people have said it. I think it'd be a whole lot of fun. MORE WATER. Also, with friends, in summer.

3. Swim in a lake. This is on my actual bucket list too. I want to jump into a lake and just swim around in it. Not like Lake Mead. Lake Mead is nasty. Nah, I want a nice lake. And it's more reasons for me not to wear my one-piece swimsuit. That's why I haven't gone swimsuit shopping in forever for a new bikini. I don't ever use one and I want an excuse to use one.

4. Road trip with friends. To the beach. BECAUSE WHO DOESN'T LOVE THE BEACH?! Also: it's probably way nicer to be on the beach in California than up in the mountains in Utah.

This is actually Myrtle Beach in SC. Whatever. It's a beach.

5. Road trip with friends. To wherever. I just want to road trip with friends. Throw all our crap into a car and drive wherever strikes our fancy. I kinda want to go north. Probably Seattle or Portland or someplace. So northwest? Anyway. Road. Trip. Anywhere.

5. Attend concerts. Salt Lake's small, but it's got good concerts. Maybe I'll attend more now that I live here. Only problem? Car. I don't have one.

6. Visit Japan on a study abroad/internship. I'm going through some hardcore nostalgia. I just want to go back to Japan by any means necessary. Study abroad, internship, living with my grandmother, you name it. I will take any way to get back there.

7. Learn how to dance. Okay, so this was a goal of mine at the beginning of summer. That, be more social, and speak Japanese more. It's still a goal. I signed up for a modern dance class for the fall and I think I'll take a ballet class in the spring (and one of my friends may take it with me!). If I like either enough, I'll keep going with it.

8. Improve my times in swimming. Right now, my times for a 50yd free is about 40 seconds and about 1:30 for 100yds. I know I can swim about 600yds in 10-11 minutes. I want my 50yd to go down to about 30 and my 100 to maybe 1:00 or 1:10. I also want to swim a faster breaststroke.

9. Be social. And by this, I mean navigate social situations appropriately. Not feel awkward when I first meet people.

10. Work on strengthening my friendships. I have more friends than I did in high school, which is a success. But I want to be able to concentrate on keeping the high school friendships I had and on strengthening the ones I made in college. That'll be kinda difficult because everyone will be so busy in the fall, so the likelihood of me seeing them often is low. But that's what facebook is for, right? Sending messages to people, asking how they've been? ...Just got to get over my fear of messaging people on facebook.

11. Drive to Moab and do something fun there. Like a hike. I hear Moab is a beautiful place and I really, really want to go. I'd likely go for hiking, but there's kayaking too, so that's also an option.

12. Climb Lisa Falls again WITHOUT panicking. I climbed Lisa Falls earlier this summer with a bunch of friends. The places I got hit the worst still have marks. The reason I panicked? I'm bad with heights and I was not expecting bouldering. Next time, though, I know what to look out for and I'll swallow my fear of heights to go. That was gorgeous.

13. Play zombie tag dressed as a survivor or a zombie. I've played the university's zombie tag both times. The first time I stopped playing halfway through because I skinned my leg and my elbow. Also: knee brace was present. Fantastic. The second time, I became a zombie. That was the day I decided to dress up because why not. It's fun to dress up. I want others to do this with me. It'd be so fun to have a group of friends go all L4D or something at a game.

Organization

My planner that I've been using for the past year runs out this week. Most of the planners I've found (and liked) don't start until August. So, basically, I'm stuck using a little notebook as my planner. Not that I'm complaining. I got the chance to split everything into four sections and now everything's neatly organized. Well, as neatly organized as it can be. There's still quite a bit of mess in there.

I've got a neat little thing to help me figure out which credits I still need to take to graduate. Let me tell you, that was frustrating because I had to look up classes and figure out what sounded interesting and what didn't. I'm still hoping to take the classes that'll help me teach ESL, but if that doesn't work, I'm not crushed. I can still take sociolinguistics, which is awesome. I cannot say the same for my Japanese major, though. The classes I do want to take haven't been listed in the past two years. Which upsets me because they say, "You can take classes from this list!" but only two of them are actually up there. What the heck, school. What. The. Heck.

And in addition to all of this, I finally created a facebook page for my shop. I didn't tell you I had a shop? Here it is! I created the facebook page to take commissions, too. Any kind of commission is going to help me at this point. I really, really need commissions. Basically, I need money. I'm starting to develop an interest in too many things and my income is not supporting it. Especially since two of them (a 3DS and a camera) do not come cheap. I have a rule where I don't buy a new game system until my old one is completely trashed and inoperable, but I haven't touched my DS Lite in forever. Yeah, I'm that far behind in the DS systems. The 3DS I'm eyeing, though, is a steal. I'm tempted to alert the person and tell them I'll take it, but they have to mail it to me. I'm also 100% willing to pay for shipping because that person lives past Provo and I don't have a car. The camera is my roommate's. I'm probably also going to buy all the accessories she has with it, if that's included. I just have to see what she has. I know for a fact I want the lenses.

I also created another blog for my hobbies! So this blog will exclusively be for my thoughts and little updates. The other blog is called Penumbra. There isn't much on there, but it'll come together and highlight my artsy pursuits.

Introspection

So today was a frisbee today. Every Friday! And I actually got beat today. First time I took that many hits in one game. I ended up getting hit in the head with the frisbee (because my own teammate kicked it and it hit me) and I ran into someone while trying to block. That guy was dense. Hitting him was like hitting a stone wall. I've been limping around because my left leg hurts and I know I'm going to get a bruise later. I've run into/been tackled by two guys before, but this was something else. However, it was fun. I pushed myself past what I thought possible (running on my hurt leg) every once in a while. Today is the day I've been doing what I didn't think I could do.

I went grocery shopping with Jonathan because I needed to pick up more granola bars and Gatorade for when I decided to pull a swimming-then-frisbee day. And I actually got to articulate my thoughts.

I found that how I interact with specific people will depend on the situation I first meet them. If I talk to people and the situation is uncomfortable, I'm less likely to try talking to them again. But if it's a good environment and it's easy for me to talk to them, I'm more likely to talk to them and consider them a friend. I told Jonathan that I have horrible social skills- something he never would've suspected because I'm talkative. The thing is, I'm shy with people I don't know. Once I get to know a person, I become loud and friendly. I told him I'm almost positive the frisbee guys are helping me be more outgoing. There were a few people I likely would've never bothered to talk to if it hadn't been for frisbee because they weren't the people I would've talked to normally.

Here's a funny story: Apparently, usually when a girl's invited, she comes, sees there are no other girls, then don't show up again. He expected the same from me. Show up, never show up again. It was a surprise to him I kept coming back. (Honestly, I've hung out with guys a lot. I like hanging out with guys.) And according to Jonathan, it's not me that looks scary. I've get this aura about me that is scary. Which rocks in a variety of situations.

For the longest time, I've held the belief I'm an unlikeable person. Whenever I express surprise that someone likes me, it's genuine surprise. But I'm starting to feel more and more accepted. First with my dorm friends, now with the frisbee guys. Here's a situation: A week or two ago, Jonathan had said we were going to split up into teams without flipping (flipping is the usual method of picking teams). The team of four got me, then there was a team of five. One of the guys, Forrest, said, "Pft, no, I want to be on Jess' team." Which made me think, "Wait, why? I can't do anything!" But in retrospect, I liked that, because it made me feel like I was likeable even though I sucked. I don't really suck at frisbee. I'm a decent defender. But when you've had low self-esteem for a long time, it's hard to think, "Hey, people like me!"

When I mentioned all this to Jonathan, he was surprised. He didn't know that the frisbee club could have that kind of impact on someone. It has on me. As I mentioned in this post, I hate missing frisbee. Not only does it help me release a lot of accumulated nervous energy and a lot of accumulated anxiety, but it and the people help me a lot.

I'm really grateful I'm going to university where I am. I've met a ton of people who are helping me get over my fears and anxieties, even if they don't know it. I'm extremely grateful to everyone I've met. I may not have the widest social circle, but the social circles I do go among are the best ones I could ask for. A big thank you to them for doing so much, even if you aren't aware of it. All of my dorms friends, lifeguarding coworkers, and frisbee buddies. They're all awesome.

Innovations Roadmap #7

Major [mey-jer]

Noun

1. A subject or field of study chosen by a student to represent his or her principal interest and upon which a large share of his or her efforts are concentrated.

2. A student engaged in such study

TOPIC: What is your major and why did you pick it?

I am a double major in Japanese and linguistics, TESOL track. I usually do not specify which track of linguistics I’m taking, because most people I’ve met either 1) don’t care or 2) don’t know what TESOL is and kind of nod and say, “Oh, that’s nice!” There are a few who are thinking, “Hey, that’s awesome! And interesting! Why did you pick those two majors?”

I picked Japanese because I’m very passionate about the culture, history, and language of Japan, and I always take care to stress this. I’ve had negative experiences before when I said my major was Japanese in high school. For some reason, everyone immediately thought I was into Japanese because of the anime. I have a much stronger reason for studying Japanese. I want to be able to talk to the Japanese side of my family. One of the things on my bucket list is to live in Japan, and I don’t want to seem like I’m a Westerner whose only knowledge of Japan comes from anime. I have a huge respect for Japan. By being a Japanese major, I can study more about the culture, language, and history and find a greater appreciation for it. I’ve been to Japan a few times, usually to visit family, and each time I go, I find something else beautiful about this country. I’ve been to Kanazawa several times and there’s always a trip to the Kenrokuen, one of the three great gardens of Japan. I found a statue I hadn’t seen before.

Kenrokuen Gardens. One of my better pictures.

My last trip to Japan was two years ago. I organized where I wanted to go based on the history of certain cities. Hiroshima, Kyoto, and Nara were the three new cities I went to for the history and the temples. Seeing these beautiful places and how they’re preserved inspired awe. I also went to visit my family and friends in Toyama, Osaka, Tokyo, and Kanazawa. I became painfully aware that I could not let my mom translate everything for me. I wanted to be able to talk to my family and friends myself. There was this sense of connection I wanted with them. It was during this last trip when I decided I wanted to be a Japanese major in college, so I could study Japan and find new things to enjoy whenever I go back. I wanted to be able to pursue my knowledge of the language so I could talk to my family, but also to study Japan’s rich history and culture.

Genbaku Dome in Hiroshima

Kinkakuji in Kyoto

Suzaku-mon in Nara

Kaminari-mon in Asakusa (Tokyo)

I think I forgot to mention the food is delicious. I love the food, too.

My interest in linguistics likely starts with my first Japanese teacher. We called her Q-sensei. She left my school because she got a new teaching position that had to do with teaching special needs children speech. She’d tell us about this sometimes, when we asked why she looked so tired. Her talking about it planted the seeds. As time passed, I began to think more and more about language acquisition, particularly in adults. I already knew babies were capable of all sounds up until a little less than a year old, but I wanted to know how to teach adults a second language. My interested in ESL education must be from my mother and a group of family friends in Florida. The mothers of my close group of friends were all Japanese. They learned English as a second language. They used to joke about how I should learn Japanese, because they would inevitably revert back to Japanese when they became grandmas. This got me thinking. How did adults learn a second language? What does their brain do?

I never, ever would have picked the linguistics major at the University of Utah if it did not offer the TESOL track. If it were just linguistics and the study of, I would have stuck with Japanese and found myself another major to pair it with. But the U did have TESOL- Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages- and I thought, “That’s it, I’m a linguistics major.” I want to teach English. I’m doing volunteer work teaching English to refugees, but I want to be able to do it in a classroom setting, with late teens to early adults, and possibly even adults. I would never have been a linguistics major if that separate track did not exist. I probably would’ve been a Chinese or psychology major. That’s going to be an entirely different story, though. For now, I’m proud of being a Japanese and linguistics double major because it’s something that I’m curious and connected to. 

Innovations Roadmap #1

Innovation [in-uh-vey-shunn]

Noun

1. Something new or different introduced: numerous innovations in the high-school curriculum

2. The act of innovating; introduction of new things or methods

(Definition courtesy of dictionary.com)

Topic: How can Innovation play a part in your campus experience?

One of the first things people on just about any college campus will tell you is that college is a place to find yourself. That’s partially the point of me taking the Innovations Roadmap class. This class is identifying a passion and running with it. How can you make a difference in your community, whether it be the close-knit community you grew up in or the global community. It can also be for the college campus. I can’t tell you how often I heard, “college is like an overly large smorgasbord.” They tell you to try bits of everything. In this way, innovation works into the college campus. You can try everything. You can make your college experience personal. By identifying what you like to do, you can come up with a hundred different ideas to make your experience unique. What’s that? You want to join a think tank? Go do it! You want to join a club? There are plenty out there, each with their own missions. You don’t want to do any of the options available and want to make up your own club or solve a problem or volunteer? No one’s stopping you!

My first college football game. No one stopped me from going. It was fun, I discovered.

Innovation is going to play a huge role for me on campus. First off, I don’t like going to campus activities because it’s always at an inconvenient time (way to go, programmers, for putting the events at night! Not all of us are night owls!). Secondly, it’s the same thing over and over again. If I wanted to jump up and down in time with the music, I’d do it in my dorm so I didn’t have to awkwardly bump into someone else. Third, most clubs I’ve looked at aren’t particularly matched with my interests.

I sat down to think a bit. What am I doing wrong? Everyone’s told me to try everything college has to offer, but I don’t like what college has to offer. It clashes with my personality. A way I’ll be able to enjoy what college has on my own terms is coming up with new ideas using my interests. For example, I noted the lack of a knitting or crocheting club. It should come to no surprise that I looked for this club. While not a community knitter/crocheter, I decided that the company of others and the possibility to discuss life while knitting/crocheting would be beneficial to me. After all, I can make friends! Isn’t that what people have been telling me about college? Go make new friends, because you’ll have them for the rest of your life? I decided to create one a few months ago. My only problem is time, school, organization, members, recruitment… However, with innovation, I can decide my plan of action. I can create this unique college experience for myself.

(From colgateconnect.org)

In addition to the calls of “enjoy everything college has to offer,” the warnings of “do NOT pigeonhole yourself and focus on one track” ring loud in my mind. I’ve had at least two teachers preach this to me. They say something similar to “don’t try to get out of college in 4 years or less. Enjoy college!” This sentiment has actually given me a panic idea. The teachers seem to be warning against deciding on what you want to do too quickly because otherwise you’ll make yourself miserable, or something similar to this. I know what to do with myself, but at the exact same time, I don’t know what to do with myself. I know what I want to do with myself. Following this warning, though, it seems like I’m not going to enjoy life and find myself as much as I should. Innovation, as a result, will allow me to explore my interests more deeply while still allowing me to pursue my major. If used as a method of exploration, innovation will allow me to take classes I find enjoyable while finding new pieces of information.

Innovation allows me to take what I think is a problem- the lack of suitable activities on campus- and my interests to find a solution to this problem. Maybe, at the end of my college years, I can look back on it and think, “Hey, I loved this!” Innovating is not only solving problems, but discovering yourself. I think that’s what I need to do.  I need to discover myself in college. Innovating will play a large part in my campus experience because I want a way to feel more comfortable on campus, so I’ve got to make up that way, all while finding myself. It sounds tough, but I think I can do it.