It will be a busy weekend

HELLO HELLO EVERYBODY. I'm going to quickly update you on how crazy my weekend is going to be before I head to bed!

So, what's happening tomorrow is I get to wake up early (7-ish) and get ready for my day. Then I get to go bouldering at the brand new facility with a friend, and then I work shortly after! And then we've got to move the bulkhead... I hate moving it. It takes so much time. But then after, I get to relax. Play some video games. Be a little productive. You know, those things. And on Sunday, I wake up at 8-ish, then work as a manager until 4, and then quickly do laundry, talk to the wonderful Nate, and make myself some food. And prepare food for Monday because I'm going to see if I can get Monday-Thursday to be my "early days" (Monday is a bit of an ease-in for Tuesday-Thursday).

I can't wait until next weekend. I can sleep in more.... I'm so tired and I just want to curl up in bed with absolutely nothing to do but play video games. Unfortunately that's not going to happen anytime soon!

Trips Galore!

Sorry! Life has been kind of hectic. For two weeks I was in Japan, and then I've been at home being social. Okay, not really. It actually kind of slipped my mind to update this blog once I got home because I've been working on my dad's blanket like there's no tomorrow. Because I want this done. And it is almost done! I'm really happy about it. It's been a lot of sweat and tears, to be honest. Then I just need to pretty it up some and it'll be good to go. Not that it'll do him much good in Hawaii where he's being transferred for his job. Just a bit too late... Oops.

But yeah! I went to Japan for two weeks and had a ton of fun! Lots of stories and pictures I need to share, as well as the WIP I started while waiting for my plane. I discovered I actually get nervous during landing/takeoff. Why? Don't know. But it turns out knitting/crocheting helps me calm down and takes my mind off of it, so I worked on that a lot. Stay tuned for the batch of photos of my Japan trip! It's going to be a multi-parter.

I'm also going to Disney Land and California Adventure this weekend! It's my roommate's birthday present for me. Admittedly, she has some ulterior motive (she's never been to Disney Land, only Magic Kingdom), so it works out for all of us. There's likely to be pictures of that, too.

When is it Okay to Tell Someone to Stop Being Too Much of Something?

It's been a bad week for me. On Wednesday, after having a long day, I found out a good friend got fired from his job. He was, truthfully, one of the few people whose company I genuinely enjoyed at this job, with its long nights and hardships. He said that essentially it summed up to him being "too trusting" of people. Like that's a bad thing? So after this, trying to console our good friend about this friend being fired, and a sexist remark from another mutual friend that left me fuming, I went to bed early instead of trying to study.

Then Thursday, my supervisor made a remark about the events of Wednesday night about how she would've just gone back to her room instead of trying to help this friend through the news. My jaw almost dropped. I had to serve two roles Wednesday night almost simultaneously. Not only is that going against what my job description is, that is rude and disrespectful as a friend. So I ended up being mad at my supervisor. I'm still mad at her. I went back to my room so I could focus on studying for a test on Tuesday when I came across two of my co-workers in the hall. They asked me to swipe them into the key room so that one of them could get back into her room because she forgot her keys. So I did, and asked the one who didn't forget her keys, "Why didn't you just go back to your room? It's right down the hall."

"Oh, you happened to be coming down the hall so I decided to ask you!" she replied. I sighed and rolled my eyes. The next thing she said touched a nerve, especially in light of the previous night's events.

"You're too reliable. You should stop so people don't keep asking you for things."

I didn't really reply back. Gave a noncommittal response that may have been a small laugh before going upstairs to where I live. It really bothered me, that remark. I like to think one of my good points is being reliable. It's something I'm both proud and angry of being, but I'm more proud than anything. So that remark felt like a personal attack. It came too close to my friend being "too trusting."

Since when is being "too much" of something a bad thing?

Dreams of Travel

You know the whole nature vs. nurture thing? I wonder about it sometimes. In a post from about two weeks ago, when I talk about swimming, I said I was "born to be a water girl." Honestly, I love the stuff. It's still a goal to swim in a lake and a river. But that's a tangent. Do I love the water so much because I grew up in two states that was surrounded by water on at least three sides? Was it because I was on the swim team for a bit and grew to love that? It was likely caused by my environment, not who I am.

What does this have to do with anything, you ask? Well, I ask because I'm also a traveler. I love to travel, and I get restless if I sit in one place too long without a change of scenery. I can only change my scenery so much without a car. In this situation, my desire to travel was caused by my dad. He took the family places all the times. Canada, Mexico, Japan, the Bahamas, a ton of states. Lots of national parks. And road trips. Those are a blast. I've been traveling since I was a few months old. Now that I'm in college, I don't get to do it often. Poor college kid and all.

First Google image if you type in "poor college student." We get shirts?!

There's something refreshing about hopping in a car and traveling somewhere you've never been. The view outside of the car changes. You blast music- or, in my family's case, Dad picks something to listen to and moves it up to the front of the car so the kids can blast their music with headphones in. You talk and laugh and maybe have a hard time hearing what's being said at the front, and then there's a lot of yelling. You have a map to know where you're going, but maybe something looks interesting so you go there for a bit. Hello, 18-something's town. Then you lose cell service and if you don't have a map, you better hope the one driving wants to stop for directions instead of driving aimlessly.

But that's life, right?

This is what my family does during road trips.

I talked with a friend last night, and we got onto the topic of traveling. I think we both agreed a road trip is a cool thing. I don't actually remember, because I'm running on 4 1/2 hours of sleep and quite a few things have slipped my mind, despite my attention to details. I just remember I said road trips are cool. I recall saying something about how I wanted to road trip somewhere I had never been, to somewhere radically different from where I'd grown up, and take pictures of everything. Document the journey.

I've grown up in suburbia. I can tell you I've seen a lot of concrete and a heck of a lot of water and desert. To me, anything with more than a few trees is green. When my family went on a cross country road trip last year, I stared out the windows a good portion of the trip because there were trees everywhere. We joked, "What is this green stuff at the side of the road?" Then we were up north and there were all those fields, I found it interesting. For a bit. Then I became tired of seeing corn. But plants! Green! Not neon lights and metal and concrete!

WOOOOOO LIGHTS EVERYWHERE. LIGHTS AND IMPORTED FAKE TREES!

Of course, my friend laughed when I said certain places were green to me. He grew up in a place where there was green everywhere. The concept of someplace really green is foreign to me. Maybe, one day, when I have a car and money and can road trip, I'll visit green places like his hometown. I'll visit places with forests and rivers. I won't do urban landscape, oh no. I can do natural landscapes. I've told one of my closest friends that we should do a road trip. It's been a topic half of my friends have been going on about during summer. We keep thinking, "You know what? A road trip would be way fun." We have different destinations in mind, though. One wants to go to San Diego. Another wants to go to another place in California. I want to go northwest- so Washington, Oregon, Idaho. ("Spokane's a nice place," is what my close friend said when I mentioned Washington.) I'd also like to go to the East Coast, but that's more for history interests. Plus, I've been to the East Coast a lot. I want to spend a bit more time exploring the West Coast.

This ties in with something else my friend and I had talked about. Dreams. He had a lot of really cool dreams, but "none of them will come true." That's better than me, I told him. I didn't really have dreams. Then it occurred to me that no, I do have a dream. A dream that'll likely never come true because it's 1) expensive and 2) kind of an all-or-nothing thing.

That dream is to travel the world and take photographs of all of the gorgeous places that exist on our planet.

This is the photo that I claim started it all. An accidental good shot.

I love photography. I'd love to be able to do something with it. But if it doesn't work out, what do I do? Go back to being a linguistics major with no idea what to do with her life? Admittedly, I can probably get to traveling by being an ESL teacher. People want ESL teachers, right? Plus, if I improve my Japanese and learn Chinese and Korean, I can be a translator in those countries. Companies love multi-lingual people, right?

That's probably the one dream I've had for a while, with slight changes. I just wanted to travel the world when I was little. Now, I want to travel the world, see the amazing sights, take photos of those amazing sights. Walk, bike, ride a train, bus, or taxis. I miss trains. That's how I got around in Japan. Good memories. Also one of the only vehicles I can fall asleep in. Taste the food. Soak in the culture. Explore. Get lost. Go on adventures.

College Bucket List

One of my friends in from my floor last year created a "college bucket list" club, or something similar. This got me started on what I wanted to do before I graduate college. The first year, I had no aspirations of doing much besides surviving. But now, I want to do things. I want to know what Utah and life has to offer me, a college student looking for where she belongs in the world.

Here's my college bucket list + the reasons.

1. Go rafting. I've had two people in the past month say they've gone rafting were going to go but work got in the way. And it sounds like a fun thing to do. Plus, who doesn't want to raft down a cold river in the middle of summer with a bunch of friends (and likely get a tan?).

2. Go kayaking. Same reasons as above. Different friends, but people have said it. I think it'd be a whole lot of fun. MORE WATER. Also, with friends, in summer.

3. Swim in a lake. This is on my actual bucket list too. I want to jump into a lake and just swim around in it. Not like Lake Mead. Lake Mead is nasty. Nah, I want a nice lake. And it's more reasons for me not to wear my one-piece swimsuit. That's why I haven't gone swimsuit shopping in forever for a new bikini. I don't ever use one and I want an excuse to use one.

4. Road trip with friends. To the beach. BECAUSE WHO DOESN'T LOVE THE BEACH?! Also: it's probably way nicer to be on the beach in California than up in the mountains in Utah.

This is actually Myrtle Beach in SC. Whatever. It's a beach.

5. Road trip with friends. To wherever. I just want to road trip with friends. Throw all our crap into a car and drive wherever strikes our fancy. I kinda want to go north. Probably Seattle or Portland or someplace. So northwest? Anyway. Road. Trip. Anywhere.

5. Attend concerts. Salt Lake's small, but it's got good concerts. Maybe I'll attend more now that I live here. Only problem? Car. I don't have one.

6. Visit Japan on a study abroad/internship. I'm going through some hardcore nostalgia. I just want to go back to Japan by any means necessary. Study abroad, internship, living with my grandmother, you name it. I will take any way to get back there.

7. Learn how to dance. Okay, so this was a goal of mine at the beginning of summer. That, be more social, and speak Japanese more. It's still a goal. I signed up for a modern dance class for the fall and I think I'll take a ballet class in the spring (and one of my friends may take it with me!). If I like either enough, I'll keep going with it.

8. Improve my times in swimming. Right now, my times for a 50yd free is about 40 seconds and about 1:30 for 100yds. I know I can swim about 600yds in 10-11 minutes. I want my 50yd to go down to about 30 and my 100 to maybe 1:00 or 1:10. I also want to swim a faster breaststroke.

9. Be social. And by this, I mean navigate social situations appropriately. Not feel awkward when I first meet people.

10. Work on strengthening my friendships. I have more friends than I did in high school, which is a success. But I want to be able to concentrate on keeping the high school friendships I had and on strengthening the ones I made in college. That'll be kinda difficult because everyone will be so busy in the fall, so the likelihood of me seeing them often is low. But that's what facebook is for, right? Sending messages to people, asking how they've been? ...Just got to get over my fear of messaging people on facebook.

11. Drive to Moab and do something fun there. Like a hike. I hear Moab is a beautiful place and I really, really want to go. I'd likely go for hiking, but there's kayaking too, so that's also an option.

12. Climb Lisa Falls again WITHOUT panicking. I climbed Lisa Falls earlier this summer with a bunch of friends. The places I got hit the worst still have marks. The reason I panicked? I'm bad with heights and I was not expecting bouldering. Next time, though, I know what to look out for and I'll swallow my fear of heights to go. That was gorgeous.

13. Play zombie tag dressed as a survivor or a zombie. I've played the university's zombie tag both times. The first time I stopped playing halfway through because I skinned my leg and my elbow. Also: knee brace was present. Fantastic. The second time, I became a zombie. That was the day I decided to dress up because why not. It's fun to dress up. I want others to do this with me. It'd be so fun to have a group of friends go all L4D or something at a game.

You Deserve Hapiness

That's what I tell everyone in my letters. I am anonymous. A stranger writing a letter to a stranger, hoping to make their day. I have come to the conclusion that I write these uplifting things for two reasons.

1) These are the things I'd want to hear if I got an anonymous letter.

2) I don't want people to fall into the same feelings I had and keep having.

I don't want others to feel inadequate. I don't want others to feel unloved. I don't want them to feel alone and stressed out. I know what it's like when your brain turns on you and tells you things, true or not. Everyone needs reassurance.

"Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the single candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared." -Buddha

So smile. If you smile, someone else will smile, and that smile will keep spreading. Find your reason to smile. It doesn't have to be extravagant. It can be as simple as a silly picture. Your pet. Nature. The weather. No homework. Doing a hobby that you love. Anything. Keep that reason with you all day. When you feel like you're going down, bring that reason to the surface and smile.

Love yourself. It's the most important thing you can do.

Summer must be the time for change

I've recently started wanting to do a lot of things I never had the desire (or strong desire) to do before. 

Learn to dance.

Go hiking.

Hang out with friends.

Is it because I've got a ton of free time now? No restraints? Or is it because I've got great friends who are willing to do these things with me?

My friends from my dorm last year showed compassion and kindness when I had my problem back in... January? February? It seems like ages ago, truthfully. They showed they cared. That I could confide in others. It's okay to.

After saying "pft, nah, I'm too tired" several times during spring, I finally went to the frisbee club on campus for summer. Why did I say I was too tired? I had played volleyball just before it. And sometimes, I just didn't feel it. But I finally went, because I had free time and I was curious. I warned my friend and those there, "I can't throw. I can kind of catch. Not sure how much help I'll be." They said it's okay. I had such a blast that first day I went back. And kept going back, every Friday and Sunday, because the people there- those I already know and the people I don't- are cool. They're a community. 

One day we played in the rain. It was awesome. Also, it was cold. But mostly awesome.

The people in frisbee helped bring out the extrovert in me, I'm almost positive. That first day, I spoke to complete strangers with ease. That rarely happens. I'm proving myself and I don't need to put forth effort. It just happens. I showed I'm tough. It came from playing with no one but boys for three years. I was a tomboy and still kind of am. I can take a hit. Take karate for 4+ years with nothing but guys (there was a girl  for a few months every once in a while), and you learn to take a hit fast. I gained a reputation in my karate class for being a fierce grappler. It got to the point where no one would want to spar or grapple with me. I've also got a mean kick. Two of the funniest moments I remember was caused by three people- me, my brother, and a guy named Tyler. I'll elaborate on that some time.

That was a tangent. Point is, the frisbee guys make me feel at ease and make me feel that I can be myself. For once, I don't feel bad I look scary (that's another story). It helps in frisbee. And so does perseverance. Let me tell you, frisbee helps me burn off a lot of extra energy. A few times, I've gone swimming just before frisbee and still had the energy to run around, block, and yell. I've got a lot of energy these days, and I've got an acceptable medium to use it. To tell the truth, I look forward to frisbee every week. I'm hate missing it. The one time I thought I'd miss it because of work and a photography assignment, I expressed my dislike of it to Jonathan (the aforementioned friend). Turns out I didn't miss it because not enough people could come to my photography assignment. Doesn't matter, because everyone at frisbee is an awesome subject.

As for hiking... That came out with my dorm friends from last year. Our friend was going on a mission and we decided to go on a hike. I deliberately did not ask how difficult it was, because if I knew, I would've balked. It's a good thing I didn't ask. We were climbing, not hiking. I'd never gone on a hike before. I also have a fear of heights in certain situations, and that was one of those situations. After telling my friends, they helped me up the mountain, then back down. I got scratched up, abused by rocks, and felt sick several times, but I made it. 

And it was amazing.

I hated hiking. Now, as long as I'm with friends, it's enjoyable. I'm not going to go on that particular hike within the next month or so (I couldn't swim for a week, everything was sore), I'm willing to go with people when they say, "Hey, I'm going on a hike." I find I want to start a group hike. I'm actually going to go on a sunset hike a little later. I actually started this one.

All this leads me to think... I'm going to be a Resident Adviser for first year Honors students in a few months. A couple of months ago, I kept joking, "I'm going to be the worst RA, I'm so shy, I hate meeting new people and talking to people," and so on. Now, I feel like I can be a good RA. I'm willing to meet new people, willing to talk. Good timing, am I right? 

Summer must be the time for change. I feel good about myself. I feel like me. I can express myself and for every person that doesn't like me, I've someone who does. 

It's an awesome feeling.

Does anyone ever get those thoughts...

Where you instantly feel bad thinking about them? I've been doing that recently. With quite a few thoughts. It leaves me conflicted someones, until I shove it away and focus on school or hanging out with friends. Anything to take my mind off of those thoughts.

To Write or Not to Write

That's fairly stupid question, because the answer will always be "to write," unless you worked, then swam for an hour, then ran around chasing a frisbee for two and a half hours. Quite frankly, I'm tired. I really want to write, but I'm not feeling it. I'm inspired, but it's too much effort to move pen across paper. It's too much effort to even word vomit. It's kind of sad, because I really want to finish this story. I am almost done with it. But I've got no inspiration. I just want to sit at my computer and watch funny shows all night.

Running on something

I'm 90% positive I'm running off of some hidden reserve of energy. After getting back from three hours of roller blading, bounce housing, and climbing through a jungle gym (once in a speed run), I was still awake and active enough to do random dancing in my apartment. Then go get frozen yogurt. And I'm still running off of something. I'm going to crash so hard tomorrow, and I've got work tomorrow. I'll survive. I may be running off of the energy of wanting to do something. I want to swim, I want to play frisbee, I want to play volleyball. I want to do something active. I want to socialize. Yet I haven't, so I'm sitting here trying to find something productive to do and it's coming out in the oddest ways.

In a Rut

There are times when I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. It's probably been more prominent this semester, as it ends, then ever. I'm taking several classes that are forcing me to think about my perspective of life or life in general. I'm not huge on thinking of it all at the same time. I've already got a ton of stress in my life. Why do I need more?

One class- I believe my American Institutions class- mentioned how holding a college degree is becoming so common that it's expected. It used to be something that would get you ahead in life. Now... Now what? A lot of people hold a college degree; so what? What makes me special? Nothing. I'm not going to hold some amazing helpful degree that'll make me shine. I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like I'm not enjoying college as much as I should be. I want to do what I want, but everything else is demanding my attention. I can't do what I want. College is not what people are telling me it is.

There was something else we discussed in that class. My teacher wondered why we weren't willing to take risks or branch out. My thoughts about it is that I can't. My dad wants me to get through college in four years. I cannot tell you how often I've heard "make sure it's relevant. You can't waste time." In addition, it's also because I've had support my whole life. I'm afraid of losing everything and not finding a place for me again. I can't tell you how often I've had a day dream about dropping out of college and travelling. I want to take pictures. Enjoy the simplicity of nature and life without school. That's all my life's been based on. School. and I can't define myself outside of it. Everything's... school. I want a life outside of it. Now that I think about it, I'm wondering about what I want to do in life. Be a teacher. More school? Is that how prominent it is in my life? Is it because I truly enjoy teaching or is it because I can't separate myself from the school environment?

I wish I could make a living for myself off of artsy things. Crocheting, knitting, photography. But I can't. And I'm not sure if it's because I've been so trained to think I can't or because I used to think I could but reality hit me hard and all my optimism about anything has been taken away from me. I feel like it's both. 

In the love letters I write to strangers, I constantly say, "Don't let the world make you hard." And I realized I'm saying a lot of things to these strangers that I don't follow myself. I think, I'm too far gone. It's already happened to me. All these things have passed me by. I tell these people these things because I don't want it to happen to them. 

I'm young. I should not be this bitter, this angry, this hateful at myself and at other things. 

Lifeguarding

Yesterday, I got my lifeguard certification, and I'm super excited to have that. I might also have a lifeguard job sometime soon, because my instructor approached me and said that if I'm interested we can talk. This takes a load off of my shoulders, because I need a job. Desperately. For summer. I'd rather just focus on my studies and explore, but I need a job. A friend of mine who is a lifeguard at the facility I may work at said it's a pretty safe place. They had to perform one rescue in eight months, and that was because the woman couldn't handle it, despite the fact there were lane lines extremely close on either side of her. I guess that means I don't have to be too worried about performing a deep submerged rescue.

I'm not feeling quite my usual self right now, so this is a quick update. I can be a lifeguard and I may be a lifeguard. Yay, me!

Check out this organization!

I'm going to preface this with a story.

I really love my dad's sister. She's the best aunt ever. The last time I saw her was last summer, on my family's grand American road trip. It was only for a day, for a few hours. But I was so happy to see her. I knew she was sick. It was a kidney problem, I think. She was supposed to get a transplant, but was rejected because her oxygen levels were too low and putting her through the surgery would be risky. My dad told me the doctors gave her 90 days. This was at the beginning of the year, and I freaked out. Internally freaked out. I'm good at hiding my emotions until I'm alone. When I was alone, I cried and cried.

She had told me at the end of December she wanted a scarf to accompany the hat I had made her. I got that done in record time and sent it to her. And for a while, I heard nothing. Not from her, not from my dad. So I worried. But then I joined my school's Campus Cursive, a branch of the organization More Love Letters. Then I got the idea to send the letters to my aunt. I asked my dad for her address and was relieved when he told it to me. I submitted a request for my aunt to receive a love bundle. It would contain anywhere from 5-10 letters. The day after I submitted it, I wrote my own letter to my aunt. I wanted to tell her things I couldn't say anonymously. I asked her for a letter back, if she wanted to, because I loved mail.

A few days ago, my dad gave me my aunt's phone number. Told me to call her because she wanted to give me her secret ingredient for her lasagna (which is delicious, by the way).

Today, after a long day of sitting in a class to get a lifeguard certificate, I checked my mail and got a reply from my aunt. I read it and was overwhelmed. I didn't care it took me a while to decipher her handwriting. I got a letter from her. And in that letter I felt the love from her. I called her up a little while later. We ended up talking for a while. I loved it.

She had gotten my letter, she said, and it had made her day.

She told me she had received the letters from Campus Cursive, and she sat in her car and cried tears of joy. She couldn't even drive.

She showed it to a friend of hers, and that friend started crying.

She told her pastor about me and the writers of the bundles of letter she had gotten, and her pastor said, "There needs to be more people like her and her friends."

She was talking to my dad minutes before I called her and told him about the letters. He asked her how many she had gotten and she said eight. My dad joked with her and said, "I don't even have eight friends!" She replied, "Neither do I, and that's why I cried!"

And while she was telling me this, I had to keep myself from crying. I had made my aunt's day, and I got to talk to her and have this moment with her. This is the power of writing. This is the power of handwritten letters. To show people that in this digital world, they are still loved and that somewhere out there, someone is thinking of them.

Moral of the story is: check out More Love Letters. Join them in their campaign to write more letters. You want something that isn't a text or an email. There's something touching about receiving a letter in the mail. Write a letter for them. If you're a university (or high school student, although this is significantly rarer), check out their website to see if there's a chapter near you. Join it. Make someone else's day and have a story like mine. Write letters and spread love.

Beach Volleyball

Sorry for not posting in a while (aside from school assignments!). School's been kicking my butt, and I've been trying to catch up on all my school work so I don't feel stressed. Kind of successful, I'd say. But I'm sure you don't want to hear me talk about school. Oh, no. I have something better to talk about.

Namely, Easter weekend.

I went over to my friend Maia's house because she and her family dye eggs and hide it for the little kids who are family friends. That was super fun. The two-year-old was especially cute. For dinner, we had a seriously Japanese dinner of tonkatsu and shredded cabbage, but there was also macaroni salad (super delicious) and deviled eggs. Maia and I ate a ton of eggs, then ate some candy. We really love our deviled eggs. I got to help make them! I also learned something: I suck at peeling eggs. I don't know how everyone does it, but it's hard.

On Sunday, Maia really wanted to play volleyball and asked a friend of hers to check if Outdoor Rec had their nets up. They were, and so Maia and I drove to the University to play. We got some friends to come play. I suck at serving with my right hand, but I'm decent with my left. Funny, because I'm not left-handed. I'm a right-handed person. I got some cool action shots of Maia and Narumi playing against two Chinese guys who asked if they could join in. Those two are like a super duo or something. They played really well. They're both good at volleyball. We decided to make this a weekly thing, where Maia comes to the campus to play volleyball. I've decided to join her. Volleyball is the first sport I actually like where running is involved. Some running, anyway. I'm a swimmer, and that doesn't require running at all.

My body is so sore, but it's gratifying. Isn't that odd? I think once you find something you like, the pain-in-the-butt soreness becomes something better. So I think I'll keep playing volleyball and keep swimming. Both of those are sports I enjoy rather immensely. ...Wait until I tell my mom I'm getting into volleyball. She really loves volleyball and would really love that I'm playing it.

A Confession of Sorts

I'm sure you'd much rather hear me talk about my vegetarian 30 day challenge, but this is actually something I want to talk about.

Today, for my Innovations Roadmap class, I had to give a presentation about a problem and how it's connected to me. My problem statement (after my teacher amended it) is "Knitting/crocheting is an undervalued tool in helping with mental disorders." I then had to explain why this was important to me. My teacher stresses that the personal connection is important because you need the connection if you kind of lose track. This was the hardest thing for me to do. I've got the mindset that I need to deal with problems on my own and that no one else cares about it. Telling people why knitting/crocheting and mental health is connected made me extremely nervous.

It didn't help that for the past few weeks, I haven't been feeling very confident in my problem statement and coming up with a 'valid' connection. Today, I got up there and explained why this problem is important to me. I picked up knitting when I was 12 because I was bored. In high school, it morphed into a coping mechanism for stress. I had an on and off relationship with high school. In college, it became the coping mechanism for extreme stress, anxiety, and depression. I am prone to anxiety and stress, so that was nothing new. But there's a unique thing in Utah that I didn't have to experience before.

Snow storms that block out the sky and the sun. Sickening fog that does the same thing. It is entirely possible to not be able to see the sun for a while. I've lived in sunny places for my entire life, with little cloud coverage. There was one week in particular where I didn't see the sun. One whole week without the sun and blue sky. My mood plummeted. That one week, I was seriously depressed, and refused to tell anyone but Nate about it because of the aforementioned reason. I thought I needed to remain strong because society didn't want a weak individual. My self-esteem suffered, my attention span shrunk miserably, and I found it hard to get up in the morning. I starved myself as best as I could without my roommates noticing. I self-harmed a little. I contemplated suicide once or twice because I would've have to deal with all the stress anymore. The thing that kept me from doing anything too distract was knitting. I got lost in it and kept away the 'cycle of rumination.'

I admitted to my Innovations Roadmap class I may have a form of depression called Seasonal Affective Disorder. As the name says, it's seasonal. Mine may occur during winter because of the cloud coverage in Utah. I can't say for a fact that I have this disorder for sure because in order to be diagnosed with it, I need to experience symptoms for two consecutive years. That's the thing with depression. So this disorder, my stress, my anxiety, is my connection to my problem. I admitted this in a wavering voice to the people that lives in the same wing as me. I admitted this after saying last week I was afraid of talking in class because I didn't want to be judged (and be considered weak, hypocrite, that sort of thing).

The response? My teacher said I was brave for admitting this sort of thing.

When I got back to my room, I found nothing but support. Kristan and Olivia who live next door said they liked my presentation, and Kristan offered a solution with Vitamin D pills, which is what the pituitary gland needs and gets from sun exposure. I bought some of those pills while I was at the store earlier and laughed when I saw them called the 'sunshine pill.' They also said I could come over to their room any time and chill with them and bake. It was such a nice offer, because I love baking (and they make good cookies).

Olivia who lives in the same room as me (I'll call her Liv from now on) said I had a good presentation and said her room was a source of free hugs. I'm really glad I met Liv. I value the friendship I have with her. She understands what I'm going through, and told me her coping mechanism is music. And this girl is a wonderful musician. Her songs are great and she's funny and awesome.

Ysa, Lynette, Madeline, and a few others also said "good presentation. That was brave of you."

The positive reception I got made me happy for the rest of the day. It told me I was not alone. It reaffirmed that the people I live with are the best, considerate people I can live with. It took a while for me to find that sense of 'community,' but now that I've found it, I love it. I won't be too nervous speaking to them. I don't feel that insecure. To know I have people I can hang out with... That is important to me. More than most people know. I've been feeling like I didn't have any people I could hang out with easily. This, though, encourages me to be more outgoing with those on my floor, talk, and connect with them more.

To the people on my floor, I am nothing but grateful. Thank you, everyone.

I'm back!

I went MIA for the past week because school is handing me this massive amounts of homework, which I'm responding to with an "I don't care!" That's not the best way to respond, children. Go study.

I finished up a paper for one class and have to work on a presentation for another, in addition to massive amounts of reading from a few other classes. Seventeen credit hours... I'm crazy. I know this. Add my volunteer work (approx. 5 hours a day, twice a week) and social obligations, and I've been swamped. However, I've almost caught up with my work! ...Maybe 'caught up' isn't the best term, because I was never behind to begin with. The more appropriate term would be 'almost finished.' Especially since I'm  knocking out big projects that have been stressing me out.

To deal with the stress and make myself happy again, I've been crocheting. What else would I be doing? Cooking? Yeah, that's not until next Tuesday. I get to make cookies for Nate and send him those, plus another little surprise, for Valentine's Day! No buying chocolate for me! Not until all the chocolate is on sale and I can buy boxes of it to enjoy. But I digress! I've been crocheting away on projects, and I've finished two! Both of them are the blankets for my dogs (mentioned here). I finished the striped blanket an hour ago. I don't have pictures of it as a result. I do have pictures of the star blanket, though.

Caution: staring at the yarn may hurt your eyes.

Now my problem is giving what blanket to which dog! They're both large enough for Chester and likely durable enough to be used in Joey's cage... I guess I'll find out when I go home in March!

I'm very excited to go home in March. It'll be a month away as of Friday. I'm so ready for school to be over. Every student is echoing my sentiments in one way or another.

Time

Recently, I updated my facebook photos to include all the photos of food I've made. I tend to bake a lot, but as you all know, I can cook as well. I've got a few comments saying, "You should make a business with food!" or "I wish my daughter will learn to cook like you one day!" (That last one came from a friend's mother who's known me since I was a kid. It made me giggle.)

And it got me thinking. I'm not too spectacular with food. Everyone who reads my blogs knows that all my recipes (save two) are from other blogs or books. I don't have the time to experiment. Maybe I will, with this new vegetarian diet. Finding ways to adapt meat recipes so that there's vegetables instead of meat. Generally, I don't stray too far from a given recipe. I'm afraid of screwing up and there goes some money that I used to get those ingredients. I can't make a business with food. I'm a very 'by-the-book' cook. I can't stray unless it's for frosting or cake flavor, or something very easy and superficial. I can't make things from scratch!

But no one ever tells me, "You should open a business with crochet/knit." Okay, maybe a few. But they're unicorns, trust me. Like cooking, I'm afraid of straying far from a pattern. My first attempt was an amigurumi of a character from an anime called Umineko no Naku Koro Ni. That turned out a little lopsided.

 Sakutaro. Look at all the beautiful mistakes.

Then, it was a keyhole scarf for charity. I messed up a little on the keyhole, but it worked. I didn't try any free-handing for another year before deciding to mimic a blanket a relative of my dad's made. It doesn't look exact, but looks nice in its own way. Now I'm free-handing amigurumi and blankets and such.

I thought about what makes these two passions of mine so different. Why couldn't I make up a recipe from scratch, but I can make up my own amigurumi pattern and accept it? I attribute it to time. I haven't been cooking long. I really only started in August 2012, when I had two choices: make the long trek up to the cafeteria every single day or cook for myself. Cooking suddenly seemed really appealing, and it eventually developed into something I like doing. But I can't come up with my own recipe because I haven't been doing it long enough to feel comfortable with the foundation. On the other hand, I've been knitting since I was 12 and crocheting since about 14. I got my foundation and I'm ready to build up.

Persevere. Whenever something seems difficult, keep at it. You will become comfortable with it soon, then own it and do whatever you want with it. That's how life works. Build your foundation, then build up. Be content in your own abilities, but work to improve on your base. That's what artists do. That's what musicians do. That's what writers do. Everyone builds up their hobbies that'll eventually become passions. Encouragement from close friends and family helps, but ultimately, it's on what you decide to do over time. Do you continue or stop? Learn, learn, learn. Life is a learning experience.

30 Day Food Challenges

I've decided to try out some different 'diets,' for lack of a better term, over the next few months. Or possibly year. There are a lot of diets I want to try out. For 30 days (or the duration of the month), I've got to stick to that diet. I'll be blogging about my experiences and doing some research into each. At the end of my month, I'll reflect back on how this diet affected me. This will be a very fun thing for me to try! I'm excited to do it.

The diets I've come up with so far are (not in this particular order):

• Pescetarian- vegetarian with the exception of seafood
• Vegetarian
• Vegan
• Gluten-free
• Paleo diet
• Sugar diet (no sugar in the first three ingredients of food-sugar in recipes confined to a maximum of a cup)
• Sugar diet (no sugar whatsoever)

I'm almost positive that the second variation of the sugar diet will kick my butt. Still! It will be fun to try. If I fail, I fail and I'll let readers know. But let's see how this goes, shall we? 

First up, for the month of February: Vegetarian.

Happy birthday!

Today was Nate's birthday. It was a lovely day spent watching the Doctor Who Christmas episode, playing Majora's Mask, eating dinner with his family, and playing Apples to Apples with people who actually have a sense of humor similar to mine.  My family tends to be more realistic. He absolutely loves his gift, a Legend of Zelda scarf from this website. I found it on Ravelry in English. Go check it out!

Speaking of Ravelry, I've added four new projects to work on. They're all blankets because I am in a blanket making mood. Two of them are Portal blankets, one for me, one for Nate. The inspiration is this:

He gets the orange one and I get the blue one. It works out just fine. We both get the colors we want! 

The next blanket is for my mother on her birthday. She loves Donald Duck, so for her, I'm creating the Donald Duck blanket. I figured the catchphrase "oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!" worked much better with this image of Donald than "What's the big idea?" or the angry noises that my mom and I think look something like this: "#!?" And he looks happy! I'm sure she'll love this blanket.

The fourth blanket is for my dad. He loves his Florida Gators. He graduated from the University of Florida, so I figured why not make him a Gators blanket? I used a pixel logo I found on deviantart and made some serious changes to it to make the gator look more realistic. I grew up a Gators fan. That logo looking accurate is insanely important to me partially because of that reason.

Finally home!

I came home to Vegas on the 15th. I had a friend from college stay at my house for the first five days of winter break, and she wanted to go see the Bellagio fountain. So we went to eat at Mon Ami Gabi across the street and got to see the Bellagio fountain that way. Three times. It was pretty cool! But I'd honestly forgotten how bright Vegas is.

My friend left on the 19th. I've really been enjoying my vacation so far. Up until two days ago, it's been a mad rush to finish presents. I finished my aunt's hat and found out she wants a scarf to go with it! I chose Smariek's Triumph Cable Scarf to go with the hat. It works perfectly with the hat, and my aunt will really enjoy it, I think. Then, two days ago, I finished Nate's scarf. He gets it on his birthday in approximately four days. He'll love it. It's six and a half feet long (easily), and he loves long scarves. I think of the three scarves I've made him so far, two of them have been double knit. This is (probably) the best one so far, because I'm combining his love for scarves and his love for Legend of Zelda. I'm rather fond of the pattern, to tell you the truth. It's pretty!

My aunt's hat!

No picture for the scarf yet because Nate does read this and I'm not spoiling it. 

Now I'm finishing a friend's commission. She wanted a shark and gave me the pattern for it. That pattern challenged me by using all sorts of techniques I never thought of using. It looks fine, though! I'm also working on a blanket with the Portal guy on it. I'm only working on the orange portal because I only have one hook of the size I need. It'll be cool when it's finished!