AKA the projects have gotten too big to be portable.
It's sad. My mom's shawl is officially too big to be carried around with me to school (I need that space for school stuff...) and I can't carry the scarf (too big as well) or the hat (too complicated/reliant on pattern). It's not necessarily a bad thing, though. That means I can work on writing stuff. Although the knitting was nice. I could still pay attention to class. With writing, not so much.
2014/10/27
2014/10/20
Transition
By the end of the year/beginning of the next, I'll be back in the dorms. The sad thing is, I'm excited about that. I hate feeling like a burden, like I'm not wanted, and that's precisely what I feel like in my current situation. I'm trying to find small ways to reclaim my independence, but it's hard. At least in the dorms, I know I can have independence. My friends are close enough, and it'll be nice to hang out with them again.
The only thing is, I have to move so much stuff, and I don't want to. This means I'm going to have to downsize considerably. Which means my yarn stash either needs to go home to Vegas until I need it, or cram it all into two boxes (haha, that's not happening), or figure out how to stashbust. A lot. I can think of some ways, but there are no guarantees that I'll be able to do it fast enough. And then there's the matter of clothes. I'm in the weird phase where I want to dress up nicely all the time, but I know once it becomes mid-summer or mid-winter, I'll want to dress up comfortably. However, I know there are things I don't wear all that often, and that's the stuff I'm going to have to give away. I have a problem with donating clothes, though. Why? Because people spent money for me to get that stuff, or I spent money to get that stuff, and I didn't even wear it that often. It seems like a waste. That's something I have to get over. Like there's this one jacket I own that goes to about my knees, or slightly longer. I don't remember who got it for me. All I know is that I don't wear it anymore. Maybe because I can't figure out how to layer it in SLC weather, but I don't. That's a thing I need to get rid of, and I don't know if I can get over the little voice saying "don't give it away, that's a waste." Same goes for anything that was a present to me. I can't bring myself to give it away but I need to because it takes up space. I also have to either put books in storage or do something with them because I don't want to give them away. I love my books too much but I can't carry them with me everywhere.
But I want to go back to the dorms. I'm tired of feeling unwanted, of feeling like I'm in the way, of feeling like I am nothing but a huge nuisance to everyone around me. At least in the dorms I can isolate myself of my own volition. That's a huge difference.
I had an idea in the midst of a panic attack the other day that I later chalked down to being ridiculous, I was just overreacting, but it sounded so good at the time. And that was to quit my job and live with a friend in her house. But I can't do that, because I'll be even further away from the friends who actually care about me. Or the majority of them. The friend whose house I'd be living in is one of those friends. So instead I settled for "I'm going to visit her house every weekend until I move back into the dorms" and then I'll figure out my schedule then. Because I'm going to be honest, it's much better to be surrounded by people you don't see that often but who still love you vs people you see that often and don't (especially if those people call you their best friend!).
Because no best friend or even a regular friend should make me feel like shit. Because no friend should ever not communicate and then get upset when I get upset over not being told. No friend should ever, never tell other people your secrets, and while this hasn't happened to me yet, my "friends" can be notorious gossips. I told you and you alone. There's no need to go tell other people.
I need to shed the toxic friendships out of my life, and I'm doing that during the New Years. I'm done with you people.
The only thing is, I have to move so much stuff, and I don't want to. This means I'm going to have to downsize considerably. Which means my yarn stash either needs to go home to Vegas until I need it, or cram it all into two boxes (haha, that's not happening), or figure out how to stashbust. A lot. I can think of some ways, but there are no guarantees that I'll be able to do it fast enough. And then there's the matter of clothes. I'm in the weird phase where I want to dress up nicely all the time, but I know once it becomes mid-summer or mid-winter, I'll want to dress up comfortably. However, I know there are things I don't wear all that often, and that's the stuff I'm going to have to give away. I have a problem with donating clothes, though. Why? Because people spent money for me to get that stuff, or I spent money to get that stuff, and I didn't even wear it that often. It seems like a waste. That's something I have to get over. Like there's this one jacket I own that goes to about my knees, or slightly longer. I don't remember who got it for me. All I know is that I don't wear it anymore. Maybe because I can't figure out how to layer it in SLC weather, but I don't. That's a thing I need to get rid of, and I don't know if I can get over the little voice saying "don't give it away, that's a waste." Same goes for anything that was a present to me. I can't bring myself to give it away but I need to because it takes up space. I also have to either put books in storage or do something with them because I don't want to give them away. I love my books too much but I can't carry them with me everywhere.
But I want to go back to the dorms. I'm tired of feeling unwanted, of feeling like I'm in the way, of feeling like I am nothing but a huge nuisance to everyone around me. At least in the dorms I can isolate myself of my own volition. That's a huge difference.
I had an idea in the midst of a panic attack the other day that I later chalked down to being ridiculous, I was just overreacting, but it sounded so good at the time. And that was to quit my job and live with a friend in her house. But I can't do that, because I'll be even further away from the friends who actually care about me. Or the majority of them. The friend whose house I'd be living in is one of those friends. So instead I settled for "I'm going to visit her house every weekend until I move back into the dorms" and then I'll figure out my schedule then. Because I'm going to be honest, it's much better to be surrounded by people you don't see that often but who still love you vs people you see that often and don't (especially if those people call you their best friend!).
Because no best friend or even a regular friend should make me feel like shit. Because no friend should ever not communicate and then get upset when I get upset over not being told. No friend should ever, never tell other people your secrets, and while this hasn't happened to me yet, my "friends" can be notorious gossips. I told you and you alone. There's no need to go tell other people.
I need to shed the toxic friendships out of my life, and I'm doing that during the New Years. I'm done with you people.
2014/10/05
That number on a scale
This has been a thing that's bothered me for a while. It's partially spurred by someone I know. This person is obsessed with making that number on the scale go down. She goes running, because "it's a good way to lose weight!" Yet when she complains about not being able to go running (which is a lot, and usually the reason is the weather "Oh, I don't want to go running when it's hot"), and I suggest that she do some weight lifting, she gives me a look of disgust and goes, "I want to lose weight, not gain it." Like I told her to become fat. That's not the case.
What is the stigma against girls having muscle? When did society become so obsessed with a scale? It makes me frustrated that people look at me funny when I go do weights. It frustrates me that girls are in a race to see who can lose the most weight and be skinny and good-looking. There's a stigma against being big- fat, muscular, anything that's not in the magazines- that girls will criticize other girls who aren't trying to actively become or remain small.
What is the stigma against girls having muscle? When did society become so obsessed with a scale? It makes me frustrated that people look at me funny when I go do weights. It frustrates me that girls are in a race to see who can lose the most weight and be skinny and good-looking. There's a stigma against being big- fat, muscular, anything that's not in the magazines- that girls will criticize other girls who aren't trying to actively become or remain small.
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