First Day of Classes

Everything is going splendidly. Kind of. I'm trying to access one of my online classes and the class list isn't loading in my Canvas. So I either need to do that after work and class, or I need to call someone and say, "Hey, my classes aren't loading and I need to see my homework for my nutrition class. Thaaaaaanks."

Maybe I need to give it a break. This gives me 40 minutes to screw around until I need to go to work. So I'll spend some of that time eating, some of that time blogging (here I am!) and some of that time getting ready for the first day at my new job at the new building. It's going to be a learning experience.

My only class today is 3 hours long. I love the teacher, but I'm curious to know how I'm going to survive a 3 hour long class. The last time I took one, I was bored I stopped paying attention and played around on my computer. No such luck with this class because the teacher doesn't like people having laptops or cellphones out. Soooo we'll see. I may bring my notebook so I can work on my story if I get too bored. Or I'll doodle in the margins of my notes. Either way, I know my attention is going to wander until I bring in some knitting/crocheting stuff. That usually helps me focus.

New Year, New Job, New Start

Hello, everyone! Sorry about not writing. I got slammed with school, depression and doctors appointments, job, and moving out of my apartment to move back onto my college campus.

It's 2015 and I'm determined to make it a new beginning for me. I've been around some toxic people (which kind of triggered this recent down for depression). I'm determined to stop interacting with the toxic people unless absolutely necessary and to hang out more with the people I consider my friends. Luckily, two live on campus, one lives off-campus but I'm planning on going to use her house more often, and two more live closer to campus but not on campus. Those are the five I feel close to. There are some people who aren't as close but I feel better around them than with the toxic people.

Now why did I say "unless absolutely necessary" instead of keeping it at nothing? The reason is that a majority of these toxic people are at my job. I love this job a lot. Or used to, anyway. Recently, I've been feeling left out of work functions. Everyone gets along but me. And that may be because one of the toxic people in my life is the assistant manager at my job. Everyone is friends with this person. And let me tell you the majority of the people at my job love to gossip. I feel like the assistant manager and these people have been talking about me behind my back. Today, at job training, I found out that at some point everyone planned to go to the pizza place near school. I heard them talking about it, but no one asked me to go or if I had heard about it, and I asked no one because I learned a long time ago not to ask people about invitations because unless I am explicitly invited, I assume my presence is unwanted. I keep trying to reason it out as "no, I was at training for my other new job and they probably planned it while I was at that training. They probably just assumed that I knew I was invited and I assumed I wasn't invited and that's why I didn't go." But at the same time, this tiny voice keeps saying, "No one likes you, that's why they didn't invite you. If they wanted you there, someone would've asked you before everyone left if you were going or texted you and asked you why you weren't there with them." And I want to disprove that voice so badly but I am not on the best terms with these toxic people. The thought popped into my head in the past day or two to maybe quit this job if it doesn't get better. If I continue to feel left out and alone, I need to either take a long break from this job or quit completely. And I don't want to quit, but it may be best for me.

I've got a new job at the same facility as my first job, and this time it's as a facility manager for the building. I'm very excited for it. I get to be very hands-on and get leadership experience and experience managing a large exercise facility. I'm very excited for this facility, not only as an employee, but as a guest. It is brand-new and beautiful. I used it today (employees got to use it first!) and I'm in love with it. I'm excited to do my new exercise thing of weights and swimming and biking and maybe a Latin dance or ballroom class. If I can gain more muscle, I would be grateful. I'm not going to push for it, but if it happens along the way, I'll be happy. But I'm so excited for this new job of mine. The only problem I'll have is not being able to eat during my shifts. My metabolism is kind of fast and I eat smaller meals, so I need to eat relatively frequently. We'll see what happens.

I'm going to create a paper with my resolutions (only two right now) and the reward I'll get for doing those resolutions. They are small and manageable. The first is to write a page a day of a story I'm working on and would like to publish eventually. The second is to stick to my workout schedule. I'm willing to be flexible for that because life happens. I may get sick, my depression may hit again, etc. I just need to roll with it and work with it.

Second-hand excitement

There are quite a few games being released on November, and I've got second-hand excitement for at least three- Dragon Age Inquisition, Pokemon Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire, and Smash Bros for the Wii U. Now, I can't get Smash Bros due to a lack of the Wii U. But I'm still excited because that means I can go to my friend's house and play it. Although that excitement tends to be dampened by the fact I actually get beat very badly against anyone other than AIs.

But the Pokemon games, I became excited for once I realized I could switch the language for the game. I have a thing about playing Pokemon in Japanese. Now I want it so I can play it. It's also for nostalgia's sake- I loved Pokemon Ruby. Guess which one I'm getting?

And finally, Dragon Age. That one is slightly more my excitement than my friends' excitement rubbing off on me, but I'm not getting it for a while because I still need to beat Dragon Age: Origins and start and beat Dragon Age 2. I like to play games in order. However, it should be really fun! It looks amazing.

Things I am not looking forward to when I turn 21

I'm not going to turn 21 for another 5-6 months. But let me tell you, I am not looking forward to it. I bring this up is because on Halloween, I was working when a regular patron came in. He asked what I planned on doing that night, and when I replied, "Oh, just playing horror video games with friends," he asks, "What, no drinking?" Which then led to the 'none of us are 21' discussion.

Thankfully, this patron didn't ask why we didn't drink. Although he did ask me if it was because I was Mormon. I said no, I'm not Mormon. And he goes "oh okay" and accepts it. But then he says, "Next year we'll see what you can do."

And I spent the next 10 minutes of my guarding shift wondering why there's a pressure to drink socially. Maybe it's a Utah thing, and I'm going to write the rest of this operating under the assumption that it is an exclusively Utah thing. If it isn't, let me know. I'm always curious to know what others think.

My workplace tends to have parties at one worker's house because it's easy, his roommates are cool with it, etc. Before that it was at another. I never touched a drink because I was DD and decided it'd be best for me to get a sugar rush on soda instead. It never actually worked, to be honest. But when I decline going to work parties now, the number one question asked is "Why not?"

Why not? Why not? Other than the fact that I'm not a huge fan of parties (which I then get crap for, but that's another story), it's because I don't want to drink, and work parties aren't fun if you aren't drinking. Plus, I didn't want to drink and then be unable to figure out how to get home (since I have no DD myself because of the fact everyone I know loves to drink). When I say that I don't want to tailgate with alcohol and will actively work towards finding a tailgate situation with friends who understand I don't drink, I get weird looks. Like, "why aren't you drinking?"

I get this feeling it's a thing with Utah where drinking is one of the key ways to separate non-Mormons from Mormons, and loose Mormons from strict Mormons. The Church seems to have a slight stigma that I can't put down into words. It's like it's bad if you're a strict Mormon. You got shit-talked behind your back, and for non-Mormons, get asked if you're Mormon like you've just sprouted a tail. Like being a Mormon means that your relationship with this person is going to be forever and irreparably marred because of your religion.

I get this feeling that my so-called "friends" in SLC are going to disregard the fact that I'm not going to want to go to a bar when I turn 21. Or, if they heed it, they'll look at me like I'm strange and unnatural. But I don't see the whole big deal of drinking myself stupid when I turn 21. I may not even drink at all for my actual birthday. Probably celebrate it a month later with my family because that's important to us. I'm very glad I won't be in SLC when it's my birthday. I just want to spend a nice day with friends who actually acknowledge my wishes and are cool with it. I don't want my 21st birthday to be seen as a way to rebel against the mainstream where I live.

The knitter/crocheter struggle

AKA the projects have gotten too big to be portable.

It's sad. My mom's shawl is officially too big to be carried around with me to school (I need that space for school stuff...) and I can't carry the scarf (too big as well) or the hat (too complicated/reliant on pattern). It's not necessarily a bad thing, though. That means I can work on writing stuff. Although the knitting was nice. I could still pay attention to class. With writing, not so much.

Transition

By the end of the year/beginning of the next, I'll be back in the dorms. The sad thing is, I'm excited about that. I hate feeling like a burden, like I'm not wanted, and that's precisely what I feel like in my current situation. I'm trying to find small ways to reclaim my independence, but it's hard. At least in the dorms, I know I can have independence. My friends are close enough, and it'll be nice to hang out with them again.

The only thing is, I have to move so much stuff, and I don't want to. This means I'm going to have to downsize considerably. Which means my yarn stash either needs to go home to Vegas until I need it, or cram it all into two boxes (haha, that's not happening), or figure out how to stashbust. A lot. I can think of some ways, but there are no guarantees that I'll be able to do it fast enough. And then there's the matter of clothes. I'm in the weird phase where I want to dress up nicely all the time, but I know once it becomes mid-summer or mid-winter, I'll want to dress up comfortably. However, I know there are things I don't wear all that often, and that's the stuff I'm going to have to give away. I have a problem with donating clothes, though. Why? Because people spent money for me to get that stuff, or I spent money to get that stuff, and I didn't even wear it that often. It seems like a waste. That's something I have to get over. Like there's this one jacket I own that goes to about my knees, or slightly longer. I don't remember who got it for me. All I know is that I don't wear it anymore. Maybe because I can't figure out how to layer it in SLC weather, but I don't. That's a thing I need to get rid of, and I don't know if I can get over the little voice saying "don't give it away, that's a waste." Same goes for anything that was a present to me. I can't bring myself to give it away but I need to because it takes up space. I also have to either put books in storage or do something with them because I don't want to give them away. I love my books too much but I can't carry them with me everywhere.

But I want to go back to the dorms. I'm tired of feeling unwanted, of feeling like I'm in the way, of feeling like I am nothing but a huge nuisance to everyone around me. At least in the dorms I can isolate myself of my own volition. That's a huge difference.

I had an idea in the midst of a panic attack the other day that I later chalked down to being ridiculous, I was just overreacting, but it sounded so good at the time. And that was to quit my job and live with a friend in her house. But I can't do that, because I'll be even further away from the friends who actually care about me. Or the majority of them. The friend whose house I'd be living in is one of those friends. So instead I settled for "I'm going to visit her house every weekend until I move back into the dorms" and then I'll figure out my schedule then. Because I'm going to be honest, it's much better to be surrounded by people you don't see that often but who still love you vs people you see that often and don't (especially if those people call you their best friend!).

Because no best friend or even a regular friend should make me feel like shit. Because no friend should ever not communicate and then get upset when I get upset over not being told. No friend should ever, never tell other people your secrets, and while this hasn't happened to me yet, my "friends" can be notorious gossips. I told you and you alone. There's no need to go tell other people.

I need to shed the toxic friendships out of my life, and I'm doing that during the New Years. I'm done with you people.

That number on a scale

This has been a thing that's bothered me for a while. It's partially spurred by someone I know. This person is obsessed with making that number on the scale go down. She goes running, because "it's a good way to lose weight!" Yet when she complains about not being able to go running (which is a lot, and usually the reason is the weather "Oh, I don't want to go running when it's hot"), and I suggest that she do some weight lifting, she gives me a look of disgust and goes, "I want to lose weight, not gain it." Like I told her to become fat. That's not the case.

What is the stigma against girls having muscle? When did society become so obsessed with a scale? It makes me frustrated that people look at me funny when I go do weights. It frustrates me that girls are in a race to see who can lose the most weight and be skinny and good-looking. There's a stigma against being big- fat, muscular, anything that's not in the magazines- that girls will criticize other girls who aren't trying to actively become or remain small.