Second-hand excitement

There are quite a few games being released on November, and I've got second-hand excitement for at least three- Dragon Age Inquisition, Pokemon Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire, and Smash Bros for the Wii U. Now, I can't get Smash Bros due to a lack of the Wii U. But I'm still excited because that means I can go to my friend's house and play it. Although that excitement tends to be dampened by the fact I actually get beat very badly against anyone other than AIs.

But the Pokemon games, I became excited for once I realized I could switch the language for the game. I have a thing about playing Pokemon in Japanese. Now I want it so I can play it. It's also for nostalgia's sake- I loved Pokemon Ruby. Guess which one I'm getting?

And finally, Dragon Age. That one is slightly more my excitement than my friends' excitement rubbing off on me, but I'm not getting it for a while because I still need to beat Dragon Age: Origins and start and beat Dragon Age 2. I like to play games in order. However, it should be really fun! It looks amazing.

Things I am not looking forward to when I turn 21

I'm not going to turn 21 for another 5-6 months. But let me tell you, I am not looking forward to it. I bring this up is because on Halloween, I was working when a regular patron came in. He asked what I planned on doing that night, and when I replied, "Oh, just playing horror video games with friends," he asks, "What, no drinking?" Which then led to the 'none of us are 21' discussion.

Thankfully, this patron didn't ask why we didn't drink. Although he did ask me if it was because I was Mormon. I said no, I'm not Mormon. And he goes "oh okay" and accepts it. But then he says, "Next year we'll see what you can do."

And I spent the next 10 minutes of my guarding shift wondering why there's a pressure to drink socially. Maybe it's a Utah thing, and I'm going to write the rest of this operating under the assumption that it is an exclusively Utah thing. If it isn't, let me know. I'm always curious to know what others think.

My workplace tends to have parties at one worker's house because it's easy, his roommates are cool with it, etc. Before that it was at another. I never touched a drink because I was DD and decided it'd be best for me to get a sugar rush on soda instead. It never actually worked, to be honest. But when I decline going to work parties now, the number one question asked is "Why not?"

Why not? Why not? Other than the fact that I'm not a huge fan of parties (which I then get crap for, but that's another story), it's because I don't want to drink, and work parties aren't fun if you aren't drinking. Plus, I didn't want to drink and then be unable to figure out how to get home (since I have no DD myself because of the fact everyone I know loves to drink). When I say that I don't want to tailgate with alcohol and will actively work towards finding a tailgate situation with friends who understand I don't drink, I get weird looks. Like, "why aren't you drinking?"

I get this feeling it's a thing with Utah where drinking is one of the key ways to separate non-Mormons from Mormons, and loose Mormons from strict Mormons. The Church seems to have a slight stigma that I can't put down into words. It's like it's bad if you're a strict Mormon. You got shit-talked behind your back, and for non-Mormons, get asked if you're Mormon like you've just sprouted a tail. Like being a Mormon means that your relationship with this person is going to be forever and irreparably marred because of your religion.

I get this feeling that my so-called "friends" in SLC are going to disregard the fact that I'm not going to want to go to a bar when I turn 21. Or, if they heed it, they'll look at me like I'm strange and unnatural. But I don't see the whole big deal of drinking myself stupid when I turn 21. I may not even drink at all for my actual birthday. Probably celebrate it a month later with my family because that's important to us. I'm very glad I won't be in SLC when it's my birthday. I just want to spend a nice day with friends who actually acknowledge my wishes and are cool with it. I don't want my 21st birthday to be seen as a way to rebel against the mainstream where I live.

The knitter/crocheter struggle

AKA the projects have gotten too big to be portable.

It's sad. My mom's shawl is officially too big to be carried around with me to school (I need that space for school stuff...) and I can't carry the scarf (too big as well) or the hat (too complicated/reliant on pattern). It's not necessarily a bad thing, though. That means I can work on writing stuff. Although the knitting was nice. I could still pay attention to class. With writing, not so much.

Transition

By the end of the year/beginning of the next, I'll be back in the dorms. The sad thing is, I'm excited about that. I hate feeling like a burden, like I'm not wanted, and that's precisely what I feel like in my current situation. I'm trying to find small ways to reclaim my independence, but it's hard. At least in the dorms, I know I can have independence. My friends are close enough, and it'll be nice to hang out with them again.

The only thing is, I have to move so much stuff, and I don't want to. This means I'm going to have to downsize considerably. Which means my yarn stash either needs to go home to Vegas until I need it, or cram it all into two boxes (haha, that's not happening), or figure out how to stashbust. A lot. I can think of some ways, but there are no guarantees that I'll be able to do it fast enough. And then there's the matter of clothes. I'm in the weird phase where I want to dress up nicely all the time, but I know once it becomes mid-summer or mid-winter, I'll want to dress up comfortably. However, I know there are things I don't wear all that often, and that's the stuff I'm going to have to give away. I have a problem with donating clothes, though. Why? Because people spent money for me to get that stuff, or I spent money to get that stuff, and I didn't even wear it that often. It seems like a waste. That's something I have to get over. Like there's this one jacket I own that goes to about my knees, or slightly longer. I don't remember who got it for me. All I know is that I don't wear it anymore. Maybe because I can't figure out how to layer it in SLC weather, but I don't. That's a thing I need to get rid of, and I don't know if I can get over the little voice saying "don't give it away, that's a waste." Same goes for anything that was a present to me. I can't bring myself to give it away but I need to because it takes up space. I also have to either put books in storage or do something with them because I don't want to give them away. I love my books too much but I can't carry them with me everywhere.

But I want to go back to the dorms. I'm tired of feeling unwanted, of feeling like I'm in the way, of feeling like I am nothing but a huge nuisance to everyone around me. At least in the dorms I can isolate myself of my own volition. That's a huge difference.

I had an idea in the midst of a panic attack the other day that I later chalked down to being ridiculous, I was just overreacting, but it sounded so good at the time. And that was to quit my job and live with a friend in her house. But I can't do that, because I'll be even further away from the friends who actually care about me. Or the majority of them. The friend whose house I'd be living in is one of those friends. So instead I settled for "I'm going to visit her house every weekend until I move back into the dorms" and then I'll figure out my schedule then. Because I'm going to be honest, it's much better to be surrounded by people you don't see that often but who still love you vs people you see that often and don't (especially if those people call you their best friend!).

Because no best friend or even a regular friend should make me feel like shit. Because no friend should ever not communicate and then get upset when I get upset over not being told. No friend should ever, never tell other people your secrets, and while this hasn't happened to me yet, my "friends" can be notorious gossips. I told you and you alone. There's no need to go tell other people.

I need to shed the toxic friendships out of my life, and I'm doing that during the New Years. I'm done with you people.

That number on a scale

This has been a thing that's bothered me for a while. It's partially spurred by someone I know. This person is obsessed with making that number on the scale go down. She goes running, because "it's a good way to lose weight!" Yet when she complains about not being able to go running (which is a lot, and usually the reason is the weather "Oh, I don't want to go running when it's hot"), and I suggest that she do some weight lifting, she gives me a look of disgust and goes, "I want to lose weight, not gain it." Like I told her to become fat. That's not the case.

What is the stigma against girls having muscle? When did society become so obsessed with a scale? It makes me frustrated that people look at me funny when I go do weights. It frustrates me that girls are in a race to see who can lose the most weight and be skinny and good-looking. There's a stigma against being big- fat, muscular, anything that's not in the magazines- that girls will criticize other girls who aren't trying to actively become or remain small.

A few totally awesome WIPs

(And one FO that I never got a good picture of outside of my brother's graduation)

This is the Elder Tree Shawl that I'm making for my mom as a Christmas present. This will be the easier of the two, I think, but longer because of the lace. I'm in love with the design. 

This awesome Hyrule Warriors Scarf is for Nate, as a birthday/Christmas present. Haven't decided which one yet. He's a huge Legend of Zelda fan and he's super excited for the game's release. I'm less excited but still excited because Legend of Zelda! It's become a favorite thing of mine recently (OoT is still escaping my ability to play. though...)

This is the White Russian Skirt. I had some leftover green cotton yarn from a dress I made my mom and decided to try and make this. Unfortunately, the leftover was not enough to make a decent length skirt. Underneath this I'm wearing dance shorts, and obviously you can see the shorts still. I'm trying not to buy any more yarn until I use up what I already have- and that's a lot.

I wanted something to wear to my brother's high school graduation. I needed something that'd go with a red dress, and when I asked for opinions, I got navy blue as an answer most frequently. So, using red heart yarn, I made this. The yarn was super scratchy but it somehow softened up after a few months in my closest. Unfortunately, it wasn't soon enough. It was still a bit scratchy after trying to fix it a few times before the graduation. 

Feelings- might get personal

I've been yo-yo-ing between being really busy with classes and being bored with classes. I guess that's the benefit of taking online classes- you can catch up with all the work and then having nothing to do until the next module opens, and then when you catch up on all your physical class work as a result, it leaves you with nothing. For me, that's a double-edged sword. I actually am one of the rare people who like to be kept busy- whether it's with cooking, or homework, or something, I like having something to do. If it's people related it needs to be done less frequently, but it's still doing something. Boredom makes me think several things, including

1. I'm missing something in my homework/life
2. I finished all my homework fast which means it was either too easy or I screwed up somewhere
3. It makes me extremely restless which makes me more susceptible to darker thoughts
4. Darker thoughts.

Among other things. It's number 3 and 4 that get me. Because I've had low self-esteem issues for my whole life, I've taken to heart slightly toxic things as a child, and started having more mental problems in college. Although I've been working to get over it, and I've had some friends who've supported me, I still fall prey to thoughts of worthlessness and loneliness and sadness. 

And today, there was an event that made me feel absolutely unwanted. A burden. The feeling is unjustified, I'm sure, but when I've had these problems for so long, it's almost too easy to fall into the same rut again. I realized that some people may actually view me as a burden, holding back their lives, despite previous promises from their mouths that they'd help me in certain aspects. That I'm unwanted because of this. That I have no friends (this is absolutely false but in this certain environment it feels like it) who'd be there for me if I needed it. That no one needs me. And as someone who feels like all she's good for as a friend is to be there and listen and be needed, the feeling of not being needed sucks. 

So I'm sitting here rambling trying to sort my feelings out and hoping that writing keeps the demons away for a bit longer. 

Comic Con

"But Jess!" you say, looking at the title, "Comic Con was a few months ago!"

I know it was! I went to the one in Salt Lake, not San Diego. Cheaper and closer. Win-win situation. Except maybe not in SDCC's eyes.

But here's what happened on the three days I got to experience a Comic Con. Basically, it reminded me of an anime convention, but instead of just anime, there were more cosplays and booths and such related to comics, books, games, and so on. Basically the little girl in me was like "OH MY GOD LOOK AT ALL THESE BOOKS" and the adult girl in me was like "OH MY GOD LOOK AT ALL THESE BOOKS AND GAMES."

But that was when we got in.

Getting in was a problem on Thursday. There seemed to be a lot of miscommunication going on. Volunteers didn't seem to know what line was what, and everyone in line was either angry, confused, or both. Angry confused people are not fun. Basically what it boiled down to was the line I wanted in for approximately 3-4 hours was for gold/vip members, and any general admission people who had waited in that line had to leave and go to ANOTHER line and wait LONGER. Luckily I wanted in the right line. But then, once Nate and I got in, we waited ANOTHER 1-2 hours because we chose the line where every once in a while, one of the two people helping had to turn and help the handicapped. The line moved infinitely slow because of that, while the line directly to my left moved fast. It didn't help there were two "VIP registrations" and two general "VIP" signs. I don't think there was a difference, in hindsight. On Thursday, I missed EVERYONE I wanted to see because of that line. I couldn't see Cary Elwes, Johnny Yong Bosch, or Jason David Frank. I got a three day pass and in actuality only really spend 2 and a half days because of having to wait in line. I got lucky, though. Some people didn't even get tickets.

Friday, though, was fun! I got a new shirt with Charmander Shepard. My second favorite Pokemon combined with my favorite game character. I also bought 6 patches to put on hats and scarves. I'm so excited for those!

Zelda, Portal, Mass Effect, Firefly, and Pacific Rim

I saw Vic Mignogna (whose name I surprisingly spelled right the first time), and he was just a joy to watch. He's probably my favorite American male voice actor, and I love his upbeat attitude. I really needed to hear some of the things he said. I saw him already at an anime convention in Vegas, but this just made me happier because he was in a different setting and got different (and in my opinion, cooler) questions. I also got to chill with my friends David and Christian for a bit. I dressed up as Syfy channel's Hatter, but a female version, not the Andrew Lee Potts version.

Then Saturday everything started off kind of awfully. Nate got food poisoning from the dinner he made the day before- oh no! I had to go to a work meeting, so I basically fretted beforehand and told him if absolutely ANYTHING changed he needed to let me know. I can't do sick people. But he got better after my meeting. Don't let anyone tell you naps are useless. He took a 15 minute nap and felt infinitely better afterwards. So we went a little later than we could've, but that's fine. He was okay! We walked around the floor for a bit after checking out the line to see John Barrowman. Then we went back into line and oh my god was that line long. When Nate and I were at the front, waiting to get in, we talked quickly and decided that since two chairs next to each other weren't likely not going to happen, the next time a single seat open up, I'd go, then he'd go. we'd be separated, but we'd see John Barrowman.

I love the man, let me tell you. He is funny and witty and handsome and intelligent and all sorts of things. I'm so glad I got to see him in person at least once. I am likely not going to forget the story of the girl who tried to start a Gay-Straight Alliance at her school and asked John Barrowman for help, and he told her make it peaceful. And even though the girl had graduated, she said that a GSA had been made, thanks to some help from John Barrowman. He also responded with wit to a girl saying that Stephen Amell (the panelist before him and the main star of the show Arrow) said his knees still hurt. John Barrowman goes "well maybe he shouldn't have been on them that long," which sent the entire hall into laughter. The true story, he then explained, was that in a scene in season 1, when the Dark Archer is beating the crap out of Oliver Queen (Stephen Amell), he's supposed to kick him through a wall and then kick the crap out of him. JB is wearing steel-capped boots.

You know where this is going. 

While wearing those boots, he kicks SA through the wall and starts kicking him. He kicks so hard at SA's knees that he actually hurt him. And JB felt so bad afterwards. 

But Saturday, for the awful start it had (for Nate), turned out to be fun. I really enjoyed it, and I enjoyed hanging out with Nate and David and just wandering the halls and attending panels. I do admit, watching the pilot episode of Z Nation (Syfy's newest series) made me realize exactly how big of a nerd I am for planning out my zombie apocalypse plan. The zombie apocalypse isn't going to happen for several reasons (to see most of them summed up, go watch Neil deGrasse Tyson "The Killjoy of Science"). I criticized Z Nation not for the stereotypes it plays into, but for the unrealistic zombies. Unrealistic zombies. Zombies aren't even real, Jess. They may not be, but they can follow certain rules and Z Nation did NONE OF THEM.

And unfortunately I'm back into school. Oh no. Busy school.

Food Cravings

You know, for me, it's kind of hard not eating meat. Not because I miss the taste. That's a bit far from the truth. I do miss meat on occasion. And usually only when it comes to Japanese food. Nah, that's not the craving I'm talking about.

I had an intense craving for enchiladas. With salsa. And tomatoes. And all of the good stuff. And I can't make fish enchiladas because fish is expensive when you're not near the sea. So I found a lovely recipe for black bean enchiladas that I'll be making soon because why not? My food menu the next couple of weeks is likely going to be all over the place. There's Japanese food- soba, tuna rolls, omelet rice- as well as Mexican- enchiladas- and assorted side dishes- steamed broccoli, corn on the cob, sweet potato fries. And breakfast is all about the English muffins and making what I call a banana roll-up because I can't remember the proper name. Basically it's melt chocolate chips in almond butter with a bit of milk in it, spread it on a tortilla, stick a banana in it, and then roll it up and eat it. It's a good way to use the tortillas currently sitting in the freezer. And my almond butter.

Craft update

So I FINALLY finished my dad's blanket. Probably two weeks ago. And he LOVED it. Which made me really happy because I busted my butt for that to look good.

I also finished the pretty daisy skirt! It looks so cute! 

I had no one to help me so it looks badly taken.  Sorry. :(

Almost time to return to Utah

I don't know if I'm excited to go back and start school and see my friends again or if I'm really nervous about school. I'm taking 6 classes + 1 non-credit krav maga class, but 2 of those classes are online, so maybe it won't be that bad? Then there's my club(s?) and potential research. And I don't think work will be that bad... yet. I mean, I can still do my homework and stuff at the pool, and I refuse to work nights, so we should be good on that front, too. I should probably get my bike's flat tire. That way, if my roommate ends up having to return later than me, I can take my bike back. It's faster than the train. That'll only work when there's no snow, though. I'll figure that out when it comes to it. Not sure about the mornings. Maybe the train will be the best bet for that.

I'm figuring out a planner that'll work best for me, so I don't have to deal with store-bought planners that don't have everything I need. I tend to be a bit compulsive when it comes to organizing my life, especially when it gets crazy busy. The notes section in that planner will become quite handy once I decide to start thinking about ideas for the store I want to start. Don't know how well that'll go...

Some Japan photos

Here's some photos I took while in Japan. I brought my really nice camera with me, and a lot of them came out great! I love photography and I especially love taking photos of my favorite country in the world. So much beauty and history and culture all rolled in one place.

Kaminari-mon in Asakusa, Japan

The view out of Tokyo Skytree. I had to take this picture without looking because I hate heights and I was freaking out.

Enma located at Meiji Jingu in Shibuya, Tokyo.

Art installment at the 21st Century Museum in Kanazawa.

Duck near the old stepping bridge in Kenroku-en, located in Kanazawa.

Kotoji-toro at Kenroku-en. This garden is a place I would not mind being proposed to in, I'm so in love with the beauty. I'm 100% positive I'd be too embarrassed though. Because I'm not a public person.

Bee in a flower at Gokayama.

BUTTERFLIES!

Just so you know, that sign near the giraffe? It says "Please don't feed the giraffe the leaves from the bushes! Their stomachs will break." (I'm translating as best as I can) What is that giraffe doing? ...Eating the leaves from the bushes. My friend said to me, "Won't that upset his stomach?" And I was like, "Dude... It said we can't feed them. It never said it can't feed itself."

"GET OFF GEORGE."

"I WANT MY TOY BACK BOBBY."

I tried my hand at sewing...

It didn't turn out half so bad, considering I've never sewn anything with a machine before in my life.

I found a simple skirt tutorial here and thought, hey, you know what? I want to do this because I bet I can find cute fabrics to make into skirts. Usually I don't wear skirts because I don't like the pattern. So I went to JoAnns the next day (they were having a fabric sale) and bought two yard and a half things of fabric. Day after that, I started making the skirts.

Let me tell you about the daisy skirt, as I nicknamed it.

Isn't it pretty?

The daisy skirt has a pretty flower all over it. And I fell in love fast. I decided this one would be my first one, because the other fabric was plaid and I'm partial to plaid and that way, if I screwed up on the daisy skirt, I'd be able to fix it for the plaid one. I did everything right initially. Cut out the right size square, made all the pretty curves, cut the elastic, and it was finally time to put together the pieces together.

Have a selfie of me wearing the to-be skirt as a poncho.

This is when my inherent lack of sewing knowledge showed. I got my mom to show me how to use her sewing machine. I learned all of it relatively quickly. So I sewed the elastic into a circle, which wasn't hard. Then came the edge. I didn't know it's a good idea to roll the edge twice when you seam it, so the inside has all the little fraying ends sticking out. Oops. My mom pointed this out and I said, "Oh, I'll fix it with some ribbon!" Apparently that's okay because my mom didn't correct me. I still think it's right. 

So after that, I sew the elastic onto the waist band. Here's where I screw up big time. First, after realizing that there was more fabric than elastic, and totally forgetting elastic needs to stretch (that's kind of its job, ya know?) I sewed the extra fabric over itself. It didn't stretch. At all. And so I freaked out and my mom fixed it by taking everything out and telling me, "Stretch the elastic while you sew it together!"

I did that, but I also did that slightly wrong too. If anyone ever gets close enough to the skirt, they'll see there's a lot of ruffles at one point and then none at all as I realize that I stretched the elastic too much at some points and had too much elastic left over at the end. So the elastic is folded over itself. Oops again.

So my skirt's all lovely, and I went out to get some ribbon for the bottom. I decided to wing it- BAD MOVE. I bought one spool of ribbon and called that good, and then when I went to attach it later, it ran out. I got really confused. "It definitely said 3 yards! I need to go get more! Stupid Michael's for not updating how long it is after people use it," I say to myself. Needless to say, I am 100% clueless when it comes to buying anything that isn't yarn in stores. Especially at Michael's, which I don't go to all that often. I'm a JoAnn's girl, and even then I don't get anything but yarn. 

EMERGENCY!

I got another spool, the last one left, and started attaching that... and that ran out. So I'm sitting there with approximately 2/3rds of the skirt all ribboned and 1/3 with no ribbon at all. I complain to my mom and she asks to see the spool, but I go to double-check when she goes to the bathroom. I read the spool...

And it says 3 feet, not 3 yards like I thought. And I sat there for about 30 seconds before yelling, "I'm so stupid!" I explain to my mom my reading comprehension and potential solutions, and she says, "Wait before ripping out all the ribbon. There may be a solution."

Hopefully there is, because that skirt is sitting there taunting me with its incompleteness. 

I have a sad face.

Luckily, the second one went much smoother. Although I still kinda screwed up on the bottom hem. Oops.There are certain points where it turns up because there's too much fabric in those sections compared to others. Overall, though, it's pretty. I did so much better sewing the elastic to this one, though. I remembered to stretch it out and everything! And it came out so much prettier.

Modeling the plaid skirt.

Heeeeelloooooo my friend.

I must admit, taking the tutorial word for word is not a good idea. For example, it didn't tell me to stretch the elastic in order to get the skirt to fit. The maker probably assumed people with a basic idea of how elastic stuff works and the basics of sewing were using it. I fit neither of those. OH WELL. 

But I'm looking forward to being able to wear these skirts over my dance shorts in the summer or over tights in the fall/winter because these are cute as all get out and I am going to wear them with confidence. Also because it looks like no one can ever go wrong with skirts over tights.

Trips Galore!

Sorry! Life has been kind of hectic. For two weeks I was in Japan, and then I've been at home being social. Okay, not really. It actually kind of slipped my mind to update this blog once I got home because I've been working on my dad's blanket like there's no tomorrow. Because I want this done. And it is almost done! I'm really happy about it. It's been a lot of sweat and tears, to be honest. Then I just need to pretty it up some and it'll be good to go. Not that it'll do him much good in Hawaii where he's being transferred for his job. Just a bit too late... Oops.

But yeah! I went to Japan for two weeks and had a ton of fun! Lots of stories and pictures I need to share, as well as the WIP I started while waiting for my plane. I discovered I actually get nervous during landing/takeoff. Why? Don't know. But it turns out knitting/crocheting helps me calm down and takes my mind off of it, so I worked on that a lot. Stay tuned for the batch of photos of my Japan trip! It's going to be a multi-parter.

I'm also going to Disney Land and California Adventure this weekend! It's my roommate's birthday present for me. Admittedly, she has some ulterior motive (she's never been to Disney Land, only Magic Kingdom), so it works out for all of us. There's likely to be pictures of that, too.

Self-Confidence

I'm going to write this now while I'm in a semi-decent mood. My mood's kind of low today, and it may be because lack of sun or I'm just not excited to be back where all my stressors are.

Since at least high school, I've had confidence issues. I've internalized some things I probably shouldn't have let get to me and it's affecting me even now. Some things are:

• My grades are who I am 
• Intelligence is all I have
• My opinions are worthless
• I need validation in order to be someone
• I need to do something significant and spectacular with my life

The top two come from things I heard from my family and school. The third is from my interactions with friends and at school. The fourth is kind of derived from school, and the fifth definitely is. Basically, school's kind of toxic for me. I became a high achiever and expected a lot of myself, and became severely disappointed when I couldn't go through with it or couldn't do it as well as the next student. This  was killer in math and science, two subjects I was awful at. I somehow got through science with A's and B's. Math... I got C's. This caused me to hate myself more in high school because I thought I wasn't smart enough. 

I've been seeing some facebook posts linking to pages about how to know you've lived a good life or something like that. And I've been reading them. And in a good mood, I know I am lucky. I am living a good life. Yet sometimes the little tiny things get me down. Like all of the above. Like how I'm not pretty enough and so I can't empathize with my friends who have stories of men hitting on them or getting something for free. Like how I'm not skinny enough so I go through intense periods of calorie restriction and near fasting and then binge eat because I start getting headaches and my dizziness (already really bad) becomes worse. Like how I'm not happy enough because I may have Seasonal Affective Disorder, which makes living in Utah really, really hard. 

In attempts to make myself feel better, I try to find all the inspirational things I can and collect it. Put it in plain view for myself to see. Sometimes it works. Other times, it makes me feel worse. I'm going to go through each thing point by point and let you know how I try to deal with it.

1. My grades are who I am

Okay, this is kind of hard to get over. But I remind myself that past college, no one's going to give a shit I've got a 3.96. They're going to care about who I am and what I did. It's the "what I did" that's causing me more anxiety. And I've been telling myself, "I'm genuine. I'm real. People will see that," as a way to make up for the fact I may not have a lot for "what I did." In college, I don't have time for the "what I did" category to expand- at least, officially. Partially because I know I get stressed easily. I likely won't have time or money to do internships. I won't have time or money to do study abroads. I mean, hey, if an internship happens, I'm going to jump on it. Likely only if it's paid. But I've got things that I may not be able to put into a resume that I can talk about. Like my independent travels to Japan. My ability to teach myself things. That's something I'm proud of. I can teach myself things. 

2. Intelligence is all I have

I am not just my smarts. I am kind but firm, compassionate but blunt. Insightful into the way the world works. Resourceful and able to pick up on things quickly. I just have to remember all of this when I'm down. There's more to me than just intelligence. "Intelligence" in my current use of the word is how well I can do in school. Basically, "school smarts." It's good to be intelligent, but not "school smarts intelligence." 

3. My opinions are worthless

I've been shut down by so many people and ignored so many times that I've learned to be quiet. I never learned to fight for my opinion. Never learned how to debate properly. I don't even like picking from two options because it's giving my opinion on something. But there are people who care about and listen to what I think. I know for a fact I have one person who will listen to me and if he doesn't agree he will let me know in a way that doesn't frighten me. No "you are wrong." No raised voice. No "you are stupid." I just have to start getting my opinion out there while being backed by this person and become more confident. This will take time. But I'm going to do it.

4. I need validation in order to be someone/I need to do something spectacular with my life

Confession time: I went to go see The Fault in Our Stars in the movie theater and laughed at the movie and the people watching it. Laughed because it didn't seem realistic. Laughed because the characters didn't make sense to me. Laughed because the people watching it were making funny noises that I'm sure were the precursory noises to crying and why were they crying? But there's one line that Hazel said that almost made me cry. Not because it was some sappy confession. Because I was Augustus Waters in that moment and I needed to hear what Hazel said. She said (paraphrasing), "Why are you so set on being remembered by everybody? Isn't it enough to be remembered by someone who loves you so completely that they won't forget you? Who cares if you aren't remembered later on down the line? Isn't being loved by a few people so completely instead of by a lot of people partially more important?"

My school's honors college has a thing about telling us we need to do something important. if it's not outrightly telling us we need to do internships and take all these honors courses and do research blah blah blah, it's being implied. And I get stressed out because I DON'T see myself doing these things that easily. A lot of the opportunities are aimed- practically being shoved at- those who are engineering majors, computer science majors, or science majors. Basically, something hard science-y. Something that everyone says "will get you jobs out of college!" Whereas I haven't really heard of opportunities for people like me, who are fine arts majors or humanities majors, etc. I'm a Japanese/Linguistics double major. There are opportunities for research in Linguistics. I'm very interested in how to teach people language and how people acquire language, though, and the last time I checked, there wasn't much research being done at my university.

I don't need to be recognized for all that I do by the people I help. That's nice acknowledgement, yeah, but isn't it better to feel better for myself? I'm not saying I'm going to forgo acknowledgement completely. I need some "hey you do well!" thing that isn't sent out to a huge group of people. I like things personal and tailored to a small group of individuals. But I should stop hanging on it like a lifeline. I do not need validation by random people to be someone. What my family and friends acknowledge is enough. I had a talk with another friend (not the same from above), and he told me to be confident in what I do. Other people can see what I do and they won't necessarily vocalize it all the time. He said that he believes in me. Keep in mind, we aren't particularly chatty friends. I don't keep up with him all the time. I probably haven't talked to him much since middle school. But he sees that I operate differently- which isn't bad- and he believes in my ability, even if it is in a way vastly different than the way the world seems to operate.

5. Not pretty enough/calorie restriction

I've been convinced since high school that I'm not pretty. I don't have a face people like to look at. This is shallow. I have my own inner beauty and the people who go solely off of looks are not people who are worth my time. I've only recently gotten rid of the complex that I wasn't pretty because "I never used makeup." I really didn't. Only for really special occasions did I use make-up, and that was somewhat grudgingly. I can still sympathize with my friends who get hit on. But I haven't been in their position- yet. And I hope I don't. Before, I hoped it was because I was too ugly to be there. But I only recently change it to "I hope it's because of the way I carry myself. With a sure step and a gaze held level instead of at the ground, with thrown back shoulders and a way of exuding confidence." 

The "not pretty" complex also led to me hating how my body looked. This only started last year, where I began to skip meals and eat less food as well as exercise more in an effort to lose weight so I could be skinny and pretty. then I'd binge on food, feel awful and gross, and go back to restricting calories.  But I learned that by restricting calories, your body kicks into starvation mode- metabolism slows down and it's HARDER for you to lose weight. I still have problems with it. I think a large problem with it was I didn't know how much I was eating. I got MyFitnessPal for the iPhone and now I can see how much I've been eating. I'm not using it for calorie restriction- now that I know how much I need to eat and how much I've eaten and how much I need to go. If I use it in a healthy way, I should be fine. And I shouldn't be disappointed when the number on the scale doesn't change that much. I do swim and run. I'm going to have muscle. So if I lose weight and then gain it back it's probably because of losing fat and gaining muscle. 

So that's my long thing evaluating my self-confidence and how I hope to change things in the future.

My brother's graduating tomorrow

From HIGH SCHOOL.

And then he'll be coming up to college about an hour and a half away from where I am. I get to visit him on occasion. I'm going to be really busy with 18 credit hours, potentially two clubs, potential research, and a job. Two of those classes are online, though, so we'll see how it'll go. If all else fails, I am dropping one of the classes before it impacts my grades. 

Right now I'm making the From Afar scarf by Caitlin ffrench. I like her triangle scarves/shawl designs a lot, and I need something to wear to Ricky's graduation that isn't a  faintly pink cardigan because I accidentally washed a bright red dress with a white cardigan. Oops. After that, I'll be working on the White Russian skirt. I found an extra ball of cotton yarn in the color I was using- totally didn't know I had it! So I get to continue that project. 

In addition to all of that, it's father's day this weekend and I get to chill with my dad! It'll be fun. I'm contemplating getting him a Kindle Fire. He mentioned how he'd take my Kindle if I wanted a new one, but I'm perfectly content with my old 2nd gen Kindle (it's old. Pre-internet browsing for kindles). It'd give him something else to do beside watch TV, he said. So I'm thinking it'd be a good idea for him. I just got to get my brothers and my mom in on it. Otherwise, I'll pay for the whole thing myself. He deserves it.

Two Weeks!

I'm going to be in Japan in two weeks, for two weeks! Lots of two weeks stuff. I'm really excited for it. I'm staying in Tokyo, Takaoka (near Toyama), and Kanazawa. In Tokyo I'll be hanging out with my friends a lot, in Takaoka I'll be conversing with my grandmother (who understands no English so it's a speaking challenge!) and helping out at a middle school, and meeting with friends in Kanazawa and exploring that city more. I'm bringing my good camera so I'm hoping for some quality pictures to share!

In the mean time, I'm working (a lot...), crafting, and looking through various handpainted yarns to make myself feel better. Next week (the week before I go to Japan), I'm working just over 37 hours. I have no break. Seriously, my break is this weekend when I go home. I was supposed to have Saturday off (I leave Sunday), but lo and behold I end up taking someone else's shift because "I need the money." All of Saturday that isn't me working will be me preparing to go to Japan. Alone. Likely exhausted and needing some R&R and not getting it until Japan (kind of) and when I go back home to Vegas after Japan (a whole month without doing anything? HEAVEN).

Vacation time!

Sorry it's been a while since I've written! I went back home for the weekend and spent a lot of time away from my computer. Which ended up being a problem because I promptly forgot the log-ins to a lot of websites. Except this one and a few others. Oops. My memory isn't as good as I thought.

But yeah! I went home this past weekend for my birthday and I'm going home next weekend (not this one) for my brother's graduation. He's graduating high school! And then coming to school an hour and a half away from where I currently go to school. I asked him why, because I was certain he was going to go to an in-state school. His response? "I hate a lot of the people I went to high school with and I want to get away from them."

My exact same reasoning. Both of us knew that people were going to go to the two big in-state schools.

I also get to celebrate my third anniversary with my boyfriend when I go back this time around! It's actually this weekend, but we're in two different states. Oh well. Still, it will be fun when we get to do something together!

Future Project Ideas

So I've been thinking about what I want to do for future projects. I feel like if I can design my own knitwear I don't have to rely so heavily on patterns. Of course, to design, I need to study what came before. If any of these ever come to fruition, it's probably because I studied how I make things before hand. Also, you can probably tell what I've been in geeking over for a while.

Mass Effect Jacket

It'd have an N7 stripe on the appropriate arm and a paragon/renegade symbol on the back. I know something like this already exists on the Bioware website. However, it doesn't have the paragon or renegade symbol on it. What if I wanted to declare what my Shepard is? Or what I am? 

The Winter Soldier Jacket

I watched Captain America: The Winter Soldier last week and I am a fan of it. I'm a huge fan of Bucky Barnes, though. And after I got out of the theater I was talking with a friend about the mechanical arm. That arm is ridiculous to construct for cosplay purposes. I was thinking about making a jacket similar to it, with the left sleeve looking like Bucky's arm.

Captain America Jacket

Okay, I like Captain America too. Not so much, but his ideals are nice. At least as they're portrayed in the movies. I haven't read the comics much. So I was thinking I maybe be able to eventually make a Captain America-inspired jacket, based off of the first movie's costume.

Black Widow Jacket + The Hulk Jacket

I also like Black Widow and the Hulk. Enough said. 

Divergent Factions

I am a huge fan of the Divergent books, and the movie made me want to create pieces for each of them that would look and feel like something that belongs in each faction. This should be an interesting challenge.

Photography Friday

My roommate and I went on a walk last week, while the place we worked as closed, and I brought my camera, so I could start taking pictures again. We walked to my university and back. It's approximately 6 miles total. Along the way, I happened to pass by some lovely orange flowers in someone's front yard. So I asked the roommate to stop and let me take a picture. This is the result:

I'm very glad I have time for photography again. I've missed it, and I can do it now that I have no classes. Just work. Which may be taking up most of my time in the next month. We will see...

Travel Satchel- WIP Wednesday!

I've decided to hold a WIP Wednesday today, focusing specifically on one project: this travel satchel by Stephanie Shiman on knitty.com! Mine comes in light blue and a dark blue heather. This is my first time working on a project that needs to be felted, and I must say, I haven't screwed up (yet!).

Here it is unfelted. All curly because of stockinette stitch.

I realized (about 5 seconds after I wrote the above sentence) I could've used a normal messenger bag for my "travel satchel," but there's nothing quite like being able to make my own- especially since I can decorate this one with a lot of cool thing! Plus, my messenger bag was kind of falling apart. I've used it on and off since about 6th grade. That was nearly 8 years ago. The awesome part is that it was totally customizable- no one else will have a bag like this one! 

Seriously though, who else is going to be crazy enough to make a striped handle??

Someone with not enough of the primary yarn color, that's who.

I made this travel satchel because I'm going to Japan in June and wanted a travel bag that could hold my camera (which doesn't have its own bag), a notebook, some pens, my passport, my wallet, and some other odds and ends that I would likely need while traveling in a foreign country. Plus, it'd be a good conversation starter. Likely. If no one looks at me and thinks, "She's a foreigner so she must not speak Japanese." I look kind of Asian. Being a half-Asian: you get questions all over the spectrum. 

It's not quite finished yet. Obviously, because it's being featured on WIP Wednesday. I still have to cut off the extra little tails and sew everything together. I'm contemplating adding a fabric of some sort to the inside and to the inside of the handle, to reinforce it so it doesn't accidentally break. Not saying it will, but I like to be on the safe side. It'd suck if all my stuff exploded out while I'm in Japan. 

Until next time!

Back (for good?)

I have had a rough semester. It's the reason I ended up dropping the blog, ended up withdrawing from a lot of my social activities, and a lot of my hobbies so I could focus on school and my two jobs. It's summer now, which means FREE TIME! I may go back to Musings Monday, WIP Wednesday, and Finished/Photography Fridays if possible.

Musings Monday is most likely going to end up turning into "let's document my attempts to pick up new hobbies!"  Currently I'm trying to learn how to code HTML, CSS, and Javascript. Who knows, I may get good enough to redesign my blogger (so if it goes wonky one day, you'll know why). And maybe get hired by a company! Total sarcasm. I don't think I'll be able to get that good enough.

I'm also trying to start up my own store so I can make some extra money, and I'm also co-blogger of a travel tumblr blog. My friend and I are doing it for funsies, mostly. we shall see! Summer should be good to me, especially since I am going home frequently, working, and traveling abroad.

No WIP Wednesday today- Sorry!

I've been having a long and particularly busy day today, so unfortunately WIP Wednesday will not be happening today. Bummer, right? :(

Nothing much to talk about today

I've been kinda out of it the past couple of days. And I found out something about myself.

I'm a really good liar.

Photography Fridays

So on Wednesday I saw that the mountains looked really nice, and so did the sky during sunset. Why is that? The gross inversion that envelops the city every year. Let's admit it. It looks pretty but it's a killer. Since I couldn't leave campus after 5PM due to work, I snagged my camera and took pictures of the mountain ranges to the west and to the south. I'm glad I did. I found out that I wasn't the only one wanting to take pictures- a few other people were doing it, too!

Please do not repost this image. Copyright belongs to me.

WIP Wednesday #1- Blankets and Hats, oh my!

Welcome to the first WIP Wednesday! I feel like a lot of them are going to feature the same things over and over, just in various stages of completion. But without further ado, here are my WIPs of the week!

1. Florida Gator blanket

So my dad graduated from University of Florida. He loves them even though their football team sucked this year. Last year, I got the idea to make him a blanket with Alfred on it. I made my mom a Donald Duck blanket, so he deserved a blanket with something he loved. Good idea, right?

WRONG.

I started this last... May? June? Ravelry tells me May 1st. It's not even half-way finished. I don't have the TIME. Luckily, I'll have time this summer. I'm excited for that. 

2. Hexagon Flower Blanket

This was inspired by a blanket I had as a kid. The construction is way different, though. However, it's a fun and mindless project. It's going to need some serious blocking when it's done, though, as seen in the flower above.

3. N7 Beanie

Aaahhhh... my favorite project. Because it's Mass Effect inspired. I love Mass Effect. The third game screwed me up badly but it was so much fun. I made two beanies inspired by the series already, so this is the third in that trilogy of hats! I'm currently working on the stripe. I'm thinking the red's going to end after this row because it's becoming a lot bigger than I intended it to be. Let's see how it turns out! I'm looking forward to seeing how this goes.

National Cuisine

I'm taking a Japanese civilizations class that's all about food. Today we were discussing kaiseki, which had like a ton of rules and etiquette bound to it. Kaiseki is basically often a "main dish" surrounded by smaller dishes and are on trays so it's eaten off the ground. This was the beginnings of what we now consider Japanese national cuisine. It's fascinating how it began!

Now why did I find this fascinating? In my approximately six years of studying Japanese culture and history formally, it never occurred to me that Japan as a nation was relatively young. Sure, it's existed as a country, but a national identity did not exist for a long time. Japan remained splintered until Oda Nobunaga started to unify the provinces. This was then followed by Toyotomi Hideyoshi, and finally Tokugawa Ieyasu. It wasn't until the Tokugawa were ruling that Japanese cuisine became more standard.

White rice? Surprisingly not that widely consumed until the late Tokugawa era because it was expensive and only the rich could afford it. It was a method of measuring wealth and power.

So what we consider "Japanese cuisine" now is actually a relatively young concept (really only started in the 1960s, after the world wars) and was previously only available to a select few. Commoners had to make do. It had a lot of rules, some of which still exist today!

It's amazing how things suddenly fall into context. It gives me this happy feeling.

Regularly Scheduled Programming? What??

So I've been doing quite a bit of thinking (a dangerous past time I know) and decided that starting next week, I'll be having three days that'll occasionally get to be a series! Mondays will be called "Musings Monday," Wednesdays will be "WIP Wednesday" (for all my knitting/crocheting stuff), and Fridays will be either "Photography Friday" or "Finished Friday" (for my photography or finished projects, if any). I'll try to keep it as regular as possible, but with my busy schedule, sometimes it won't happen.

When is it Okay to Tell Someone to Stop Being Too Much of Something?

It's been a bad week for me. On Wednesday, after having a long day, I found out a good friend got fired from his job. He was, truthfully, one of the few people whose company I genuinely enjoyed at this job, with its long nights and hardships. He said that essentially it summed up to him being "too trusting" of people. Like that's a bad thing? So after this, trying to console our good friend about this friend being fired, and a sexist remark from another mutual friend that left me fuming, I went to bed early instead of trying to study.

Then Thursday, my supervisor made a remark about the events of Wednesday night about how she would've just gone back to her room instead of trying to help this friend through the news. My jaw almost dropped. I had to serve two roles Wednesday night almost simultaneously. Not only is that going against what my job description is, that is rude and disrespectful as a friend. So I ended up being mad at my supervisor. I'm still mad at her. I went back to my room so I could focus on studying for a test on Tuesday when I came across two of my co-workers in the hall. They asked me to swipe them into the key room so that one of them could get back into her room because she forgot her keys. So I did, and asked the one who didn't forget her keys, "Why didn't you just go back to your room? It's right down the hall."

"Oh, you happened to be coming down the hall so I decided to ask you!" she replied. I sighed and rolled my eyes. The next thing she said touched a nerve, especially in light of the previous night's events.

"You're too reliable. You should stop so people don't keep asking you for things."

I didn't really reply back. Gave a noncommittal response that may have been a small laugh before going upstairs to where I live. It really bothered me, that remark. I like to think one of my good points is being reliable. It's something I'm both proud and angry of being, but I'm more proud than anything. So that remark felt like a personal attack. It came too close to my friend being "too trusting."

Since when is being "too much" of something a bad thing?

The Family's Christmas Presents

A couple of months before Christmas, I sent a text to my family asking them, "What do you want for Christmas? Make it easy on my college kid wallet."

The youngest, Johnny, didn't want anything handmade. He asked for NHL 09 or NFL 12. He got NHL 09. Oh, my brother. I swear he's become an All-American teen.

But the rest of my family wanted handmade things, and that was definitely my realm.

The middle brother, Ricky, is a total game nerd. He loves video games, but his current passion is card games. He asked me initially to make a bag to hold an entire deck, but after trying to explain to me how big it was, he eventually gave me dimension and said, "Go crazy." I asked for any specifics, and he said it had to be blue and black, and a water drop should be on there somewhere. Here's the result:

I crocheted it back and forth and then surface stitched over the blue stitches so the water drop motif would look cleaner. The cord is a foundation chain with one row of slip stitching. 

My dad wanted a lap blanket to go with the huge blanket I made him last Christmas. The color scheme was totally different, though. While the huge blanket was brown, gray, and white (neutral colors), the lap blanket was green and brown. I decided a granny blanket would be nice and easy to make. I asked for dimensions, and he gave me 5'x3'- which ended up not being the finishing dimensions. It is still an acceptable size, though!

I didn't block it, so it doesn't lay flat. However, my dad doesn't care. Woo! I did a reverse single crochet edging. I really love the ropy look reverse single crochet gives!

My mother was simple. She's really easy to make things for because we're both craft-oriented, and whenever she sees something she likes, she asks me to make it, and whenever I see something I like, she makes it for me. I picked up a wristwarmer knitting book from a Japanese bookstore a while back, and my mom wanted me to make her sleeveless gloves in order to keep her hands warm. She pointed out the pattern, gave me colors, and off I went! She loved them and wore them all break. I wish I had gotten a picture of her wearing them. They fit her.

My hands are rather large...

There you have it! My crafty 2013 Christmas. I may not do it this year and get one large present my family can share instead. This year, I'm doing selfish knitting. I have a ton of WIPs to work on that are very interesting for me. Keep an eye out for those!