You Deserve Hapiness

That's what I tell everyone in my letters. I am anonymous. A stranger writing a letter to a stranger, hoping to make their day. I have come to the conclusion that I write these uplifting things for two reasons.

1) These are the things I'd want to hear if I got an anonymous letter.

2) I don't want people to fall into the same feelings I had and keep having.

I don't want others to feel inadequate. I don't want others to feel unloved. I don't want them to feel alone and stressed out. I know what it's like when your brain turns on you and tells you things, true or not. Everyone needs reassurance.

"Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the single candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared." -Buddha

So smile. If you smile, someone else will smile, and that smile will keep spreading. Find your reason to smile. It doesn't have to be extravagant. It can be as simple as a silly picture. Your pet. Nature. The weather. No homework. Doing a hobby that you love. Anything. Keep that reason with you all day. When you feel like you're going down, bring that reason to the surface and smile.

Love yourself. It's the most important thing you can do.

Organization

My planner that I've been using for the past year runs out this week. Most of the planners I've found (and liked) don't start until August. So, basically, I'm stuck using a little notebook as my planner. Not that I'm complaining. I got the chance to split everything into four sections and now everything's neatly organized. Well, as neatly organized as it can be. There's still quite a bit of mess in there.

I've got a neat little thing to help me figure out which credits I still need to take to graduate. Let me tell you, that was frustrating because I had to look up classes and figure out what sounded interesting and what didn't. I'm still hoping to take the classes that'll help me teach ESL, but if that doesn't work, I'm not crushed. I can still take sociolinguistics, which is awesome. I cannot say the same for my Japanese major, though. The classes I do want to take haven't been listed in the past two years. Which upsets me because they say, "You can take classes from this list!" but only two of them are actually up there. What the heck, school. What. The. Heck.

And in addition to all of this, I finally created a facebook page for my shop. I didn't tell you I had a shop? Here it is! I created the facebook page to take commissions, too. Any kind of commission is going to help me at this point. I really, really need commissions. Basically, I need money. I'm starting to develop an interest in too many things and my income is not supporting it. Especially since two of them (a 3DS and a camera) do not come cheap. I have a rule where I don't buy a new game system until my old one is completely trashed and inoperable, but I haven't touched my DS Lite in forever. Yeah, I'm that far behind in the DS systems. The 3DS I'm eyeing, though, is a steal. I'm tempted to alert the person and tell them I'll take it, but they have to mail it to me. I'm also 100% willing to pay for shipping because that person lives past Provo and I don't have a car. The camera is my roommate's. I'm probably also going to buy all the accessories she has with it, if that's included. I just have to see what she has. I know for a fact I want the lenses.

I also created another blog for my hobbies! So this blog will exclusively be for my thoughts and little updates. The other blog is called Penumbra. There isn't much on there, but it'll come together and highlight my artsy pursuits.

Introspection

So today was a frisbee today. Every Friday! And I actually got beat today. First time I took that many hits in one game. I ended up getting hit in the head with the frisbee (because my own teammate kicked it and it hit me) and I ran into someone while trying to block. That guy was dense. Hitting him was like hitting a stone wall. I've been limping around because my left leg hurts and I know I'm going to get a bruise later. I've run into/been tackled by two guys before, but this was something else. However, it was fun. I pushed myself past what I thought possible (running on my hurt leg) every once in a while. Today is the day I've been doing what I didn't think I could do.

I went grocery shopping with Jonathan because I needed to pick up more granola bars and Gatorade for when I decided to pull a swimming-then-frisbee day. And I actually got to articulate my thoughts.

I found that how I interact with specific people will depend on the situation I first meet them. If I talk to people and the situation is uncomfortable, I'm less likely to try talking to them again. But if it's a good environment and it's easy for me to talk to them, I'm more likely to talk to them and consider them a friend. I told Jonathan that I have horrible social skills- something he never would've suspected because I'm talkative. The thing is, I'm shy with people I don't know. Once I get to know a person, I become loud and friendly. I told him I'm almost positive the frisbee guys are helping me be more outgoing. There were a few people I likely would've never bothered to talk to if it hadn't been for frisbee because they weren't the people I would've talked to normally.

Here's a funny story: Apparently, usually when a girl's invited, she comes, sees there are no other girls, then don't show up again. He expected the same from me. Show up, never show up again. It was a surprise to him I kept coming back. (Honestly, I've hung out with guys a lot. I like hanging out with guys.) And according to Jonathan, it's not me that looks scary. I've get this aura about me that is scary. Which rocks in a variety of situations.

For the longest time, I've held the belief I'm an unlikeable person. Whenever I express surprise that someone likes me, it's genuine surprise. But I'm starting to feel more and more accepted. First with my dorm friends, now with the frisbee guys. Here's a situation: A week or two ago, Jonathan had said we were going to split up into teams without flipping (flipping is the usual method of picking teams). The team of four got me, then there was a team of five. One of the guys, Forrest, said, "Pft, no, I want to be on Jess' team." Which made me think, "Wait, why? I can't do anything!" But in retrospect, I liked that, because it made me feel like I was likeable even though I sucked. I don't really suck at frisbee. I'm a decent defender. But when you've had low self-esteem for a long time, it's hard to think, "Hey, people like me!"

When I mentioned all this to Jonathan, he was surprised. He didn't know that the frisbee club could have that kind of impact on someone. It has on me. As I mentioned in this post, I hate missing frisbee. Not only does it help me release a lot of accumulated nervous energy and a lot of accumulated anxiety, but it and the people help me a lot.

I'm really grateful I'm going to university where I am. I've met a ton of people who are helping me get over my fears and anxieties, even if they don't know it. I'm extremely grateful to everyone I've met. I may not have the widest social circle, but the social circles I do go among are the best ones I could ask for. A big thank you to them for doing so much, even if you aren't aware of it. All of my dorms friends, lifeguarding coworkers, and frisbee buddies. They're all awesome.

It's been an odd day

That's all I can say.

I'd write about it, but the internet doesn't want to hear about my problems.

Something I complained about half-light-heatedly and half-seriously: My boss scheduled me to work all day next week Thursday. I'm going to bring enough food for an army and a lot to do.

I'm also looking forward to the Utah Arts Festival in two weeks. I think it'll be a blast.

Summer must be the time for change

I've recently started wanting to do a lot of things I never had the desire (or strong desire) to do before. 

Learn to dance.

Go hiking.

Hang out with friends.

Is it because I've got a ton of free time now? No restraints? Or is it because I've got great friends who are willing to do these things with me?

My friends from my dorm last year showed compassion and kindness when I had my problem back in... January? February? It seems like ages ago, truthfully. They showed they cared. That I could confide in others. It's okay to.

After saying "pft, nah, I'm too tired" several times during spring, I finally went to the frisbee club on campus for summer. Why did I say I was too tired? I had played volleyball just before it. And sometimes, I just didn't feel it. But I finally went, because I had free time and I was curious. I warned my friend and those there, "I can't throw. I can kind of catch. Not sure how much help I'll be." They said it's okay. I had such a blast that first day I went back. And kept going back, every Friday and Sunday, because the people there- those I already know and the people I don't- are cool. They're a community. 

One day we played in the rain. It was awesome. Also, it was cold. But mostly awesome.

The people in frisbee helped bring out the extrovert in me, I'm almost positive. That first day, I spoke to complete strangers with ease. That rarely happens. I'm proving myself and I don't need to put forth effort. It just happens. I showed I'm tough. It came from playing with no one but boys for three years. I was a tomboy and still kind of am. I can take a hit. Take karate for 4+ years with nothing but guys (there was a girl  for a few months every once in a while), and you learn to take a hit fast. I gained a reputation in my karate class for being a fierce grappler. It got to the point where no one would want to spar or grapple with me. I've also got a mean kick. Two of the funniest moments I remember was caused by three people- me, my brother, and a guy named Tyler. I'll elaborate on that some time.

That was a tangent. Point is, the frisbee guys make me feel at ease and make me feel that I can be myself. For once, I don't feel bad I look scary (that's another story). It helps in frisbee. And so does perseverance. Let me tell you, frisbee helps me burn off a lot of extra energy. A few times, I've gone swimming just before frisbee and still had the energy to run around, block, and yell. I've got a lot of energy these days, and I've got an acceptable medium to use it. To tell the truth, I look forward to frisbee every week. I'm hate missing it. The one time I thought I'd miss it because of work and a photography assignment, I expressed my dislike of it to Jonathan (the aforementioned friend). Turns out I didn't miss it because not enough people could come to my photography assignment. Doesn't matter, because everyone at frisbee is an awesome subject.

As for hiking... That came out with my dorm friends from last year. Our friend was going on a mission and we decided to go on a hike. I deliberately did not ask how difficult it was, because if I knew, I would've balked. It's a good thing I didn't ask. We were climbing, not hiking. I'd never gone on a hike before. I also have a fear of heights in certain situations, and that was one of those situations. After telling my friends, they helped me up the mountain, then back down. I got scratched up, abused by rocks, and felt sick several times, but I made it. 

And it was amazing.

I hated hiking. Now, as long as I'm with friends, it's enjoyable. I'm not going to go on that particular hike within the next month or so (I couldn't swim for a week, everything was sore), I'm willing to go with people when they say, "Hey, I'm going on a hike." I find I want to start a group hike. I'm actually going to go on a sunset hike a little later. I actually started this one.

All this leads me to think... I'm going to be a Resident Adviser for first year Honors students in a few months. A couple of months ago, I kept joking, "I'm going to be the worst RA, I'm so shy, I hate meeting new people and talking to people," and so on. Now, I feel like I can be a good RA. I'm willing to meet new people, willing to talk. Good timing, am I right? 

Summer must be the time for change. I feel good about myself. I feel like me. I can express myself and for every person that doesn't like me, I've someone who does. 

It's an awesome feeling.

Does anyone ever get those thoughts...

Where you instantly feel bad thinking about them? I've been doing that recently. With quite a few thoughts. It leaves me conflicted someones, until I shove it away and focus on school or hanging out with friends. Anything to take my mind off of those thoughts.