Feelings- might get personal

I've been yo-yo-ing between being really busy with classes and being bored with classes. I guess that's the benefit of taking online classes- you can catch up with all the work and then having nothing to do until the next module opens, and then when you catch up on all your physical class work as a result, it leaves you with nothing. For me, that's a double-edged sword. I actually am one of the rare people who like to be kept busy- whether it's with cooking, or homework, or something, I like having something to do. If it's people related it needs to be done less frequently, but it's still doing something. Boredom makes me think several things, including

1. I'm missing something in my homework/life
2. I finished all my homework fast which means it was either too easy or I screwed up somewhere
3. It makes me extremely restless which makes me more susceptible to darker thoughts
4. Darker thoughts.

Among other things. It's number 3 and 4 that get me. Because I've had low self-esteem issues for my whole life, I've taken to heart slightly toxic things as a child, and started having more mental problems in college. Although I've been working to get over it, and I've had some friends who've supported me, I still fall prey to thoughts of worthlessness and loneliness and sadness. 

And today, there was an event that made me feel absolutely unwanted. A burden. The feeling is unjustified, I'm sure, but when I've had these problems for so long, it's almost too easy to fall into the same rut again. I realized that some people may actually view me as a burden, holding back their lives, despite previous promises from their mouths that they'd help me in certain aspects. That I'm unwanted because of this. That I have no friends (this is absolutely false but in this certain environment it feels like it) who'd be there for me if I needed it. That no one needs me. And as someone who feels like all she's good for as a friend is to be there and listen and be needed, the feeling of not being needed sucks. 

So I'm sitting here rambling trying to sort my feelings out and hoping that writing keeps the demons away for a bit longer.