Food Cravings

You know, for me, it's kind of hard not eating meat. Not because I miss the taste. That's a bit far from the truth. I do miss meat on occasion. And usually only when it comes to Japanese food. Nah, that's not the craving I'm talking about.

I had an intense craving for enchiladas. With salsa. And tomatoes. And all of the good stuff. And I can't make fish enchiladas because fish is expensive when you're not near the sea. So I found a lovely recipe for black bean enchiladas that I'll be making soon because why not? My food menu the next couple of weeks is likely going to be all over the place. There's Japanese food- soba, tuna rolls, omelet rice- as well as Mexican- enchiladas- and assorted side dishes- steamed broccoli, corn on the cob, sweet potato fries. And breakfast is all about the English muffins and making what I call a banana roll-up because I can't remember the proper name. Basically it's melt chocolate chips in almond butter with a bit of milk in it, spread it on a tortilla, stick a banana in it, and then roll it up and eat it. It's a good way to use the tortillas currently sitting in the freezer. And my almond butter.

Craft update

So I FINALLY finished my dad's blanket. Probably two weeks ago. And he LOVED it. Which made me really happy because I busted my butt for that to look good.

I also finished the pretty daisy skirt! It looks so cute! 

I had no one to help me so it looks badly taken.  Sorry. :(

Almost time to return to Utah

I don't know if I'm excited to go back and start school and see my friends again or if I'm really nervous about school. I'm taking 6 classes + 1 non-credit krav maga class, but 2 of those classes are online, so maybe it won't be that bad? Then there's my club(s?) and potential research. And I don't think work will be that bad... yet. I mean, I can still do my homework and stuff at the pool, and I refuse to work nights, so we should be good on that front, too. I should probably get my bike's flat tire. That way, if my roommate ends up having to return later than me, I can take my bike back. It's faster than the train. That'll only work when there's no snow, though. I'll figure that out when it comes to it. Not sure about the mornings. Maybe the train will be the best bet for that.

I'm figuring out a planner that'll work best for me, so I don't have to deal with store-bought planners that don't have everything I need. I tend to be a bit compulsive when it comes to organizing my life, especially when it gets crazy busy. The notes section in that planner will become quite handy once I decide to start thinking about ideas for the store I want to start. Don't know how well that'll go...

Some Japan photos

Here's some photos I took while in Japan. I brought my really nice camera with me, and a lot of them came out great! I love photography and I especially love taking photos of my favorite country in the world. So much beauty and history and culture all rolled in one place.

Kaminari-mon in Asakusa, Japan

The view out of Tokyo Skytree. I had to take this picture without looking because I hate heights and I was freaking out.

Enma located at Meiji Jingu in Shibuya, Tokyo.

Art installment at the 21st Century Museum in Kanazawa.

Duck near the old stepping bridge in Kenroku-en, located in Kanazawa.

Kotoji-toro at Kenroku-en. This garden is a place I would not mind being proposed to in, I'm so in love with the beauty. I'm 100% positive I'd be too embarrassed though. Because I'm not a public person.

Bee in a flower at Gokayama.

BUTTERFLIES!

Just so you know, that sign near the giraffe? It says "Please don't feed the giraffe the leaves from the bushes! Their stomachs will break." (I'm translating as best as I can) What is that giraffe doing? ...Eating the leaves from the bushes. My friend said to me, "Won't that upset his stomach?" And I was like, "Dude... It said we can't feed them. It never said it can't feed itself."

"GET OFF GEORGE."

"I WANT MY TOY BACK BOBBY."

I tried my hand at sewing...

It didn't turn out half so bad, considering I've never sewn anything with a machine before in my life.

I found a simple skirt tutorial here and thought, hey, you know what? I want to do this because I bet I can find cute fabrics to make into skirts. Usually I don't wear skirts because I don't like the pattern. So I went to JoAnns the next day (they were having a fabric sale) and bought two yard and a half things of fabric. Day after that, I started making the skirts.

Let me tell you about the daisy skirt, as I nicknamed it.

Isn't it pretty?

The daisy skirt has a pretty flower all over it. And I fell in love fast. I decided this one would be my first one, because the other fabric was plaid and I'm partial to plaid and that way, if I screwed up on the daisy skirt, I'd be able to fix it for the plaid one. I did everything right initially. Cut out the right size square, made all the pretty curves, cut the elastic, and it was finally time to put together the pieces together.

Have a selfie of me wearing the to-be skirt as a poncho.

This is when my inherent lack of sewing knowledge showed. I got my mom to show me how to use her sewing machine. I learned all of it relatively quickly. So I sewed the elastic into a circle, which wasn't hard. Then came the edge. I didn't know it's a good idea to roll the edge twice when you seam it, so the inside has all the little fraying ends sticking out. Oops. My mom pointed this out and I said, "Oh, I'll fix it with some ribbon!" Apparently that's okay because my mom didn't correct me. I still think it's right. 

So after that, I sew the elastic onto the waist band. Here's where I screw up big time. First, after realizing that there was more fabric than elastic, and totally forgetting elastic needs to stretch (that's kind of its job, ya know?) I sewed the extra fabric over itself. It didn't stretch. At all. And so I freaked out and my mom fixed it by taking everything out and telling me, "Stretch the elastic while you sew it together!"

I did that, but I also did that slightly wrong too. If anyone ever gets close enough to the skirt, they'll see there's a lot of ruffles at one point and then none at all as I realize that I stretched the elastic too much at some points and had too much elastic left over at the end. So the elastic is folded over itself. Oops again.

So my skirt's all lovely, and I went out to get some ribbon for the bottom. I decided to wing it- BAD MOVE. I bought one spool of ribbon and called that good, and then when I went to attach it later, it ran out. I got really confused. "It definitely said 3 yards! I need to go get more! Stupid Michael's for not updating how long it is after people use it," I say to myself. Needless to say, I am 100% clueless when it comes to buying anything that isn't yarn in stores. Especially at Michael's, which I don't go to all that often. I'm a JoAnn's girl, and even then I don't get anything but yarn. 

EMERGENCY!

I got another spool, the last one left, and started attaching that... and that ran out. So I'm sitting there with approximately 2/3rds of the skirt all ribboned and 1/3 with no ribbon at all. I complain to my mom and she asks to see the spool, but I go to double-check when she goes to the bathroom. I read the spool...

And it says 3 feet, not 3 yards like I thought. And I sat there for about 30 seconds before yelling, "I'm so stupid!" I explain to my mom my reading comprehension and potential solutions, and she says, "Wait before ripping out all the ribbon. There may be a solution."

Hopefully there is, because that skirt is sitting there taunting me with its incompleteness. 

I have a sad face.

Luckily, the second one went much smoother. Although I still kinda screwed up on the bottom hem. Oops.There are certain points where it turns up because there's too much fabric in those sections compared to others. Overall, though, it's pretty. I did so much better sewing the elastic to this one, though. I remembered to stretch it out and everything! And it came out so much prettier.

Modeling the plaid skirt.

Heeeeelloooooo my friend.

I must admit, taking the tutorial word for word is not a good idea. For example, it didn't tell me to stretch the elastic in order to get the skirt to fit. The maker probably assumed people with a basic idea of how elastic stuff works and the basics of sewing were using it. I fit neither of those. OH WELL. 

But I'm looking forward to being able to wear these skirts over my dance shorts in the summer or over tights in the fall/winter because these are cute as all get out and I am going to wear them with confidence. Also because it looks like no one can ever go wrong with skirts over tights.

Trips Galore!

Sorry! Life has been kind of hectic. For two weeks I was in Japan, and then I've been at home being social. Okay, not really. It actually kind of slipped my mind to update this blog once I got home because I've been working on my dad's blanket like there's no tomorrow. Because I want this done. And it is almost done! I'm really happy about it. It's been a lot of sweat and tears, to be honest. Then I just need to pretty it up some and it'll be good to go. Not that it'll do him much good in Hawaii where he's being transferred for his job. Just a bit too late... Oops.

But yeah! I went to Japan for two weeks and had a ton of fun! Lots of stories and pictures I need to share, as well as the WIP I started while waiting for my plane. I discovered I actually get nervous during landing/takeoff. Why? Don't know. But it turns out knitting/crocheting helps me calm down and takes my mind off of it, so I worked on that a lot. Stay tuned for the batch of photos of my Japan trip! It's going to be a multi-parter.

I'm also going to Disney Land and California Adventure this weekend! It's my roommate's birthday present for me. Admittedly, she has some ulterior motive (she's never been to Disney Land, only Magic Kingdom), so it works out for all of us. There's likely to be pictures of that, too.

Self-Confidence

I'm going to write this now while I'm in a semi-decent mood. My mood's kind of low today, and it may be because lack of sun or I'm just not excited to be back where all my stressors are.

Since at least high school, I've had confidence issues. I've internalized some things I probably shouldn't have let get to me and it's affecting me even now. Some things are:

• My grades are who I am 
• Intelligence is all I have
• My opinions are worthless
• I need validation in order to be someone
• I need to do something significant and spectacular with my life

The top two come from things I heard from my family and school. The third is from my interactions with friends and at school. The fourth is kind of derived from school, and the fifth definitely is. Basically, school's kind of toxic for me. I became a high achiever and expected a lot of myself, and became severely disappointed when I couldn't go through with it or couldn't do it as well as the next student. This  was killer in math and science, two subjects I was awful at. I somehow got through science with A's and B's. Math... I got C's. This caused me to hate myself more in high school because I thought I wasn't smart enough. 

I've been seeing some facebook posts linking to pages about how to know you've lived a good life or something like that. And I've been reading them. And in a good mood, I know I am lucky. I am living a good life. Yet sometimes the little tiny things get me down. Like all of the above. Like how I'm not pretty enough and so I can't empathize with my friends who have stories of men hitting on them or getting something for free. Like how I'm not skinny enough so I go through intense periods of calorie restriction and near fasting and then binge eat because I start getting headaches and my dizziness (already really bad) becomes worse. Like how I'm not happy enough because I may have Seasonal Affective Disorder, which makes living in Utah really, really hard. 

In attempts to make myself feel better, I try to find all the inspirational things I can and collect it. Put it in plain view for myself to see. Sometimes it works. Other times, it makes me feel worse. I'm going to go through each thing point by point and let you know how I try to deal with it.

1. My grades are who I am

Okay, this is kind of hard to get over. But I remind myself that past college, no one's going to give a shit I've got a 3.96. They're going to care about who I am and what I did. It's the "what I did" that's causing me more anxiety. And I've been telling myself, "I'm genuine. I'm real. People will see that," as a way to make up for the fact I may not have a lot for "what I did." In college, I don't have time for the "what I did" category to expand- at least, officially. Partially because I know I get stressed easily. I likely won't have time or money to do internships. I won't have time or money to do study abroads. I mean, hey, if an internship happens, I'm going to jump on it. Likely only if it's paid. But I've got things that I may not be able to put into a resume that I can talk about. Like my independent travels to Japan. My ability to teach myself things. That's something I'm proud of. I can teach myself things. 

2. Intelligence is all I have

I am not just my smarts. I am kind but firm, compassionate but blunt. Insightful into the way the world works. Resourceful and able to pick up on things quickly. I just have to remember all of this when I'm down. There's more to me than just intelligence. "Intelligence" in my current use of the word is how well I can do in school. Basically, "school smarts." It's good to be intelligent, but not "school smarts intelligence." 

3. My opinions are worthless

I've been shut down by so many people and ignored so many times that I've learned to be quiet. I never learned to fight for my opinion. Never learned how to debate properly. I don't even like picking from two options because it's giving my opinion on something. But there are people who care about and listen to what I think. I know for a fact I have one person who will listen to me and if he doesn't agree he will let me know in a way that doesn't frighten me. No "you are wrong." No raised voice. No "you are stupid." I just have to start getting my opinion out there while being backed by this person and become more confident. This will take time. But I'm going to do it.

4. I need validation in order to be someone/I need to do something spectacular with my life

Confession time: I went to go see The Fault in Our Stars in the movie theater and laughed at the movie and the people watching it. Laughed because it didn't seem realistic. Laughed because the characters didn't make sense to me. Laughed because the people watching it were making funny noises that I'm sure were the precursory noises to crying and why were they crying? But there's one line that Hazel said that almost made me cry. Not because it was some sappy confession. Because I was Augustus Waters in that moment and I needed to hear what Hazel said. She said (paraphrasing), "Why are you so set on being remembered by everybody? Isn't it enough to be remembered by someone who loves you so completely that they won't forget you? Who cares if you aren't remembered later on down the line? Isn't being loved by a few people so completely instead of by a lot of people partially more important?"

My school's honors college has a thing about telling us we need to do something important. if it's not outrightly telling us we need to do internships and take all these honors courses and do research blah blah blah, it's being implied. And I get stressed out because I DON'T see myself doing these things that easily. A lot of the opportunities are aimed- practically being shoved at- those who are engineering majors, computer science majors, or science majors. Basically, something hard science-y. Something that everyone says "will get you jobs out of college!" Whereas I haven't really heard of opportunities for people like me, who are fine arts majors or humanities majors, etc. I'm a Japanese/Linguistics double major. There are opportunities for research in Linguistics. I'm very interested in how to teach people language and how people acquire language, though, and the last time I checked, there wasn't much research being done at my university.

I don't need to be recognized for all that I do by the people I help. That's nice acknowledgement, yeah, but isn't it better to feel better for myself? I'm not saying I'm going to forgo acknowledgement completely. I need some "hey you do well!" thing that isn't sent out to a huge group of people. I like things personal and tailored to a small group of individuals. But I should stop hanging on it like a lifeline. I do not need validation by random people to be someone. What my family and friends acknowledge is enough. I had a talk with another friend (not the same from above), and he told me to be confident in what I do. Other people can see what I do and they won't necessarily vocalize it all the time. He said that he believes in me. Keep in mind, we aren't particularly chatty friends. I don't keep up with him all the time. I probably haven't talked to him much since middle school. But he sees that I operate differently- which isn't bad- and he believes in my ability, even if it is in a way vastly different than the way the world seems to operate.

5. Not pretty enough/calorie restriction

I've been convinced since high school that I'm not pretty. I don't have a face people like to look at. This is shallow. I have my own inner beauty and the people who go solely off of looks are not people who are worth my time. I've only recently gotten rid of the complex that I wasn't pretty because "I never used makeup." I really didn't. Only for really special occasions did I use make-up, and that was somewhat grudgingly. I can still sympathize with my friends who get hit on. But I haven't been in their position- yet. And I hope I don't. Before, I hoped it was because I was too ugly to be there. But I only recently change it to "I hope it's because of the way I carry myself. With a sure step and a gaze held level instead of at the ground, with thrown back shoulders and a way of exuding confidence." 

The "not pretty" complex also led to me hating how my body looked. This only started last year, where I began to skip meals and eat less food as well as exercise more in an effort to lose weight so I could be skinny and pretty. then I'd binge on food, feel awful and gross, and go back to restricting calories.  But I learned that by restricting calories, your body kicks into starvation mode- metabolism slows down and it's HARDER for you to lose weight. I still have problems with it. I think a large problem with it was I didn't know how much I was eating. I got MyFitnessPal for the iPhone and now I can see how much I've been eating. I'm not using it for calorie restriction- now that I know how much I need to eat and how much I've eaten and how much I need to go. If I use it in a healthy way, I should be fine. And I shouldn't be disappointed when the number on the scale doesn't change that much. I do swim and run. I'm going to have muscle. So if I lose weight and then gain it back it's probably because of losing fat and gaining muscle. 

So that's my long thing evaluating my self-confidence and how I hope to change things in the future.