Introspection

So today was a frisbee today. Every Friday! And I actually got beat today. First time I took that many hits in one game. I ended up getting hit in the head with the frisbee (because my own teammate kicked it and it hit me) and I ran into someone while trying to block. That guy was dense. Hitting him was like hitting a stone wall. I've been limping around because my left leg hurts and I know I'm going to get a bruise later. I've run into/been tackled by two guys before, but this was something else. However, it was fun. I pushed myself past what I thought possible (running on my hurt leg) every once in a while. Today is the day I've been doing what I didn't think I could do.

I went grocery shopping with Jonathan because I needed to pick up more granola bars and Gatorade for when I decided to pull a swimming-then-frisbee day. And I actually got to articulate my thoughts.

I found that how I interact with specific people will depend on the situation I first meet them. If I talk to people and the situation is uncomfortable, I'm less likely to try talking to them again. But if it's a good environment and it's easy for me to talk to them, I'm more likely to talk to them and consider them a friend. I told Jonathan that I have horrible social skills- something he never would've suspected because I'm talkative. The thing is, I'm shy with people I don't know. Once I get to know a person, I become loud and friendly. I told him I'm almost positive the frisbee guys are helping me be more outgoing. There were a few people I likely would've never bothered to talk to if it hadn't been for frisbee because they weren't the people I would've talked to normally.

Here's a funny story: Apparently, usually when a girl's invited, she comes, sees there are no other girls, then don't show up again. He expected the same from me. Show up, never show up again. It was a surprise to him I kept coming back. (Honestly, I've hung out with guys a lot. I like hanging out with guys.) And according to Jonathan, it's not me that looks scary. I've get this aura about me that is scary. Which rocks in a variety of situations.

For the longest time, I've held the belief I'm an unlikeable person. Whenever I express surprise that someone likes me, it's genuine surprise. But I'm starting to feel more and more accepted. First with my dorm friends, now with the frisbee guys. Here's a situation: A week or two ago, Jonathan had said we were going to split up into teams without flipping (flipping is the usual method of picking teams). The team of four got me, then there was a team of five. One of the guys, Forrest, said, "Pft, no, I want to be on Jess' team." Which made me think, "Wait, why? I can't do anything!" But in retrospect, I liked that, because it made me feel like I was likeable even though I sucked. I don't really suck at frisbee. I'm a decent defender. But when you've had low self-esteem for a long time, it's hard to think, "Hey, people like me!"

When I mentioned all this to Jonathan, he was surprised. He didn't know that the frisbee club could have that kind of impact on someone. It has on me. As I mentioned in this post, I hate missing frisbee. Not only does it help me release a lot of accumulated nervous energy and a lot of accumulated anxiety, but it and the people help me a lot.

I'm really grateful I'm going to university where I am. I've met a ton of people who are helping me get over my fears and anxieties, even if they don't know it. I'm extremely grateful to everyone I've met. I may not have the widest social circle, but the social circles I do go among are the best ones I could ask for. A big thank you to them for doing so much, even if you aren't aware of it. All of my dorms friends, lifeguarding coworkers, and frisbee buddies. They're all awesome.